This morning I was actually going to write a blog entitled "life lessons" because a good friend had posted that her and her husband had a couple that they thought were friends who stole from them. I was told several years back to pay attention to who someone is for at least 6 months before you make up your mind. Not because any of us are dishonest. In my humble opinion based on years of experience, most people are basically decent. But, those that aren't honest, it's pretty much a good piece of advice. Those that are worthless pieces of crap will slip up in 6 months. You just still have to be watching for it. Those "types" of people who are dishonest, less than honorable, that will be ugly or take advantage or try to mistreat you or use you, well, they usually can fool you into trusting them after a couple of months. What you find out is they are telling you constantly what they don't like about others, well, manipulation is the quickest way to identify them. They just can't help themselves, but they won't start that until they think you "trust" them. They usually use their inputs and your responses to "know" whether they can start pushing the envelope with you. I'm not even sure that they know they are doing it. Do they? I cut these types out pretty quick, but the ones I've missed are all the same. When they get caught, it was your fault.
So, one of my sons tells me in passing when we are talking about something else that my exes' wives are spying on me regularly. They "met" on FB while stalking me and mine. I'm like kind of set off. You're kidding, right? Nope. The one who literally was screwing my husband while I was pregnant 22 years ago still stalks me. I asked how he would know this. She said so. Right in front of him. She is so crazy she talks crap about my ex's sisters, me, pretty much anyone. But I get his sisters. They live near by them. Me? Why me? He told me that it really didn't matter. She's had 7 abortions and other crap and she's just jealous. Wow. Jealous after 22 years? Let that settle in. I consider her a blip. Seriously. My ex cheated on his pregnant wife (me) who he supposedly loved with all his heart. I just wasn't raised that way. She, whether she meant to or not, set me free. I gave my ex a couple of chances to fix it, and a lot of people thought he had lost his mind. But it was what it was and I walked away. For over 10 years, every year for my birthday, I was served court paperwork. Seriously. You just can't make this stuff up. After 10 years, the judge took notice and he told my ex he never wanted to see him again. He told him I was entitled to a lot more in child support, even encouraged me to file. I told the judge if I could just have peace and quiet it would be worth money I never saw. So the money that was ordered when our youngest son was just a couple months old in 1996 was the same money he paid for the duration of 17.5 years. I wanted quiet and that day I finally got it for the most part.
In fact, those that know me well, and as of a couple years ago, my ex also knows, that I have never done an ugly or manipulative thing in my life. I just wanted peace. They were so much drama all the time that I didn't want a relationship. Seriously. I got asked why I was single all the time. That was really it. I wanted to come home and relax, and I was raising 3 boys that needed me. I put them first and tried to keep the drama to a minimum. A couple years ago, he was yelling at me about being a manipulative bitch. So I told him just once. I had manipulated him once and it was the meanest thing I had ever done in my life. I told him he would remember as soon as I told him. I had laid it on thick when he and this woman had broke up. I knew they had finally broken up, but he was yelling and carrying on. So I told him, "oh yes, I wish I had found my soulmate like (he) did." I laid it on so thick the icing on the cake was thick enough to be a double layer cake all on its own. I punchlined telling him this with the fact he married her a few months later. He hung up on me. We have had no contact since. It has been so quiet and peaceful....
Until my son told me that his wife is still stalking me after all this time. I mean it doesn't really affect me. How pathetic and sad is this poor woman to still be stalking me after all these years? Admittedly, at first, I was a little pissed. Then I thought about that last conversation I had with my ex. I laughed after he hung up on me. In fact, I've laughed every time I've told the story about him marrying this woman after that "mean girl" thing I did. Today, knowing that this poor guy is really stuck with someone that's crazy obsessive like a high school girl on crack, well, I actually didn't laugh when I thought about the story. As I started to write the blog, I realized I felt sympathy. For him, in the sense that he really didn't want a crazy marriage, but he made it come true. We were young, but neither of us were crazy. But here's the kicker; I even feel sorry for her. Again, she did it to herself, but no one obsesses over another woman like she has obsessed over me for years unless two things are true. One, she's nuttier than a PayDay candy bar, and two, in her mind, my ex still must love the heck out of me. I can't imagine being with someone that didn't love me. I'd rather be alone. But I suppose that doesn't actually matter to a crazy person.
To my friends that know me well, they know this epiphany is huge. I have always been amused by what I did. I mean, even when I have admitted it was an ugly thing to do. But it's the only mean thing I ever did to my ex. That's it. I don't feel bad though. He was and is a grown adult. He could've stepped back and figured out what was what. He chose to be in this crazy, drama zone that just never seemed to stop. I chose to get myself out of it, even if it meant he paid $906 a month instead of $1600-1700 a month. That's how desperate I was to keep the craziness out of my life. That was what the judge told us and our lawyers that last court date...The next 8 years were silent until he actually quit paying his child support while our kid was a senior in high school. Whole senior year. Priceless. All I had to do was file, but I seriously realized that it was going to be a fight and I just didn't want to bother. I'm still amazed at how callous he was about taking care of our sons, but then consider this crazy woman is still stalking me when our boys are full grown men. I guess he really loved me at some point. I never really doubted it. Now, I don't know who to feel more sorry for. Her, for marrying a man who didn't love her. Or him, marrying someone he didn't love just to prove he hadn't made a mistake.
Thing is that now that I wrote all this, we come to the real question, right? What did I feel? What do I feel? No different than I did yesterday except.... I am not laughing at "tricking" him into marrying her anymore. I feel bad for him. Everyone else could see what he was getting into but him. I did it in hopes that the harassment would stop. It took several more years before it would in that courtroom. Sure, she is still stalking me via social media, but apparently my ex has given up participating. There were plenty of different ways this could've played itself out. I guess I was due feeling a little bad about icing that cake so much. But, truth is after writing all this, I feel good. I do. I am not in a miserable marriage. I'm not a manipulative, scheming, obsessed woman. I'm not married to a manipulative, scheming, obsessed or other version of crazy person. That 6 month rule might have saved him. All the life lessons I needed to learn about marriage as an adult, I learned from watching my ex. Poor guy. I wouldn't wish it on anyone...anymore...and for that I'm actually grateful that he was ever part of my life.
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