There's one thing most people notice about me right away. I really don't sugar coat anything. There are just those people in this world that will be honest no matter what. Not that there aren't occasions that some little "white lie" isn't appropriate. If I get a phone call from a friend and I'm busy, I'll tell them I'm busy. If they ask what I was doing and I was in the middle of intercourse, I'm probably just going to tell them that I need to call them back later. That's the extent of my little "white lies". My family found lying intolerable, and as a youngster, I was no different than other children. However, the punishment for lying wasn't just going to my room. It should not be surprising to anyone that reads my blog: It was a discussion, a debate, on the merits of lying. Yes, I've heard all the arguments why to lie to someone. As a child, I used them in the debate quite often. The most poignant always being that it will hurt someone's feelings. We want to spare them the pain. We don't want to be involved. There are none that trump this card: "The truth eventually comes out. The person who trusted you will feel betrayed twice. Once for the lie, and once for the truth. It is better to tell the truth once and for it to hurt, than to lie and allow someone to suffer twice the pain." That doesn't really trump the "don't want to be involved" card, but often if it is our friend, we're involved by the sheer fact that we are their friend.
Some years ago, one of my most dearest and oldest friends was having an affair with a married man. She had met him on the internet and she was looking forward to spending the rest of her life with him. I listened intently. His wife was pregnant. Having been in that position of pregnant wife with cheating husband, wound in retrospect still gaping, I couldn't help but look on her with a bit of disappointment. She was, and still is, an amazing woman. As my friend poured her heart, aches and pains, her own disappointments, what little joy this man had brought into her life with secret trysts and liaisons, my own disappointment turned to sympathy for a friend who could not see the forest through the trees. I was there to lend an ear, not sit in judgment. Yet, out of her mouth, "What do you think?" My answer was simple: "You don't want to hear what I think." Yes, she insisted she did, and asked again. My answer altered slightly with an added don't ask a third time or I would indeed tell her. The third time was the final strike. I told her he was married with a pregnant wife, he wasn't leaving her and short of her throwing him out on his ass, she would be the one left in the lurch. No cheating man, not even the one I had, ever leaves their wife. The wife may, sooner or later, get tired of the cheating, but from my observations over the years choose to live with it. Most still see it as a competition to keep "their man" and will stand by him like some Tammy Wynette song of old. My friend couldn't see it. Neither of us were the Tammy Wynette types. "Stand by your man" was and is only as good as the man standing next to us. So I told her, this man had already proven himself unworthy by the sheer fact he was cheating on his current wife. Even if she did somehow prevail, would she really be able to trust him? This conversation did not end well. She was angry with me and we didn't talk again for some time. When we did, it was like nothing ever happened. The "relationship" had run its course and our friendship was the same as it had always been. If it had worked out I was once told she would've never "forgiven" you, but outside the bubble and actually listening to what she was saying, there would have been no way to lie to her with her asking. She didn't forgive some friends that encouraged the relationship, so it was a double edged sword regardless.
Those hard decisions, telling a best friend of years, that her heart's hope is wasted in my opinion was one of the times that I sat and wondered if I had done the right thing. It's sometimes much easier to make the decision. A couple weeks back, my boyfriend's friend asked me to fix him up with a very good friend of mine. We would all like to see him with a "nice" woman rather than some of the loonies that he has dated over the last year that I've known him. The next night he brought a woman with him and he asked me what I thought of his new "girlfriend". Honestly, at first I thought he was joking, especially given his interest in my friend, let alone that he had known this woman, girl, for less than 6 days. I asked him what he meant. He repeated the question. I shrugged and told him, "she's a typical stripper". What did I mean, he wanted to know. "She's just a typical stripper. She came in, scanned the guys in the room, and ignored the two (women) sitting here. Typical stripper." He became huffy and and told me I was being judgmental. No, I wasn't. For those that have ever been around strippers, we all know what I mean. They are looking for the money bags in the room like a rabid dog is looking for a bite. It's who they are, it's who they become at least, once they start stripping. Doesn't matter if they're high end or low end. It's just a fact. We joke that you become like the people that you choose to hang out with, but it's not really a joke. Strippers are point in case. They've always got a cover story, going to school, planning on going to school, it's just to feed their kids (not their drug habits), and honestly, I've even known one that these "lies" were actually true. She has an accounting degree but went right back to stripping because of the "money". At least she was always honest. She's the one-off, one out of a thousand strippers, that make the stories semi-swallow-able when we hear it from the rest of them. Still, she went back to stripping, and I lost contact with her. Her version of professional and mine were extremely different. Honestly, I am not sure she even had a choice. Many strippers simply can't get truly professional jobs, because someone always recognizes them. They are an HR nightmare come true. They take the potential of sexual harassment to a whole new level that could bury a company financially. Again, just fact. Once you've shown your stuff to someone, well, it's really hard to have any credibility if you claim you weren't interested in someone's advances. It's hard enough for the average woman with a jury, let alone a stripper. Not that it's fair, but life isn't fair and we have to live with the choices we make. He was infuriated, not sure why. Because I was the only one that told him the truth I suppose. It's hard to hear that you might be making the wrong choices.
A week later and I find out that he's accusing me of talking about him behind his back to everyone. I haven't even been around. My boyfriend and I went to a bike rally, so I literally haven't seen anyone or talked to anyone other than Chris. Yet, he's gone full psycho and making accusations that are unfounded and cutting off his real friends for the stripper. Now, maybe she is going to "give up" stripping, but it's unlikely--especially if she's bragging that she made a $1K in one night. When I found out about the stunts he pulled this weekend, it was kind of the final straw for me. As far as what I've said to anyone else, well, it's nothing that I didn't say to his face. She's a typical stripper. As far as threatening me or making any other claims, well, I haven't been around. If anyone is talking about it behind his back, I probably can be in the line somewhere in the way back. There are plenty of people worried about his actions and verbalizing how out of control it might be. For those that are talking, we all know: He has a drug problem. Not something I've talked about. Yes, he has a drama problem. Something that everyone talks about--mostly with sympathy and hope that he'll pull through it. Yes, he has PTSD, and everyone knows he needs to go to the VA. At this point, I view it as a crutch he uses to justify piss poor behavior. If the stuff he pulled this weekend that already got back to us is who he really is, then his lies have exceeded my limit. Drug problem, drama problem, PTSD. We make choices. If we choose to do some of the things that he did this weekend, then yes, he needs help, serious help. But he's going to have one less friend to help him through it.
The lies that someone tells define them. It tells others what kind of person you are. It defines who and how much trust should be given to you. Even little "white" lies, depending upon your definition of "little", can be as heinous as the lies being told by a rapist. While the truth often hurts, telling someone the truth that is truly a friend doesn't mean that they go all psycho wack job and start trying to stir the pot. It might mean that you try to call them and they aren't ready to talk to you. My friend and I didn't talk for almost a year while that affair played itself out, but we still are great friends to this day. But if someone tells you the truth and you start to go all drama dada on them, then you might expect them to hit their limit. If you start lying about them in your head, then saying it out loud, then follow that up with trying to add drama to their lives, all I can say is maybe I misjudged this guy. I told my boyfriend two weeks ago that this guy was a great friend to him and me and that we should have this guy's back. Less than two weeks later, he's sitting with what he knows will be drama, someone that he himself referred to as a lying fat bitch, and trying to drum up drama for the two people that decided no matter what we would have his back. It was suggested it might be "blame-able" on the stripper. We are all responsible for our own actions. He wants to blame me for his problems. He wants to blame me for people not liking the stripper. I haven't been around to stir the pot, even if I wanted to, and I don't have that kind of control over other people. He wants to stir the pot in my life and relationship. The lies he's telling himself weren't going to affect my opinion of him, but attacking me because he or the stripper think I'm the root of their problems is like saying a mouse in the Westboro Church is why they protest. It's ridiculous. I'm glad for what he did a couple weeks ago, but any debt that I felt to him, has been completely repaid. I would have preferred not knowing the bullshit he pulled this weekend, but at this point, we're even. That's the best someone who can't handle the truth can expect from someone like me that only tells the truth.
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