So my youngest and I had a relationship talk today. His girlfriend and he have been dating for almost 2 years. It's high school, but often he chooses to ask my opinion. Today it was about a conversation they had. Some days he loves her more than he thinks she loves him and some days she loves him more than he thinks he loves her. Some days he needs alone time and some days she needs alone time. These days don't always seem to coincide. Shocking, I know. I think he thinks that his relationship is somehow supposed to mimic one of mine. I explain to him that is simply ridiculous. Life is full of choices. We decide how things go, no one else. Only ignorant people repeat their mistakes, or their parents mistakes. My ex-husband married his mother--me. His mother and I were like two peas in a pod. His father, well, my ex didn't want to be like him for a myraid of reasons--not my place to share--but regardless, my ex in our relationship became what from observation I assume was his father and my role became similar to his mother's role. Our mistakes, anyone's parents' mistakes should not define the mistakes we make. Just because our parents couldn't make a relationship work, doesn't mean we can't. But still as the conversation progressed we covered some interesting ground.
For one, every day with someone is not going to be all sunny, rosey and awesome. That ends after the first six months. There are always ups and downs, and the days you feel up are definately not always the same days that your partner feels up. Life is not that simple. It is those days that define not just your relationship, but you. It's those days that many people choose to cheat, wander, abandon the one that they supposedly love, because life got a little tough on them. It's much easier for many people to stand by someone that they don't love than it is for them to stand by someone that they do. It's one of those things. I could never understand why I've had a couple of boyfriends dump me, go out with someone fat, ugly, less desirable, dumb as a box of rocks, or flat out whores--what would someone who onlookers think you've screwed the pooch have to offer over someone smart-ish, pretty by some people standards, honest, loyal, and faithful? Ego feed? Making the guy feel better about himself? She won't cheat on me? I don't know. I've never figured it out really. But I told Morg that those moments sometimes have been blamed on the whore, the fat ugly woman who made them feel better about themselves while I was at a low moment. Seriously. This is an excuse I've been given. I told Morg these are the moments that define you. Those moments where your girlfriend, wife, whatever needs you and regardless of where you are at, you are there to hold them through it, to give them space as they need it, and to support them through it in spite of the fact that you really don't understand the low, they aren't talking about it, or they're just in a spot. People that are happily married, from observation only obviously, don't abandon the other person because of a low spot or moment. Those low spots or moments define who you are as a person and as a partner.
Morg told me he loves his girlfriend more than life itself some days, some days not so much, and some days he could care less about seeing her. I read an advice on relationships list the other day, even posted it to Facebook, but in light of this, I really had to think about my response to my son. The advice was that you always want to see that person, be with them, always, basically. It seemed reasonable as I read it based on my current situation, but then with my son looking at me for advice, I realized how absolutely ridiculous that advice is. Everyone needs their own time and space. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Wanting to see someone all the time, be with them all time, having that oozing from every single pore is only the first six months, maximum. Sex can cloud this, for both men and women, but sooner or later that 'gotta be up the person's ass breathing for them' wears thin. Afterwards, it comes down to a smile, a look, holding hands, passing glances, little things that remind you why you're there on those days that you really are overwhelmed by other things and really don't want to deal with anyone, including them. The one thing that will come back to bite you in your ass is assuming the day that you could care less about them is the day that matters. A couple days later they are your everything, and if you screwed it up, it's going to be a rough day. A new relationship might help, which is what most high school kids do, but even at 40, we all look back and only remember that one boyfriend or girlfriend that actually meant anything. It's the same as adults. I know so many people that kick themselves, male and female, because they screwed up what could've been the one. My advice to him was simple, don't let that one day or several days cause you to do something stupid. When I was a teenager, I was often told "I love you, but I don't like you right now." Don't let those moments where you're not happy with someone make you misjudge whether or not you love them or not.
Some people, especially in high school, like to interject their own venom. I told him if someone wants to date you then their advice is worthless. They have a vested interest in ruining what you have. They, no matter what they say about how they are attempting to help you think it out, are not. People that are helping you think it out are staying out of it. If you end up hooked up with them, eventually you will distain them, because you will realize what you lost. They really aren't doing themselves any favors either. A lot of people that claim someone used them are the ones that manipulated a situation to their own ends. Even if they manage to keep the person, again from observation, they will tolerate a lot of emotional abuse at the hands of the prize they won. I know one woman who's husband cheats on her with any woman he comes across that looks like his ex-wife. A dozen or so over years. She likes to tell everyone that they have a great marriage. She manipulated her way there, ended his marriage by harassing his ex-wife, and then eventually told everyone it's the all time love story. Sure it is. From people on the outside looking in, they barely talk, most people describe her as pathetic or crazy, and everyone, and I mean everyone, knows about most if not all of his affairs with the lookalikes. Only a crazy person would interject themselves in your relationship that wants to date you. Crazier than a coked up stripper. I explained to him in high school is where you should learn to recognize this and avoid it in the future. Toxic people want what they perceive someone "better than them" (in their minds not the mind of the person they believe is better than them) has. They want what they see in someone else's life and they will go to no lengths to have it. And, they always seem from inside the bubble like they have your best interests at heart. People that truly have your best interests at heart, especially if they are "interested" in you, will avoid injecting themselves into what looks to everyone else as a rebound. Toxic, venomous people pray on people that don't recognize them and they often have the innocent act down pat.
Don't assume that your parents, grandparents, whoever you are closest to is how your relationships are going to work. Just because I haven't had a stable long term relationship in years doesn't mean he can't. I know plenty of people that were from broken, unstable homes that are happily married. It's about the two individuals in the relationship, how they treat each other and how they treat themselves that defines how any relationship works. Every relationship is different, because there are always two different people involved. Until recently, I've never dated anyone like my father, although I am acutely aware that I am a lot like my mother was. However, even the relationship I had with someone similar to my father was nothing like the relationship my parents had. We are regardless of similarities very distinctly different at the same time. Two different people. Just because your parents divorced, her parents divorced, I explained, has absolutely nothing to do with whether your relationship, long term, high school only, et cetera, lasts or doesn't last. Only two people can make that determination, and you're half of that equation. Me, his father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, no one but you and the other half have any say in what happens. Hell, ex-husbands, ex-wives, ex-anything, for that matter. It's your decision and/or theirs and that's it. It's sheer cowardice to blame past relationships, yours or anyone else's.
Finally, I told him women are different than men. (Like even a complete wackadoo couldn't point this out.) Men handle stress by covering it up pretty well. I'm a terrible example, I told him. I'll do like most guys--pretend nothing is wrong. Not because it's not tearing me up inside but because that's how I was raised (problem with your father and grandfather really wanting a boy and you being a girl). Women though are hormonal, men are too, but women show it more. Estrogen can make women seem more needy when they are younger. Probably why, I hypothesized to him, that men in their forties need more attention. It's supposed to be a trade off I think. Women are needy for a longer amount of years in their teens and twenties, but not in huge dosages. Men in their 40s as the testosterone levels sink become more needy at times, albeit for a shorter amount of years. His girlfriend's hormones are no different than when his testosterone levels spike and he acts like a total turd. Difference is her levels come with better indicators.
Love is not something that you want to give away, I told him, in a moment that you think she loves you more than you love her, or even in a moment that you think you love her more than she loves you. Life isn't about the days that are less, but the days that are more. The advice I read earlier this week are shit. No one loves each other constantly all the time 100% to the maximum. Sometimes the person is just flat out going to get on your nerves. It's the moments that the two of you understand this and stand by each other through it. It's not easy, but here's your chance to learn that at a young age. High school I suspect is when we should learn it. Love isn't some romantic crap all the time. Sometimes love is knowing that at that moment you can't stand to be around the person, but you would never abandon them to the wolves.
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