I've never really thought about rebound relationships. The only one that I ever had, ones that I ever had, were after my divorce..ok, technically during my divorce. There were techically 3 all in the course of the one divorce. One, I kinda miss to this day. Two, I'm still friends with sort of and would marry me yesterday if I were willing and the third was a manipulative jerk who got exactly what he wanted and left me reeling worse than the divorce did. Not because I loved him, but because he destroyed everything in his wake. He wasn't a good person and I got manipulated into one of the most vengeful things I've ever seen, let alone conceived of. I suppose that's my own fault in a way. Most of my closest friends give me a pass though for it even though I don't because I was suffering from post pardom depression, the end of a marriage, catching my ex quite literally cheating on me while I was pregnant...I was a mess. But recent events started me thinking about how devastating a rebound can be.
The first was a Naval officer, pilot, and still one of the most amazing men I've ever known. I kick myself sometimes because as wonderful as he is it wasn't meant to be. He wasn't the typical officer--I mean yes, handsome, gentleman, etc. But, he was a mustang--for the non-military types former enlisted gone officer. Amazing man--smart, successful, charming, intelligent, fun, a great cook....There wasn't anything wrong with him. Except for the drunk chick who would call at all hours of the day and night from Hawaii.
The second was my first, and LAST, attempt at "friends with benefits". Three months in and he begged me to marry him, at his birthday party, and I was mortified. He was the most caring, sweet, smart and genuine man I have ever met. Coupled with a super severe case of alcoholism the world has ever seen. Amazing guy. Could do calculus in his head. Could carry on a conversation about anything with anyone. Had just one of the most amazing personalities anyone could ask for and just sheer fun. Treated me like a princess. But was pass out level drunk every day by 5 pm. Seriously.
The third. Well, I ended up with him for years. He manipulated me, according to friends now and at the time, and made my life a living hell. Something you might want to tell your half Asian girlfriend--your family is Klan and she's not going to exactly fit in--especially before you convince her to move to where you're from. The man was a nightmare. Initially he was great. All liars are. He was "everything" I needed. He read me like a book. And then he put me in a position to get the vengence he so craved. My ex-husband had an affair with his ex-wife. He had mutual friends introduce us. I was "oblivious" at the time that he had orchastrated the whole thing, but in all honesty, I was stupid blind because I just wanted the hurt to go away. Worse yet, I wasn't even acknowledging the hurt. It opened the door for him to tell me anything and for it to be true. Blind faith can be great, but not in a rebound relationship. It opened the door to a lot of pain down the road. It dragged out my feelings for ex. Not because I still loved him, but because I didn't deal with them when I should have. This "friend" who became my rebound manipulated the living shit out of me. He put me in positions that I should've said no to but he also made me think they were good ideas at the time. I remember the first time I thought I was in the wrong relationship clear as a bell. He insisted we go to a pool party that friends of my ex's and mine were having. I didn't want to go, at all. It wasn't because of my ex. It wasn't because of anything really. I just didn't want to deal with the drama. And my ex, his ex, an exhaustive number of my ex's friends, my friends, our mutual friends...that didn't matter to him. His focus was always to be in my ex's face, in his ex's face, and I was his way there since he and her had no children. I was too stupid to realize it. He really prolonged the agony of my divorce by constantly manipulating me into situations and arguments that I had preferred to walk away from. I eventually, a couple years eventually, realized what was going on. But like I do with any ex-boyfriend, I stayed friends with him (eventually) and moved on....
End of story? No, eventually his prejudice jackass of a father kicked the bucket, and guess who calls me crying? Of course, he did. This is me we're talking about here--friggin crazy train magnet. He was the executor of his father's will. His father had a "secret" storage locker at one of those storage places you see all over the place. I guess it was like a 12 feet by 8 feet. Good size. In it, riches? Pictures of his kids? Memoirs of years gone by? Well, yes, technically, memoirs of years gone by...Boxes up to the ceiling, lined up nice and neat, filed in some fashion, along the walls and in the center with a pathway, people's names on each one. His father had meticulously kept records of everyone in his professional career that he had screwed over, all of his lies, manipulations, deceit, boxed and cataloged for periodic review--like a serial killer, only of people's professional careers. A God damn, fucking lunatic keeping all the heinous deeds of his life like trophies. As I sat and listened, pretty much shocked, I finally put my arms around what a horrible person this guy was and why. His father had literally been one of the most vindictive human beings and the most vindictive I have personally ever known. Sheer ugly. On the phone crying was the second most vindictive horrible person I had ever known and I was listening, trying to sympathize, and coming up grossly short. I couldn't understand how anyone would intentionally do anything of the sort. But in that moment, I realized what his son, this man crying, had done to me. I sat there listening, infuriated, but quietly taking it all in. I had let this man into my life, I had done so on the rebound, and although a sight better than his father, a chip off the old block.
I've never had a rebound relationship since. I'll go months sometimes just clearing my head. I didn't date for years after breaking up with a marine. I was devastated over the whole thing and just couldn't get my mind around dating anyone else and was completely unwilling to repeat the previous mistake. Rebounding into anyone is a potluck, and genuinely the one that you attach to is probably going to be the worst of the worst. The liars are the ones that benefit from those of us that rebound relationships. They leave a wake behind them that not only muddys the water but often puts us in positions that we can never "recover" from. They're the nightmare that we don't even realize that we're in until it's too late. One of the nicest people I've ever known has been committing some of the ugliest things I've ever seen while in a rebound relationship. The only thing I can say is that rebound or not the rebound isn't going to give a shit that you have to live with yourself later. Sooner or later, the lies someone told you that you bought hook line and sinker that lead you down the brazen path are going to be the actions that you'll have to reconcile with later....
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