Life lessons...

This morning I was actually going to write a blog entitled "life lessons" because a good friend had posted that her and her husband had a couple that they thought were friends who stole from them.  I was told several years back to pay attention to who someone is for at least 6 months before you make up your mind.  Not because any of us are dishonest.  In my humble opinion based on years of experience, most people are basically decent.  But, those that aren't honest, it's pretty much a good piece of advice.  Those that are worthless pieces of crap will slip up in 6 months.  You just still have to be watching for it.  Those "types" of people who are dishonest, less than honorable, that will be ugly or take advantage or try to mistreat you or use you, well, they usually can fool you into trusting them after a couple of months.  What you find out is they are telling you constantly what they don't like about others, well, manipulation is the quickest way to identify them.  They just can't help themselves, but they won't start that until they think you "trust" them.  They usually use their inputs and your responses to "know" whether they can start pushing the envelope with you.  I'm not even sure that they know they are doing it.  Do they?  I cut these types out pretty quick, but the ones I've missed are all the same.  When they get caught, it was your fault. 

So, one of my sons tells me in passing when we are talking about something else that my exes' wives are spying on me regularly.  They "met" on FB while stalking me and mine.  I'm like kind of set off.  You're kidding, right?  Nope.  The one who literally was screwing my husband while I was pregnant 22 years ago still stalks me.  I asked how he would know this.  She said so.  Right in front of him.  She is so crazy she talks crap about my ex's sisters, me, pretty much anyone.  But I get his sisters.  They live near by them.  Me?  Why me?  He told me that it really didn't matter.  She's had 7 abortions and other crap and she's just jealous.  Wow.  Jealous after 22 years?  Let that settle in.  I consider her a blip.  Seriously.  My ex cheated on his pregnant wife (me) who he supposedly loved with all his heart.  I just wasn't raised that way.  She, whether she meant to or not, set me free.  I gave my ex a couple of chances to fix it, and a lot of people thought he had lost his mind.  But it was what it was and I walked away.  For over 10 years, every year for my birthday, I was served court paperwork.  Seriously.  You just can't make this stuff up.  After 10 years, the judge took notice and he told my ex he never wanted to see him again.  He told him I was entitled to a lot more in child support, even encouraged me to file.  I told the judge if I could just have peace and quiet it would be worth money I never saw.  So the money that was ordered when our youngest son was just a couple months old in 1996 was the same money he paid for the duration of 17.5 years.  I wanted quiet and that day I finally got it for the most part. 

In fact, those that know me well, and as of a couple years ago, my ex also knows, that I have never done an ugly or manipulative thing in my life.  I just wanted peace.  They were so much drama all the time that I didn't want a relationship.  Seriously.  I got asked why I was single all the time.  That was really it.  I wanted to come home and relax, and I was raising 3 boys that needed me.  I put them first and tried to keep the drama to a minimum.  A couple years ago, he was yelling at me about being a manipulative bitch.  So I told him just once.  I had manipulated him once and it was the meanest thing I had ever done in my life.  I told him he would remember  as soon as I told him.  I had laid it on thick when he and this woman had broke up.  I knew they had finally broken up, but he was yelling and carrying on.  So I told him, "oh yes, I wish I had found my soulmate like (he) did."  I laid it on so thick the icing on the cake was thick enough to be a double layer cake all on its own.  I punchlined telling him this with the fact he married her a few months later.  He hung up on me.  We have had no contact since.  It has been so quiet and peaceful....

Until my son told me that his wife is still stalking me after all this time.  I mean it doesn't really affect me.  How pathetic and sad is this poor woman to still be stalking me after all these years?  Admittedly, at first, I was a little pissed.  Then I thought about that last conversation I had with my ex.  I laughed after he hung up on me.  In fact, I've laughed every time I've told the story about him marrying this woman after that "mean girl" thing I did.  Today, knowing that this poor guy is really stuck with someone that's crazy obsessive like a high school girl on crack, well, I actually didn't laugh when I thought about the story.  As I started to write the blog, I realized I felt sympathy.  For him, in the sense that he really didn't want a crazy marriage, but he made it come true.  We were young, but neither of us were crazy.  But here's the kicker; I even feel sorry for her.  Again, she did it to herself, but no one obsesses over another woman like she has obsessed over me for years unless two things are true.  One, she's nuttier than a PayDay candy bar, and two, in her mind, my ex still must love the heck out of me.  I can't imagine being with someone that didn't love me.  I'd rather be alone.  But I suppose that doesn't actually matter to a crazy person.  

To my friends that know me well, they know this epiphany is huge.  I have always been amused by what I did.  I mean, even when I have admitted it was an ugly thing to do.  But it's the only mean thing I ever did to my ex.  That's it.  I don't feel bad though.  He was and is a grown adult.  He could've stepped back and figured out what was what.  He chose to be in this crazy, drama zone that just never seemed to stop.  I chose to get myself out of it, even if it meant he paid $906 a month instead of $1600-1700 a month.  That's how desperate I was to keep the craziness out of my life.  That was what the judge told us and our lawyers that last court date...The next 8 years were silent until he actually quit paying his child support while our kid was a senior in high school.  Whole senior year.  Priceless.  All I had to do was file, but I seriously realized that it was going to be a fight and I just didn't want to bother.  I'm still amazed at how callous he was about taking care of our sons, but then consider this crazy woman is still stalking me when our boys are full grown men.  I guess he really loved me at some point.  I never really doubted it.  Now, I don't know who to feel more sorry for.  Her, for marrying a man who didn't love her.  Or him, marrying someone he didn't love just to prove he hadn't made a mistake.  

Thing is that now that I wrote all this, we come to the real question, right?  What did I feel?  What do I feel?  No different than I did yesterday except....  I am not laughing at "tricking" him into marrying her anymore.  I feel bad for him.  Everyone else could see what he was getting into but him.  I did it in hopes that the harassment would stop.  It took several more years before it would in that courtroom.  Sure, she is still stalking me via social media, but apparently my ex has given up participating.  There were plenty of different ways this could've played itself out.  I guess I was due feeling a little bad about icing that cake so much.  But, truth is after writing all this, I feel good.  I do.  I am not in a miserable marriage.  I'm not a manipulative, scheming, obsessed woman.  I'm not married to a manipulative, scheming, obsessed or other version of crazy person.  That 6 month rule might have saved him.  All the life lessons I needed to learn about marriage as an adult, I learned from watching my ex.  Poor guy.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone...anymore...and for that I'm actually grateful that he was ever part of my life.  

Go entertain yourself...

Some of you will remember this blog started as a dating blog.  It's not that anymore.  It's random thoughts of my own on either current subjects or about myself that sometimes has good advice in it.  Sometimes it's hilarious; sometimes it's somber.  Well, this should be a golden nugget for my readers.  It's about a date, about me, and there's probably some underlying advice, while hopefully making you laugh your ass off.  So I had a date last night.

My date started with him asking if I knew where the place we were meeting was at.   It's a restaurant and bar in the town I live in.  That seemed pretty silly.  Even if I didn't, there's this really cool thing called Google Maps where I can find out and get directions.  So I get there.  He looks like his pictures for the most part.  He's a little shorter and a lot scrawnier.  Okay, admittedly I like buff.  But he's supposedly an engineer too, so yea, if you've ever watched Big Bang Theory, the male version of engineer isn't always buff--usually not.  So eventually we come to the point in the conversation where we discuss who we are.  I'm a quality engineer, mechanical, who started in processing and stamping lead and now I'm working with steel stamping.  All pretty mundane at this point.  What kind of engineer is he?  He asks me if I have heard of AutoCAD.  Uh.  What the hell?  I am a degreed mechanical engineer.  The sarcastic side of me came close to mustering the valley girl in me "oh yes, and Catia and Pro-E toooooo".  No, I didn't.  He's a structural engineer.  Really?  So was my Dad.  That's the end of that conversation from his point.  So where was he working now.  Oh he's not, but he gives me some song and dance about checking other people's work from home.  So, at best he's an unemployed, associates degree in CAD.  Again, dude was being so vague, the red flags were flying everywhere.  Even for friends that were sitting on the other side of the bar from us.  One asked if I needed help when he went to the bathroom or to have a cigarette.  I probably would...

He comes back and we're done talking about work.  Now, on to the kids.  Here he does have some specifics.  He has a daughter who just took the bar in Georgia, and unlike his vagueness about himself, he knows where she went to college, where she works and that she gets her bar results in October, if he remembers correctly.  At this point, I tell him about my boys.  Of course, I'm a doting mom.  I brag about the 3 of them.  My youngest at Michigan.  My middle coming home to go to Clemson after working the pipelines for a stint.  (Oh he did that too--again, when asked he was vague.  Wouldn't say where or when.)  Next, my oldest, who's living with me.  I would've bragged on the dog next.  He's one of my boys too, but this guy goes into a whole lecture telling me that my boys wouldn't want to live with me.  And that normal boys wouldn't want me in their business.  And, how they don't need their mother.  And, and, and.  Now this was the most talking he had done.  Hard to do any talking when you're being so damn vague.  Thing is I haven't really told him much about me.  I haven't told him much about my boys.  Just the typical mom bragging stuff.  He knows more about my relationship with my boys than I do.  According to him, I'm not friends with my boys and he makes me sound like some clingy Southern mother who follows my boys around asking about their sex lives.  Uh.....seriously, you just can't make this shit up....

Okay, his next choice of subject is motorcycles.  Did I ride mine?  I'm in sandals birdbrain.  What do you think?  No, I didn't say that either.  I told him no that I had run some errands and hadn't had the time to get changed to ride.  What kind of bike?  '09 Fatboy.  He has the same bike he bought new in 1998.  Softail custom.  Okay, I saw this bike when I came in.  There were only 3 bikes outside.  It was a wide glide, but who am I to tell him the difference?  No, didn't say a word.  Besides, I don't know.  He might have changed out the forks.  We talk about bikes.  He doesn't like the new Harleys.  Apparently not, I thought.  Then we talk about choppers briefly.  Okay, things seem to be on an uptick.  Talk about Bourgets.  He doesn't like them...He doesn't really seem to like much.  Whip out my brother in law's 1973 Bowling Ball...aka. AMF Harley Davidson Shovelhead Heritage.  This bike impresses everyone.  Not this guy.  Nope, not one bit.  WTF???  A Harley dude who isn't impressed by a shovel??  Where the hell did this bozo crawl out of?

Oh no, this date isn't over yet.  Sure, this girl should've cut it short at that point, but it's only been 45 minutes.  He changes the subject from the shovel to tires.  Oh yes boys and girls, let's talk tires.  Ah, yes, so that he could introduce that he has a 2016 Mustang.  This girl is a HEMI girl, but I suppose a Mustang is impressive too.  GT?  No, Shelby.  Uh, dude, a Shelby is a GT...nevermind.  So far, he's pretty much bullshit and when he said shelby he said it under his breath that I had to ask twice to even understand what the hell he was saying.  It came with Pirellis.  P-Zeros?  I asked...He didn't know.  What kind of engineer doesn't even know what tires are on his sports car?

So, I go on about having the Pirellis on my car, because I have Pirellis on my bike.  I explained the different tires that I've ridden on my bike--the HD Dunlops, Avons and the Night Dragons by Pirelli.  Even rode a friend's bike that had the Metzler.  I go into the different grip of the 4 brands on the Fatboy...Okay, admittedly I'm a true geeky engineer.  But this dude is about as gearhead engineer as I am a brain surgeon.  He tells me he's always run the Dunlops.  Nothing else.  In fact, I have no idea what I'm talking about because rubber compound has nothing to do with tire grip.  It's only about the tread.  Bwahahahaha.....Nope, if you know anything about tires, then you know this moron knows nothing.  Oh, yes, and I still said nothing.

Finally, he begins the next question asking if I'm Italian.   No, why?  Because I get way too "fired up", and apparently this is a common issue with Italian women.  At first, I try to explain that I get nervous and I'm a pretty passionate person.  SMH at myself.  This bozo isn't worth me trying to explain.  Next, he starts patting my shoulder like I'm a dog and telling me to calm down.  This is like baptizing a cat asshole.  I'm ready to knock him off the bar stool.  He's explaining how women like me don't need to get so upset.  In my mind I'm thinking, let me get this straight, he has lied about everything about himself, completely misrepresented himself, and I've tried to be entertaining anyway????  He was even patting my leg.  I think he thought this was going really well.  I turned on him and told him who I actually am.  I don't really care.  I get "fired up" because I enjoy conversations.  I haven't even gotten fired up as far as what he's talking about.  And, y'all be proud, this was the cold, drop down the voice because I'm ready to deck him, me, not the giddy "ooo fun intellectual" fired up conversation me.  This bozo still thought I was walking out with him....

Let me tell every one of you, I don't care who you are.  The one thing I hate is someone who obviously hasn't got a clue who I am telling me who I am.  Shut up.  Oh, and I don't have to get fired up.  I'm a woman!!   Of course I do, just like almost every single one of us can.  And he's lucky I didn't cuss him out and was still a lady in spite of him patting me like a damn dog.  Do I look like a damn labrador retriever to you????  Hell, I don't like people that don't know me that well touching me, let alone this clown who was obviously misrepresenting who he is.  Liars are always vague that way they don't commit to something that you can verify and figure out that they are liars.  Honest people give you details without even noticing they are doing it.  He did give me some details.  He lived in Atlanta for over 20 years--makes that pipeline thing unlikely, except that is one of the few things that I think he was actually being honest about.  He didn't tell me where he graduated from.  Hell, everyone I know that has a bachelors brags about where--even when it isn't really a school anyone knows.  It's a proud moment for those of us that have worked hard to earn our degrees, even if it's in basket weaving.  We are still proud.  We made friends, and the memories are forever.

I had a good night the rest of the night.  I went and sat with the friends at the end of the bar.  It was fun, and I got to laugh about how full of bullshit this guy was.  Oh yes, we were definitely laughing at him, not with him.  Lesson?  Same I've said for years.  Don't bottle up who you are to make other people happy.  I bottled up that I knew that he was a lying moron.  Perhaps, that was what he perceived as "fired up".  But really, I think I was just nervous initially, and when he realized I was smarter, way smarter than he is, he opted to insult me.  I am who I am, and if you don't like it, you don't have to.  I'm not here for your entertainment.  Go entertain yourself.

"We failed, but in the good Providence of God apparent failure often proves blessing."

Admittedly, I'm pretty upset about Nazis in Virginia.  I'm pretty upset they are anywhere in this country.  There's something nefarious and scary in general to anyone that knows the history of the Nazis in Germany.  I'm upset that they chose General Lee's monument for their toxic rhetoric.  I mean I think it's ridiculous to take down the monuments in most cases.  But I have the utmost respect for General Lee.  I have read many of his writings and the Civil War is one of those things that weighed heavy on his heart both before, during and after.  General Lee was a great tactician, a graduate of our West Point Academy, and a true Patriot.  His times put him in an intangible position, and it appears now we ourselves are being lead to a similar intangible position.   

Fact is that General Lee was opposed to Confederate monuments after war.  He viewed it as sore losers.  He also in spite of leading the Confederate army did so with great trepidation.  Most may not realize, as so much is lost in history anymore, that General Lee was President Lincoln's first choice to lead the Union army.  General Lee was very conflicted whether to be loyal to his Nation or his state of Virginia.  While we all now think of ourselves as American first and to our state second, the USA was only 80 years old--just over a single life span in human years.  Many were divided between loyal to their state or loyal to our Nation.  The reason it was a Union army is because the Nation that we all love was only a Union to some.  Their State was their Nation.  This nuance was not lost on General Lee.  In fact, it wasn't lost on his brethren in the State of Virginia either.  His home State would subdivide because of the Civil War into two states:  Virginia and West Virginia.  The depth of divide was that deep.  Still, General Lee ultimately showed his loyalty to Virginia, whether State or state.  The General was a sign of his times.  He also upon surrendering ordered all Confederate flags, battle or otherwise, permanently furled.  As the signer of the surrender and the General of the Confederate army, his orders should have stood.  He was known to be vocal in his opposition to Confederate monuments.  No one challenged him, because he was the Great General Lee.  So, I suppose when I say the monument in Virginia of the General should remain, I am just as much disobeying his orders as anyone.  

But it's not because the General was some leader of a rebel cause to defend slavery.  He, himself, stated he was "rejoiced that slavery was abolished".  Slavery in his mind  was an abomination and against his Christian beliefs.  Ironic?  Of course, but none of us are without our irony.  He like many of his time simply thought this would go away in a peaceful way.  He believed the majority would admit "slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil".  So, how did he choose the Confederacy?  He said "if the Union is dissolved" he would return to Virginia and "share the miseries of his people".  In fact, he had implored for the Union to be maintained and was considered one of the least likely officers to secede.  It was known that the Virginia legislature was having a hard time agreeing on whether they would secede.  The attack on Fort Sumter lead by General Beauregard with the secession of South Carolina forced every other Southern State to make a decision, including Virginia and our beloved General Lee. 

Does General Lee's statue belong anywhere if you know all this?  Well, maybe, maybe not.  By General Lee's measure?  No.  The greatness of a man is not defined by just his good deeds, but by the sum of who he is.  We all become better with age.  So, I would argue that his statue, if we were to agree on only one symbol of the Confederacy, belongs in every state.  We need to remember how conflicted and how much the General truly believed in the United States right up to secession.  We need to remember this was not a racist man--in fact in his times he was considered quite the opposite.  We want to measure people of the 1800s at our morality now.  It's not fair.  But take the sum of the General, and he was a great American.  What too many in this country either have forgotten or never learned was officers all over this country were put in a terrible position of choosing between two loyalties--often to their country or to their families.  The Civil War did one thing we needed--it defined us as a Nation as ALL Americans.  General Lee said he couldn't abide by a Nation that could only be maintained by swords.  Now, consider that we just let Nazis turn his memorial into just that.  

Nazis have never maintained control over anything without intimidation, control, weapons in plain sight, full riot gear.  Bullies to umpteenth level.  What would the General think?   What would he have thought of our efforts in World War II?  Would he have thought those men that fought the Nazis with such bravery and resolve would deserve to have their memories desecrated with Nazis rabble rousing in their faces?  In their descendants' faces?  How would he feel about Nazis from another state in his great state using his image in their racist rhetoric?  General Lee was a deeply God fearing man.  General Lee did not believe in raising a weapon against his brother.  We all should understand not wanting to forget those that died, on both sides.  It's who we are.  It made us truly the UNITED States of America.  Whether General  Lee would want his statue there, well, that's a small issue.  I doubt he would.  But the idea that the Nazis want to invoke his memory for their agenda?  The General's own words on the Civil War:  "We failed, but in the good Providence of God apparent failure often proves blessing."  Saving the Union in this Nation was a blessing, even according to the man who led the fight against it.  Do not allow the Nazis to use this man's memory or a statue of him as a catalyst to drive us into fighting each other again.  

 

Saluting a swastika....

There is one thing that has to be said right off the bat.  Most of us are just trying to live everyday, average middle American lives.  Regardless of whether we make up the top or bottom or anywhere in between, most of us are working full time jobs.  Most of us are worried about the economy, because regardless of politics, we all know that the economy is not what it was 10 years ago.  The majority of us know that the planet needs us to think about what we are doing to it--regardless of politics.  We all want the divide to end--yes, even those that you see in your friends feeds on social media that share something that you disagree with.  The best of intentions and all that.  That being stated.  This country has become polarized.  Period.  And why?  Well, it's kind of super simple.  Some, even though they fit the above statements, are still sharing stuff that isn't really their view.  It's a small bit of what they think and bam!  They don't share their own thoughts.  They share Bozo the Clown's.  One liners, no matter what anyone would like to believe, are not fixing the issues in this country.  And some idiot ranting justifying what happened in Charlotteville--don't care their point of view--isn't helping.  The facts are simple.  A bunch of racists who were singing praises of racism and saluting the Nazi flag wanted to have a "peaceful" demonstration. 

So let's talk about the "peaceful" demonstration.  A bunch of white racists who readily identified themselves with racist organizations stood around chanting and saluting the Nazi flag.  My Grams' brother lost his entire unit in Europe when the Nazis hit their unit with a mortar.  He survived because he was sitting right next to where it impacted and was thrown straight up into the air.  He was completely deaf in the one ear and mostly in the other.  He landed back in the center of his buddies' body parts.  He was a good man who lived a quiet life after, but this wonderful man who might have been a wonderful father and husband could never recover from his PTSD to have that wonderful life and family.  I see some dumbass throwing their right arm up to that f***ing red, white and black, swastika bearing piece of shit so-called flag and I am not just nauseated.  I am angry.  I am frustrated for all the Americans that paid with their lives--whether they died or not--are being disrespected.  I'm confused and mortified that so many of you that I served with are not equally angered by this.  So "peaceful" my ass.  You start saluting a Nazi flag in the greatest country in the world that ended the reign of terror?  You are disrespecting every American that served to end WWII.  

But let's keep talking about how "peaceful" this demonstration was.  It ended with some racist dumbass driving his car into a crowd of people who were exercising their equal rights to Freedom of Speech by protesting their "peaceful" swastika worshiping demonstration with chants of their own.  So what started as a "peaceful" disrespect for thousands of WWII American veterans ended in a terrorist act with a racist, swastika worshiping moron trying to kill others.  That's it in a nutshell.  

Yes, I'm sure some of you are buying the racist divide bullshit that some of these dressed up in polo shirts or nice suits with their big white smiles and nice calm cold tones are selling, because I've seen enough of it in the last couple of days to make me want to puke.  Even worse, many of you are veterans.  Let someone disrespect one of our own like that and you normally would go ballistic against the jerk disrespecting one of us.  Yet, these right arm saluting, swastika waving morons get a pass?  Even your respect?  WTF.  A statement, not a question.  Even coming to their defense with statements like "well what about Louis Farrakhan?"  Well, what about him?  He's a piece of shit.  So obviously if you're whipping him out, you know this white guy you just defended is a piece of shit too.  The only way to defend a piece of shit is by justifying his behavior with the equally detestable.  As Grams used to say "two wrongs won't make a right".  

Are there still inequities in this country?  Yes, there are.  It's just a fact.  Things take time to equal out.  Wounds take time to heal.  Am I saying that "white" men aren't being blamed?  Well, I'm not a white male, obviously, but I do sometimes feel like they are getting the short end of the stick.  But why?  Well, defending dumbasses saluting swastikas and committing crimes?  Seriously?  Look at this way.  White uneducated trash makes up the majority of this country still--not poor uneducated minorities.  Yet, poor, uneducated minorities, particularly black men, make up the majority of the prison population.  Statistically, this is an impossibility.  It's impossible mathematically.  So what accounts for it?  That bias that many are exhibiting.  Let a black man drive his car into a crowd to intentionally harm as many people as possible.  If the crowd is a bunch of other blacks?  He's going to prison for a long time.  Now if it's a crowd of whites?  He'll probably never get out.  He might even get the needle treatment.  Good, right?  Do any of you realize how many actually justified this white moron driving into other whites by making statements like "well, this wasn't a race crime, because he drove into white people".  No, it was an act of terrorism.  They disagreed with him and he wanted to make sure that they were terrified into never disagreeing with him again...much like the Nazis of WWII that my great Uncle's buddies died fighting.  He should get the maximum sentence just like if he was a black man, not an average American white male defending his heinous behavior.  Equal time for equal slime, and nothing wasn't slimy about this "peaceful" protest.  

Unfortunately, I really am ashamed of many of my friends.  During the Obama administration, I was ashamed of the "white" friends that I had that were somehow helping stoke the divide by "blaming" the rest of us for not acknowledging the issues.  It's not that we don't know what happened in the past was wrong.  We do.  Now, I'm actually mortified at the "white" friends I have for defending this racist shit.  I know that many of you got sick of hearing blame during the 8 years of the Obama administration.   I did too.  I lost several "liberal" friends because I was sick of it.  But saluting swastikas and trying to kill people that were pissed because they were saluting swastikas?  Really?  WTF is wrong with some of you.  Again, not a question.   A statement of respect  for those Americans that served this country in WWII to end Nazism.  

Intervention...

Last summer, three of my friends--including my sister, decided it was time (individually, although I wonder if it wasn't over several concerted discussions they had leading up to telling me) to tell me it was time I quit dating morons.  I already wrote the blog about this, but after reading one of my friends FB posts this morning, it occurred to me there's probably a bunch of us that could stand for our friends to intervene.  The difference between an "intervention" and a busy body though has to be considered.  The 3 people who basically told me to stop dating idiots did so with the best of intentions and obviously thought it out before doing so.  Truth is none of us have "drama free" lives, so each of us can have moments needing "intervention".

First, I used to look at some people and think "oh wow, how perfect a life.  How lucky they are."  But truth is no one has the "perfect" life.  I mean my sister will tell me I have a much better life staying single.  Sure, from her point of view I do.  She's been with her husband over 40 years, and while she loves him with all her heart, they have had their ups and downs.  And, that's a long damn time with anyone.  Oh, yes, I am very aware that my point of view of 40+ years with someone being a long damn time is probably part of my problem.  But, that's not the point.  The grass is always better on the other side.  Every cow thinks the pasture they're living in is missing something when they think they've eaten all the grass...but eventually the grass grows back.  So, it's all perception.  I like my pasture.  No one tells me what to do or when to do it or who to do it with.  And, yet, that's kind of a void at times too.  The downside is everyone really wants to have someone to make some decisions with.  It's kind of human nature.  So, while my sister's pasture looks awesome too; it wasn't the pasture I got put in.

Anyway, my friend is having relationship problems.  It happens.  Anyone who thinks relationships are going to be "perfect" when they go into one hasn't been paying attention to the other pastures.  There's no such thing.  I have a couple of friends that are married that share their FB account.  They literally only have the one account.  I think this is T-totally weird.  It works for them.  I'd be annoyed every time my significant other was in a conversation and my phone was dinging--particularly if I were busy at work.  But, while they are one of the happiest couples that I know, I know their relationship would feel completely stifling to me.  So this other friend of mine, well, she really is like me that she doesn't want that type of relationship.  However, she's bitching on FB like that's what she really wants.  First, bitching about your relationship on FB is a lot of entertainment for some people.  Not necessarily conducive to maintaining a good relationship though, because basically, everyone and their brother is going to proffer up their useless opinions.  Why useless?  Well, while they all have the best of intentions by "intervening", they simply don't know you well enough.  I know her well enough to know that she's not in a bad relationship for her.  It's pretty good for her overall.  They just hit a patch of weeds in their pasture.  I keep my opinions of it to myself though on it because it's HER relationship.  She's venting.  I could say over and over that I don't think FB is the place to vent directly about her relationship, but it's her relationship.  I read it and worry a little.  I might send her a private  message but here's what I noticed.  With one exception, the people posting advice really don't know her at all.  Mostly women who are basing their inputs not on my friend or who her man is, but on who they are, their men are or have been and their own "experiences".  If I offer up my two cents, it will be because I actually know her and him.  I have experience enough of my own AND observing them first hand to give her an opinion based on them instead of me.  If your only input is you, shut up already.  You don't know her and you're doing more damage than help.  She was second guessing herself and you don't know her well enough to know why.  She would go insane if he was bugging her like she's bitching supposedly wanting.  She's actually just bitching about one incident, not an on-going issue.  It's all debatable whether FB is the place to vent, but hell POTUS does it on Twitter daily, so cut her a break!!!

Now, don't get me wrong.  I watch FB and I will intervene immediately with a comment or private message if I think my friend is depressed, suffering immensely and just needs a vote of confidence, but that isn't what is happening here.  "Intervening" is when you genuinely think you need to help. Help being the key word.  But you're just being a busy body if you are handing out relationship advice like "Dear Amy" (or "Abby" for you older types) without knowing the people involved.  We see more snippets of each other's lives on FB and other means of social media than we would of acquaintances and even friends if there was no social media.  It does NOT mean that you know them and their lives.  It means you might know more than you should.  However, that doesn't mean that you know enough.  It's still just snippets.  I want to thank my friends for their intervention last summer, but they know me.  Next time you think you want to intervene, remember if you don't know more than what you've seen on FB, then you really probably don't know.  Let real friends intervene.

Who the hell wants to be a woman?

Lately some of you have been thinking about, even if briefly, something I had to think about a long time ago.  Being a female in the United States Military, regardless of branch, has always meant that we're going to live with lesbians and transgenders.   It doesn't matter whether we served as nurses during the Civil War or the War to End All Wars (aka. WWI), WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Desert Storm or the current never ending conflict or anywhere in between.  Even as the military has increased its female population to over 15% (2015 statistics), the demographics of lesbians and transgender women in the military is actually higher than the general population.  Over 11% of all females in the military admit to being gay while the general population (the civilian, never served population) is less than 5%.  Usually the military is a mirror of current society.  Those of us that volunteer are a statistical representation of who we are as a country.  By this I mean, social class, financial class, and educational, race and regional backgrounds.  The military is just a smaller duplicate pie...EXCEPT for the comparison to the gay community.  More than double of the big pie of the female gay community joins the military.  On the opposite note, only half of the male gay community is represented.  LGBT men are approximately 3.7% of the population.  Yet, they make up just over 2% of the men that serve.  We are talking about a very small part of the military community for the men in the military.  We are talking about a very large percentage of women in the military for those women that serve.  So, for the obvious reasons, as a former military female, I had to come to grips with the fact a lot of the women I had to share quarters with, shower with, get dressed and undressed with were actually attracted to women, and potentially me....

Now, if you know me well, you know I grew up surrounded by male influences and my closest friends have generally been men.  I work in a male dominated field in traditionally male dominated industries.  So, it may or may not come to a surprise to some of you that I get an upchuck feeling when I see two women kiss.  Yup, just like many men claim when they even think of two guys.  Guess what I do?  I look away.  Imagine that.  Just looking away.  But that is what our society dictates is appropriate if two women are swapping tongue.  You don't like it?  Mind your own business and look away.  

Now, that's all fine and dandy, right?  But here's something some of you, particularly the women that are forming opinions, can consider coming from the perspective of a woman that did have lesbian transgender roommates and from as usual a very unique perspective....

First, consider this question:  Why is it okay for a woman to be gay but not a man?  Really.  I know plenty of people--droves in fact--that find it perfectly acceptable for a woman to be gay, but get downright nasty when we start talking about gay men.  Why is this?  In fact, let's take that question one step further.  It's common place for a large percentage of gay women to talk like, act like, dress like and do everything they can to look like men.  Again, this is perfectly acceptable to a very large majority of the population, even the population that doesn't find it acceptable to be a gay man.  Now, for those of you a little naive, that woman that you find perfectly acceptable, dressing, talking, grabbing her imaginary junk as if she were a man--well, she's a transgender.  Yes, almost all of us know several transgender women.  Think about the ones you know.  Are you offended by the fact they want to dress like men?  Are you offended that they want to talk like men?  Be treated like men?  Act like men?  The answer so far as I've asked people has been a resounding "NO".  It is perfectly fine to be a woman who wants to be a man.  In fact, a large majority of men, even the ones that I wouldn't call neanderthals, like to punchline it with "can't fault them for liking to eat p*ssy" or some similar vulgar comment and a hardy har-har....

Now, let that settle, particularly if you are a woman...then ask yourself:  Why isn't our response when we hear about a man who is gay "can't fault him for liking the d*ck" har, har, har?  WHAT????  OMG.  Yea, but seriously, why is that?  Is it because none of us like sex?  I know a shit ton of women that I am very good friends with and trust me if they are any representation of women as a whole, then that is not the reason.  Most women do like sex.  So....Is it because we don't like men who don't act like "men"?   Well, we all know that straight men can sometimes act like children no matter how manly man they are, and every woman finds this endearing at times.  So, no, probably not that.  In fact, gay men typically get along with women far better than they do with other men.  So what is it that causes us to say that gay men, transgender particularly, can't serve in the military but transgender women can?  

It comes down to one thing.  Really.  Society dictates what is or isn't appropriate for women.  Transgender men want to be women.  Women cannot serve in the military.  Not so long ago this was a huge argument.  Women only went to combat ships in the 1990s.  Women can't fight in combat roles.  There are finally female medics in combat roles and they act as bravely as their male counterparts.  One was even awarded the Silver Star.  Women cannot, and if you want to be a woman, neither can you.  

That's right this all comes down to society and how we devalue women--how we women devalue ourselves.  I've been asked over the years more times than I can count whether I'm gay.  I was in the military.  I'm not just an engineer--I'm a mechanical engineer which is less than 2% female.  I'm a gearhead and I ride my own motorcycle.  I am described as carrying myself with the confidence of most men.  Like one of my best friends describes me--"everything a man would be if a man were a woman".  But, here's the kicker...I'm straight.  I LOVE being a woman.  I'm also girly girl as hell.  So this is why I know better than anyone what the real problem with transgender males in the military is, because we all know there is zero problem with transgender women in the military or in society as a whole.  Transgender men want to be women and supposedly being a woman sucks.  Women aren't supposed to be engineers, or mechanical engineers or in the military.  Women are supposed to be barefoot, pregnant, and basically still subsidized by their stronger, more valued male counterparts.  And ladies as long as you don't speak up for those men that would rather be women or like women, guess what?  We will continue to be devalued.  

No, no, no?  Yes, actually.  It's that simple.  It's not a choice, but most people still look at being LGBT, particularly the T of it, as some kind of choice.  The LGB many of us have come to terms that it isn't a choice, and that lesbians, gays and bis are born that way.  But the T?  Somehow that's still a choice.  Well, if it's a choice and it's okay to be a female T who wants to dress, act and talk like a man, then why is it not okay for a male T to want to be a woman?  It comes down to ALL women.  Our value in our society.  Women being valued for being women and still being equal to men???  Unheard of.  It's as simple as that.  Society at some levels still devalues us simply because we are not men--there's no choice there.

No transgender is making a "choice"; they are who they were born to be.  I don't think any of my lesbian friends that dress like men are trying to be men.  They are trying to be themselves.  They identify more as men than as women.  But our society is okay with that because it's "better" to be a man.  But ladies, and gentlemen, it's awesome to be a woman!!! That's what we as a society really haven't embraced yet.  And that's why we can embrace the female transgenders and still mock and put down them there male Ts.  Because we still put down women in our society and who the hell in their right mind would want to be a woman???