Consider what someone else's Trojan Horse has inside it before you get jealous...

I've never quite understood why people think the pretty girl is always the b*tch.  In movies and television, even the nerdy, quiet chick is cute--they have to be.  Who wants to pay to go see a movie where there's unattractive people?  It's like the stereotype of wife beaters.  We all assume that the majority are white males that live in trailer parks.  It's the most popular image that comes to mind.  Truth is that statistically 22+% of men commit spousal abuse--that we know of.  The statistics are of course based on reported cases and counts done by groups that organize safe houses.  More shocking almost 8% of women abuse their spouse or boyfriend.  Seriously, and the spread of this is not exclusive to lower incomes.  In fact, by percentage, in higher incomes the 22% and 8% still hold steady.  Less people in the higher incomes, so by count less, yes, but by percentages, shockingly the same.  So why do we make assumptions and stereotypes about them?  The show COPS?  The count on those mugshot websites?  Maybe even movies--pretty rare to see a movie about some rich CEO being an abusive ass.  Likewise, why would we believe that pretty women are automatically horrible human beings?  Taylor Swift sings a song, a jealous berating song, about how she--as the girl next door--knows the boy better than the high-heeled cheerleader...Have you seen Taylor Swift?  A lot of people I know find her extremely attractive.  Maybe she was in the band, but even as a kid, she wasn't a "dog".  The assumption that a pretty, attractive woman is an ugly person on the inside is about as smart as assuming that a CEO isn't beating his wife when she shows up with bruises on a regular basis and odd stories of bumping herself on the stair railing.

I have a lot of very physically attractive friends.  We're not the odd "stereotype" of the pretty girl hanging with the uglier girl to make herself look more appealing.  In fact, pretty women that are confident in themselves don't need that stereotype.  The more hot girls hanging together, the more attention they command.  Odds go up when you have several women that each can attract a percentage of men in the room.  I know that sounds evil, but whether looking for men or not, attention from men does up the "real estate".  Likewise, see a man with an attractive woman, and he gains attention from both the men and women in the room--it's how our society is, sadly enough.  From humble observation, typically it is the less than average to slightly above average women that insist on finding the ugliest friend they can to pow wow around with.  Like in the movie "Hall Pass", the guy blocks the view of the friends around the "hot chick" and voila, not so hot.  The fact is that every woman at some point realizes where they are on the scale of 1 to 10.  Some give themselves a higher number than they are, and some give themselves a lower number--but it's always give or take 1 or 2 based on the woman's personality.  They've conducted some studies on how we perceive ourselves.  In one very interesting study, 20 men and women were "bagged" over their faces.  They were dressed the same so that there were no assumptions on body shape.  Then, each man was given a number 1 to 10 on their chest, likewise with the women, without knowing what numbers they had on their chests.  Eventually as the group interacted, the 10 ended up with the other 10, 9 with 9, et cetera.  Even without physical markings other than a number representing the marking, they ended up migrated to one another.  Even more important to consider, since they were unaware of their own number, their interactions told them what number they were in the eyes of the others in the group.  The assumption that we migrate initially to people that we assume equal in appearance was proven.  So at a certain age, we realize what our "number" is and also what other people's "numbers" are, and we base our desires on those numbers, generally.

At what age do we realize this?  Well, I've asked several of my "pretty" friends.  Most will tell you that physical appearance has nothing to do with it because it's what is on the inside that counts.  Still, they generally will state unequivically that it wasn't in high school or as a teenager.  Most realized it in their late 20s.  Yes, seriously.  I myself was almost 30 by the time it started to hit me that I attracted a lot of guys.  I was so clueless, but one of my best friends told me "you realize that I have never seen you with a guy that was less than an 8.5.  I laughed, and told her that was ridiculous.  She named off the dates that I had gone out on in the last six months.  Good looking, friggin hot, really cute, super sexy, she thought I was turning down jackpot after jackpot after jackpot.  Then she punchlined it with:  "But of course, you can afford to be picky.  You're a hottie yourself."  I went home looked in the mirror.  I saw chub everywhere--for the ladies, I was a size 3/4.  I saw some of my father's features--yes, Daddy was handsome, but not so much for a chick.  I had a lot of muscle tissue from being in the military and kickboxing.  I got on the scale and I weighed almost 150 pounds.  What I missed:  I look a lot like my mother too.  I have a smile that most of my friends describe as infectious.  I have the standard "sexy" curvature measurements where the bust line and the hip line are the same and the waist is approximately 1/3 smaller.  This hourglass figure is about 8.5% of the women.  There's even been a study on this that men supposedly find the "hourglass" figure the most attractive, regardless of the girth.  Marilyn Monroe was actually a perfect speciman of the 1/3rd rule, and she was a 12 to 14 in today's sizes.  Marilyn Monroe is also, unfortunately, one of those pretty women who was eaten up inside because pretty women take a lot of abuse.  Once you realize that you're "pretty", life doesn't become easier, but far more complicated.

Really?  Complicated?  Yes.  As one of my really good friends put it, you spend at least half of your time trying to put other women at ease around you.  That's the best way I've ever heard it put.  A pretty woman cannot afford to focus on the men around her while the above average looking to lower can.  Even if we are with a man, we know that we can still put off other women if we do not show them that we are more interested in them than we are the men.  We have to recognize and pay respect to the women first.  It becomes difficult, because many women when they first meet you are ill at ease.  Many of us, as another friend puts it, become stand-off-ish rather than take the "beating" from other women.  It's very hard to go into a bathrooom stall and hear two women, particularly if you know they are aware you went into the bathroom, to stand there in front of the mirror and berate you when they don't even know you.  "She thinks she's so cute."  "No one likes her."  "I'm going to tell (some guy) that he needs to quit talking to her, because (some derogatory comment about the way you look)."  Yes, it happens, and it happens to every pretty woman that you've ever met.  And the assumption that it's only the most unattractive women that are that mean is crap.  In fact, they are generally less likely to be the culprits.  Often it's women that are less than average to above average who recognize, consciously or subconsciously, that you are more physically attractive than they are.  I've been asked why I love the biker community so much.  Afterall, the stereotype of bikers is that women are demeaned, have to show their boobs and that biker men are the most chauvinistic of them all.  Again, stereotypes are a nightmare.  Truth is that in general the men allow their women the freedom to choose what they will or will not do, but more importantly, the mass majority of biker women--riders or on the back--that have been part of the community for a while and have attended rallies don't give a rat's ass what you look like.  There's very little need to "put them at ease".  There are still the small percentage that can be heinous, but if they know you'll stand up for yourself, the majority of the other biker women will get behind you and stand by your side, telling them to f*ck off with you.  No other community allows an attractive, confident--or any confident woman, for that matter--be herself like the biker community.  There's a reason that a majority of Harley's new bike sales are geared towards women now.  Those of us that have confidence find a home in the biker community that reveres us rather than beats us down.  It's difficult in other "communities".  I have a friend that was "the country club" diva.  The stress, the catfighting, the drama, she couldn't take the pressure.  Her husband (the one at the time anyway) emotionally brow beat her if he overheard anything derogatory about her from any of the other women, which turned out to be a weekly, sometimes daily, occurance.  The pills, the alcohol, nothing was making it go away and any self-confidence that this beautiful woman had built prior to becoming one of the "divas" of this community was crushed, destroyed under the weight of the pressure.  She found her strength, dropped the pills, even the alcohol for a while to avoid using it as a crutch, and walked away.  The cruelty of other women, and the fact the one person that should've been at her defense let her down, made the life there unbearable.  Like many other attractive women, she found it was easier to find other attractive women to establish friendships with, because the games of trying to ease someone else's mind was too much work.  The irony in this example is many of the women were attractive, but unlike a lot of them, she had no plastic surgery or enhancements and needed no makeup to look amazing.  The phony women often hate the naturally attractive women the most and there's no putting them at ease, ever. 

Consider how difficult it must be.  For men, being attractive is a huge plus.  A heinous jerk can command respect with a little bit of brains and a lot of good looking--Donald Trump was considered a pretty good looking man in the 80s.  I find him repulsive, because of the way he treated Ivana, his arrogance and what I find to be a lack of class.  His actions have often struck me as repugnant.  If an attractive woman were the same, oh my GOD, she would be brow beaten and cursed like it was going out of style.  I can name beautiful woman after beautiful woman that was crushed under her own beauty.  Gia Carangi, Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth, Sophia Loren, Audrey Hepburn, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mariah Carey...some of the major icons of beauty all suffered unhappiness, scandals and disappointments mainly because of the focus on their physical appearance.  Usually their meltdowns are all over the major newspapers and new shows, let alone the tabloid trash media.  The media loves to crush a beautiful woman, especially when the stress starts to get to her.  Why?  Because a lot of us like to crush a beautiful woman.  We love to see them fall, and it's shameless.  When have you ever heard of a Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Sean Connery, Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw, Paul McCartney, Bruce Willis, Russell Crowe, Christian Bale, etc. having a meltdown because the media picked on their looks?  No one ever posts a picture of them fat and gross looking.  That's simply not news.  Even if it was news, men typically shake off bad pictures of themselves, whereas, as beautiful women, well now, the fact is a lot of us think it's news.  It's not news.  It's that attractive men are attractive no matter what, heinous, jackass, jerk, fat, balding.  There are still plenty of people that think Mel Gibson is attractive in spite of his ridiculous comments.  Sean Connery and Russell Crowe have been accused of being abusive by exes.  Who cares?  They're friggin HOT.  Attractive women on the other hand are that girl that blew you off in high school, that got the guy you wanted, that got more attention in the club you hung out in, got in free instead of paying the $10 cover charge to get in, got to the head of the line because the club prefers "pretty" people (ups the club's "real estate"), got the job you wanted because they noticed her work first instead of yours (not that if you're honest with yourself your work was equal or even less).  The same guy, well, the girls want to date him and the guys want to be him.  Really doesn't matter if he's a jerk or not; really doesn't matter if she's a total sweetheart.  That is the world we live in, and the attractive women have to learn to navigate it like a ship in a hurricane. 

Are there women that are very attractive that are heinously bitchy?  Think about how you would feel in the world I describe.  Imagine if everytime you met someone new, your odds that they wouldn't like you just because of your appearance was quadrupled.  Imagine that anyone you've ever dated gets to hear someone make derogatory comments about you--sometimes even while still dating you.  Imagine sometimes having to defend yourself to the one you love, because he's not confident enough to stand up for you.  Imagine you are that pretty woman sitting in that bathroom stall listening to other women who haven't spoken a single word to you berate you, put you down, and make sure that you get to hear it--not just a one-off, but often over and over and over.  Imagine how it would feel to constantly feel like you have to defend yourself, watch your every word, know that your every move was going to turn into someone's gossip--be it at work, at the corner bar you stop at once in awhile, your neighbors, and even sometimes the people you thought were your friends.  Men often will say "that would be awesome".  Truth is some men would think it would be awesome.  Means they are the top of the heap, they can get more women.  But I'm betting most of the men and almost all the women if they can sympathize at all are going to say "thanks, but no thanks."  Sometimes, it's better to blend, and really a lot of the time, it sucks not to blend.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth.  But sometimes the gift horse comes with a lot more inside than what it looks like from the outside.  Next time you meet what you would describe as a beautiful woman, consider what her life must be like, instead of what you perceive as what would be the perfect life. 

Is that what I said? Wait, when did I say it?

Paula Deen said the "N" word.  Shocking, I know.  A white Southerner raised roughly in the 50s and 60s using the "N" word really isn't that shocking.  A white Southern lady, again raised in the 50s and 60s using the "N" word--nope, not really that shocking.  A white popular figure Southern lady, famous on television for her Southern manners, the sweet Southern twang, and some of the best recipes on either side of the Mississippi?  Why by George's, hide the chil'n and put up the livestock!!!  A group of her employees have decided to sue her.  She says that she never used the slur in regards to employees, but in her deposition I guess, admitted to using the racial slur 27 years ago.  Let's see, 27 years ago, oh my, 1986.  I'm shocked and dismayed that she would've still been using such an inappropriate word in 1986!!!  Ok, no, I'm not.  Think back to 1986, if you remember it.  Bill Cosby's show was the most popular television show on TV.  It was also still the only "black" show on mainstream television.  The only blacks, African Americans, in commercials--again, Bill Cosby for pudding.  Fox Television would eventually change all that, but that's not for this blog.  I've seen some of the arguments about her using the word, ever.  She's outrageous, she should pay, that's not the world we live in.  Really?  Are we sure about that?  Is it the "N" word that we are worried about or the fact a prominent white person used it?  Is it really about racism or greed?  It's a word.  Just a word.  Nigger. 

First of all, some of the African American community have embraced, owned the word.  Biggie, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, JayZ, Tupac--all some of my favorite artists use the word like a badge of honor.  Young black men and women use it like an epitath of respect to each other.  At other times, they use it towards each other as a derogatory term.  I love to watch Boondocks re-runs.  The grandfather is hilarious.  He uses it to refer to black men he doesn't like very liberally.  His grandsons use it as often as a cool thing.  It reminds me of the word "bitch".  Women own the word "bitch".  If someone calls a woman a bitch, most women will turn around and say something along the lines of "damn straight"--even if the name caller meant it in the derogatory way.  I worked with mostly men all my life and I guarantee there were times someone would say something like "I hate that bitch" or "she's a f**king bitch".  It would get back to me, and I would think, "that's the best you can do?"  No one runs to HR because someone called them a bitch (ok, maybe a really religious, pious woman, but not the majority).  Women shake it off as a compliment.  "Damn skippy I'm a bitch!! If you think I'm a bitch now, wait til I'm PMS'ing."  On the other hand, call a woman a "cunt".  OH MY GOD!!  All holy hell is gonna break off in your *ss.  Women don't call each other the "C" word unless they really distain each other, and we don't like when anyone--men pretty much--use it regardless of who they are talking about.  We don't "own" the word; we dispise it.  And if you're not a woman, well, holy crap Batman.  You better have the God given sense not to use it in front of any women.  Nothing makes women leap all over themselves to defend other women--like them or not--than the "C" word.  But you won't hear Beyonce, Lil' Kim, Gwen Stefani, Madonna, hell or even Courtney Love, use the "C" word.  Women find it offensive and take no pride in hearing it and you better not use it if you're not a woman.  Period.  So the "N" word is used like a badge of pride, but only if you're black?  Then, the African American community needs to address this problem.  If it's a badge of honor like "Bitch", then anyone using it, regardless of race or sex, should still mean it's an "honor".  I'm a bitch, and I can be a heinous one if you get on my bad side.  I'm proud of it.  If you call me one, I'm gonna tell ya--"Damn straight." 

In an online exchange this morning, a woman who was 8 in 1986 said that's not the world she grew up in.  Don't I know it.  But guess what?  That was still the world in 1986.  She was a child and was most likely shielded from such ugliness.  Good for her parents and family.  But I was older in 1986, teenage.  I remember it pretty damn well.  The "N" word was everywhere still.  There was a film with comedian Richard Pryor in it--"The Toy"--in 1982.  The movie was hysterical.  Richard Pryor was one of the greatest comedians of the time.  He played a black man where a rich white kid wants him as a "toy".  The father, played by Jackie Gleason--who played a lot of "prejudice" characters in his life--made Pryor's character a deal to be the little boy's toy.  There was an outrage over the movie--from some of the black community because he had played a "demeaning" role and some of the white community because it made all whites look like racists.  But when asked, most of the "outraged" hadn't even seen the movie.  More funny is that the movie got you to thinking about the stereotypes that we were living with and the fact that racism was still alive and well in America--albeit hidden behind the curtain of money and greed of the Yuppies.  Those were the years of prosperity for many and there were lots of opportunities even for the poor to go to college.  President Reagan dreamt of a world where anyone could go to college if they were smart enough--since Clinton our government has chipped away at that dream.  Richard Pryor had been the poor black kid who obviously had been smart enough, but the opportunities were not there.  Our society was changing, but still had, and still has, a long way to go.  In stark contrast, Bill Cosby was well educated compared to most whites, let alone compared to Richard Pryor.  It's still amazing to me that an educated black man can be more accepted than an uneducated one--regardless of talent.  But then, newsflash--educated white men are more accepted than non-educated white men.  It's not racism; it's life.  The world wasn't a better place in the 1980s--it was heading there, but there would never have been a black President.  The last known lynching in the United States was in 1981 in Alabama. One of the perpetrators was given the death sentence and became one of the last electric chair death sentences carried out on June 6, 1997.  Sixteen years later.  Medgar Evers was murdered in cold blood by a Ku Klux Klan member in 1963.  His murderer, in spite of bragging in front of numerous witnesses over the years--even being quoted in a book, was not brought to justice until 1994, thirty one years later.  And that was his 3rd trial.  The idea that the world was what it is now and therefore Paula Deen should be punished for what she said in those days is ludicrous. 

The idea isn't just ludicrous because the world changed, but who's to say that Paula Deen didn't?  I'm half Asian, something I'm quite proud of...now.  When I was a little girl, even the Miss Hawaii and Miss Puerto Rico contestants in the Miss America contest were blonde haired and usually blue eyed.  It annoyed me to no end that my blonde cousins had "Barbie" and I had that stupid bitch "Skipper".  I didn't like dolls.  The only pretty ones were blonde.  All pretty girls were blonde.  The smart girls were brunettes, and the only truly "hot" brunette of the age was Jacklyn Smith.  No offense to Jacklyn Smith, but she didn't have olive tone skin like a half Asian, or Native or Hispanic girl.  And she definately didn't have "black" skin.  So I do understand that blacks, African Americans, have every right to feel slighted back then, even more so than I would or did.  But guess what?  Barbie has evolved.  Mattel now makes Barbie in all races, all hair colors, and with all kinds of cool occupations.  Miss America contestants are a spectrum of races and hair colors--as should be for the Great Melting Pot.  Several Hispanic descent and African American contestants have won.  I'm still looking for that Asian or part Asian girl to win it.  My grandparents were pretty racist when I was little.  They were from the Silent Generation; it was a way of life for them.  Italians, Irish, German, Hungarians, Polish, all should maintain their distance.  The immigrants were dirty people only taking jobs from good Americans, you know.  (Sound a little familiar America?)  My Grams only rented to "good colored families".  Her belief was that a good colored family had more respect for their belongings and others' belongings.  She didn't consider herself racist, in spite of the fact that she still believed that there should be certain walls in between the races--which included other "whites".  It was how she had been raised.  Still my Grams didn't believe in separate but equal education either.  She believed that a teacher, truly a teacher, should love all children the same and that each should be able to reach for the stars.  Separate but equal in her mind did not allow for growth and exchange.  My Grams even blurted out in front of my father after I was born, "Thank God" that I looked "white".  (White is relative--I can pass for Italian or Hungarian, no problem.)  My father was a bit hurt, but my Grams grew up in a world that had initally not let Japanese fight in the Second Great War, likewise with Germans and Italians.  Although she liked my father, it mortified her what her little granddaughter might endure.  Grams had watched the world change, but it wasn't like it is today.  It was difficult for her to picture the world of today, although it was the world she hoped for.  So the idea that Paula Deen wouldn't change over the years, learn about new cultures and people, is silly.  Maybe if she still lived in the deep South, in a small town, and never became the celebrity she is now, sure.  But just by being exposed to new things, new cities, new cultures--food is one of the most cultural of all and we know Paula loves food!!  She has probably grown immeasurably.  Mattel has and it's a major corporation.  Miss America has--and it's scholarship programs should be open to all young women, regardless of race or creed.  My Grams grew up in a world where racism of the worst level--"whites" even opposed to certain "white" races--was just common place.  Yet, she grew to someone with a deep respect for others of other races.  Although the words and the colloquialisms that she used would deeply offend most today, it didn't mean that she didn't grow, expand her mind, and change. 

Now, I'm not accusing anyone of lying about whether Paula Deen used the words ever or even with people that worked for her.   But consider Michael Jackson before we are so quick to judge against this woman.  Michael Jackson was accused of being a pedophile and was harrassed for years by law enforcement.  Even a second accusation, that police eventually couldn't prove because the child's description of Michael's body proved inaccurate.  Michael Jackson was poked, prodded and examined, not just by the media, but quite literally by law enforcement trying to find a way to stick charges to him.  The first case, the one that made this man's life probably a living hell under a microscope, was false.  The child, once an adult, after Michael died, came out in a statement that the accusations were lies, his parents had just wanted money, and they had used him to accomplish it.  Millions of dollars had been paid in an undisclosed settlement.  Micheal's lawyers had advised him to settle to avoid further scrutiny and risk losing everything he had trying to fight false accusations.  Our legal system is full of bullshit claims.  Remember the lady who sued McDonalds for the coffee being too hot?  Thanks bitch.  Now, no matter where I buy my coffee I have to drink it on the way anywhere because by the time I get there it's lukewarm at best.  How about the family that sued KFC for a fattening menu that contributed to their obesity?  That was only 2006 folks.  Really.  Get your fat asses off the couch, walk around, get some exercise, and eat healthier once in a while.  We've become a society that prefers to blame other people than take a long ass look in the mirror and wonder what we did to contribute.  We take it as such common place now that we aren't even considering that these people suing Paula Deen probably throw the "N" word around themselves like it's going out of style.  Again, refer back to paragraph 2, if you own the word and it's like a badge of honor, it doesn't matter who uses the damn word--black, white, purple, yellow or orange. 

I'd like to say that I empathize, but truth is I can't even sympathize.  If someone calls me a chink, or a spic or a featherhead (yes, seriously), I consider the source.  They strike me as ignorant, but then, I don't run around calling myself "chink" either.  I think if I did, and then I complained that someone else did--well, that would make me a hypocritical bitch now, wouldn't it?  I'm quite proud of the bitch part, but I try to "practice what I preach" so I avoid being a hypocrite.  Yes, I find the actions of anyone that calls themself "bitch" and then gets mad when someone they don't like calls them a "bitch" as bullshit.  So I'm pretty sure that's how I feel about any other word--be it, chink, spic, featherhead or nigger.  You use it in regards to yourself, then don't expect anyone else to not use it.  It's not racism.  It's just common sense.  If it's a badge of honor, then it's "duh, asshole, I'm a bitch.  Better than being a dumbass."

Don't ask if you can't handle the truth...

There's one thing most people notice about me right away.  I really don't sugar coat anything.  There are just those people in this world that will be honest no matter what.  Not that there aren't occasions that some little "white lie" isn't appropriate.  If I get a phone call from a friend and I'm busy, I'll tell them I'm busy.  If they ask what I was doing and I was in the middle of intercourse, I'm probably just going to tell them that I need to call them back later.  That's the extent of my little "white lies".  My family found lying intolerable, and as a youngster, I was no different than other children.  However, the punishment for lying wasn't just going to my room.  It should not be surprising to anyone that reads my blog:  It was a discussion, a debate, on the merits of lying. Yes, I've heard all the arguments why to lie to someone.  As a child, I used them in the debate quite often.  The most poignant always being that it will hurt someone's feelings.  We want to spare them the pain.  We don't want to be involved.  There are none that trump this card:  "The truth eventually comes out.  The person who trusted you will feel betrayed twice.  Once for the lie, and once for the truth.  It is better to tell the truth once and for it to hurt, than to lie and allow someone to suffer twice the pain."  That doesn't really trump the "don't want to be involved" card, but often if it is our friend, we're involved by the sheer fact that we are their friend.

Some years ago, one of my most dearest and oldest friends was having an affair with a married man.  She had met him on the internet and she was looking forward to spending the rest of her life with him.  I listened intently.  His wife was pregnant.  Having been in that position of pregnant wife with cheating husband, wound in retrospect still gaping, I couldn't help but look on her with a bit of disappointment.  She was, and still is, an amazing woman.  As my friend poured her heart, aches and pains, her own disappointments, what little joy this man had brought into her life with secret trysts and liaisons, my own disappointment turned to sympathy for a friend who could not see the forest through the trees.  I was there to lend an ear, not sit in judgment.  Yet, out of her mouth, "What do you think?"  My answer was simple:  "You don't want to hear what I think."  Yes, she insisted she did, and asked again.  My answer altered slightly with an added don't ask a third time or I would indeed tell her.  The third time was the final strike.  I told her he was married with a pregnant wife, he wasn't leaving her and short of her throwing him out on his ass, she would be the one left in the lurch.  No cheating man, not even the one I had, ever leaves their wife.  The wife may, sooner or later, get tired of the cheating, but from my observations over the years choose to live with it.  Most still see it as a competition to keep "their man" and will stand by him like some Tammy Wynette song of old.  My friend couldn't see it.  Neither of us were the Tammy Wynette types.  "Stand by your man" was and is only as good as the man standing next to us.  So I told her, this man had already proven himself unworthy by the sheer fact he was cheating on his current wife.  Even if she did somehow prevail, would she really be able to trust him?  This conversation did not end well.  She was angry with me and we didn't talk again for some time.  When we did, it was like nothing ever happened. The "relationship" had run its course and our friendship was the same as it had always been.  If it had worked out I was once told she would've never "forgiven" you, but outside the bubble and actually listening to what she was saying, there would have been no way to lie to her with her asking.  She didn't forgive some friends that encouraged the relationship, so it was a double edged sword regardless.

Those hard decisions, telling a best friend of years, that her heart's hope is wasted in my opinion was one of the times that I sat and wondered if I had done the right thing.  It's sometimes much easier to make the decision.  A couple weeks back, my boyfriend's friend asked me to fix him up with a very good friend of mine.  We would all like to see him with a "nice" woman rather than some of the loonies that he has dated over the last year that I've known him.  The next night he brought a woman with him and he asked me what I thought of his new "girlfriend".  Honestly, at first I thought he was joking, especially given his interest in my friend, let alone that he had known this woman, girl, for less than 6 days.  I asked him what he meant.  He repeated the question.  I shrugged and told him, "she's a typical stripper".  What did I mean, he wanted to know.  "She's just a typical stripper.  She came in, scanned the guys in the room, and ignored the two (women) sitting here.  Typical stripper."  He became huffy and and told me I was being judgmental.  No, I wasn't.  For those that have ever been around strippers, we all know what I mean.  They are looking for the money bags in the room like a rabid dog is looking for a bite.  It's who they are, it's who they become at least, once they start stripping.  Doesn't matter if they're high end or low end.  It's just a fact.  We joke that you become like the people that you choose to hang out with, but it's not really a joke.  Strippers are point in case.  They've always got a cover story, going to school, planning on going to school, it's just to feed their kids (not their drug habits), and honestly, I've even known one that these "lies" were actually true.  She has an accounting degree but went right back to stripping because of the "money".  At least she was always honest.  She's the one-off, one out of a thousand strippers, that make the stories semi-swallow-able when we hear it from the rest of them.  Still, she went back to stripping, and I lost contact with her.  Her version of professional and mine were extremely different.  Honestly, I am not sure she even had a choice.  Many strippers simply can't get truly professional jobs, because someone always recognizes them.  They are an HR nightmare come true.  They take the potential of sexual harassment to a whole new level that could bury a company financially.  Again, just fact.  Once you've shown your stuff to someone, well, it's really hard to have any credibility if you claim you weren't interested in someone's advances.  It's hard enough for the average woman with a jury, let alone a stripper.  Not that it's fair, but life isn't fair and we have to live with the choices we make.  He was infuriated, not sure why.  Because I was the only one that told him the truth I suppose.  It's hard to hear that you might be making the wrong choices.

A week later and I find out that he's accusing me of talking about him behind his back to everyone.  I haven't even been around.  My boyfriend and I went to a bike rally, so I literally haven't seen anyone or talked to anyone other than Chris.  Yet, he's gone full psycho and making accusations that are unfounded and cutting off his real friends for the stripper.  Now, maybe she is going to "give up" stripping, but it's unlikely--especially if she's bragging that she made a $1K in one night.  When I found out about the stunts he pulled this weekend, it was kind of the final straw for me.  As far as what I've said to anyone else, well, it's nothing that I didn't say to his face.  She's a typical stripper.  As far as threatening me or making any other claims, well, I haven't been around.  If anyone is talking about it behind his back, I probably can be in the line somewhere in the way back.  There are plenty of people worried about his actions and verbalizing how out of control it might be.  For those that are talking, we all know:  He has a drug problem.  Not something I've talked about.  Yes, he has a drama problem.  Something that everyone talks about--mostly with sympathy and hope that he'll pull through it.  Yes, he has PTSD, and everyone knows he needs to go to the VA.  At this point, I view it as a crutch he uses to justify piss poor behavior.  If the stuff he pulled this weekend that already got back to us is who he really is, then his lies have exceeded my limit.  Drug problem, drama problem, PTSD.  We make choices.  If we choose to do some of the things that he did this weekend, then yes, he needs help, serious help.  But he's going to have one less friend to help him through it.

The lies that someone tells define them.  It tells others what kind of person you are.  It defines who and how much trust should be given to you.  Even little "white" lies, depending upon your definition of "little", can be as  heinous as the lies being told by a rapist.  While the truth often hurts, telling someone the truth that is truly a friend doesn't mean that they go all psycho wack job and start trying to stir the pot.  It might mean that you try to call them and they aren't ready to talk to you.  My friend and I didn't talk for almost a year while that affair played itself out, but we still are great friends to this day.  But if someone tells you the truth and you start to go all drama dada on them, then you might expect them to hit their limit.  If you start lying about them in your head, then saying it out loud, then follow that up with trying to add drama to their lives, all I can say is maybe I misjudged this guy.  I told my boyfriend two weeks ago that this guy was a great friend to him and me and that we should have this guy's back.  Less than two weeks later, he's sitting with what he knows will be drama, someone that he himself referred to as a lying fat bitch, and trying to drum up drama for the two people that decided no matter what we would have his back.   It was suggested it might be "blame-able" on the stripper.  We are all responsible for our own actions.  He wants to blame me for his problems.  He wants to blame me for people not liking the stripper.  I haven't been around to stir the pot, even if I wanted to, and I don't have that kind of control over other people.  He wants to stir the pot in my life and relationship.  The lies he's telling himself weren't going to affect my opinion of him, but attacking me because he or the stripper think I'm the root of their problems is like saying a mouse in the Westboro Church is why they protest.  It's ridiculous.  I'm glad for what he did a couple weeks ago, but any debt that I felt to him, has been completely repaid.  I would have preferred not knowing the bullshit he pulled this weekend, but at this point, we're even.  That's the best someone who can't handle the truth can expect from someone like me that only tells the truth.

Combat MOS or not...maybe lead by example

Well, when I felt a blog coming on last night, this was not it.  I got into a thread this morning on my phone about women serving in combat MOSs.  There's a lot of Army and Marines (it was a Marine thread) that are vehemently opposed to women in combat.  Ok, I've heard it all before.  Women don't belong on carriers, women don't belong in close quarters with men, men will go brain dead whenever "pussy walks by".  Women can't carry the weight needed to pull chocks and chains and they can't run fast enough.  We can't do as many pull ups, we can't....to quote a friend that popped into the chain after I commented...blah, blah, blah.  Of course, his was sarcasm at my defense of women in combat.  Well, first and foremost, if you Facebook at all, if you email at all, then you've probably seen the picture of the female veteran who is standing in front of a fireplace, big smile on her face, both legs gone, standing on two prosthetic legs.  The reality is, regardless of any of our opinions, the women are there, the women are in the middle of the combat zone and tough shit America.  War is not as simple as it was 100 years or 200 years ago.  People don't put together picnic baskets and flock to the nearest battlefield to watch men charge each other, slaughter each other like bulls running upon opposing matadors and then go home and have a hearty dinner while what remains of those men take a break from the fighting to fight the next day.  (Yes, that is really how the Civil War was and World War 1 initially was.)  The airplanes, the tanks, the new modern era of warfare forever changed the landscape of warfare.  The new landscape means that even civilians in a building in New York City, the other side of the planet from any warfare, may wake up one morning and become casualties.  The back lines, where the administration of the war used to take place, is now in a bunker in the lower depths of the Pentagon or some other place, and everything in between is now free game.  That is the world we now live in.  That is the image of warfare for the 21st century.  Women, whether we want to or not, will be a great part of the landscape for any war from here on out. 

First, the front lines.  There are no front lines.  There are areas more at risk than others, but as I pointed out, even our own borders are no longer a guarantee of security.  It's no longer spies that we have to worry about, but sleeper agents that their whole mission is to destroy something in the home front taking as many civilians as possible with them.  It's frightening if we really think about it.  Fortunately, women are no longer the meek, little meager things that have to have a man to protect them.  Our grandmothers, great grandmothers for some, proved American women had the mustard.  They became welders, made bombs, put together jeeps, tanks, ships, became spies and other things of a nasty nature.  We think of all this now as common place.  So what if a girl wants to weld.  My Grams was a school teacher before WW2.  She was a welder in the jeep plant during the Second Great War as her generation, the Silent Generation, referred to it.  No one even thought women could weld.  Seriously.  But with over 85% of the men gone, volunteered--back in a day and age where all the men wanted to go to war, who was going to put together the weapons needed to win?  Now, less than 2% of the entire American population, both male and female, volunteer.  It was considered shameful in their generation to not volunteer to "do their duty" and men that didn't volunteer were ostracized, cast out, and looked down upon as cowards.  But that was a different world then.  Now, hardly anyone wants to volunteer because they might be killed.  The young men and women that volunteer to serve in our armed forces do so with the complete knowledge that they might die.   The American men between 14 and 40 volunteered at 85% after Pearl Harbor.  That was in excess of 60% of the population at the time.  After 9/11, 2% of the American populace--both male and female--volunteered.   Figure that almost a third of that 2% were female.  The reality is that women are not only going to combat roles; they're needed since most of our young men don't have the metal to volunteer in the first place.  That's a harsh statement indeed, but true.  Those young women have more metal than the male "pussy" that refused to serve in the first place.

Women can't meet the physical requirements.  Fact, whether male service members current and former want to admit it or not, the physical requirements are unequal period.  Women have had to do 4 times the sit ups as male counterparts.  The two lame brain excuses we were given were that men didn't have as much abdomen muscle tissue and because the lack of muscle tissue would open them up to the risk of hernias.  Not sure if it's true, don't really care if it was some corpsmen that made it up or the Navy or the Pentagon.  It's crap.  Fact is that by the time we get out of boot camp we've been conditioned to do what they need us to do.  There were guys just like us girls that couldn't do a single push up when they got to boot camp.  We all could do them by the time we were done.  Is it a fact that men have more upper body strength?  Yes.  It is a fact that women have more lower leg and abdominal strength.  It is also a fact that women have the better center of gravity than men.  By nature we are more physically balanced--strange but true.  With proper training and dedication, anyone can be taught to fight and win.  While there are physical differences, training is everything.  The fact that the military has let women have a little bit softer training on the pull ups doesn't change that women's bodies can be conditioned to perform.  The fact that the military hasn't moved to change those requirements doesn't say anything about the women, but the military itself.  It's still a man's world and there are a lot of men out there that like to think of women as weak, smaller, less.  Maybe, but consider women multi-task better than their male counterparts, and have more patience in general.  Why?  Societal grooming?  Probably.  The men are taught these two talents in the military, but women have it by "nature".  Why in the world would we limit women simply because one seems easier to teach than the other?  Physical conditioning is easier to "teach" than multi-tasking.  Ask any man that has been on the phone while his kids are bugging him. 

"The men will go brain dead as soon a pussy walks by."  This was a quote from the thread from a woman who never served, who's sister and father served, but she herself has never.  We won't know if her sister's opinion is the same, but as someone that served, this is bullshit.  Statements like this do a great disservice to the men that serve our country.  Are there some that are neanderthals and morons that would go brain dead as soon as a girl walks by?  Sure.  The military is comprised of a piece of the American populace afterall.  But trained, under stress, with a mission objective?  No, bullshit, those young men are more than capable of staying focused on their mission and objectives.  Are there going to be young men attracted to some of the young women?  Yes, they're human, aren't they?  From experience and observation, the mission will still get done.  Are there some women that will abuse the system?  Yes, but they'll get weeded out just as much as the men that go brain dead everytime "pussy" walks by.  The Navy is fully integrated now with the exception of the Navy Seals, including the submariner community.  The reality is that percentage wise, the cheating, the whoring around, the fears are more than in the civilian community, but as most military and former military will probably agree, it is usually the civilian spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends that leave the military members in the lurch.  The stories of men and women serving coming home to a cheating significant other are far greater than the other way around.  Statements accusing men of being incapable of doing their jobs because of a woman walking by are ridiculous.  Statements accusing trained military men under orders of being incapable because there's women is even more ridiculous.  Life and death situations throw that all out the window.  Mission will take presidence.  And maybe that's what people are really upset about.  Women on the homefront will be as much at risk.  Who's going to carry out the "missions" at home?  Good news America!  There's veterans, male and female, to guard and take care of them, along with the real "pussies".

My Grams used to tell me I could do anything a boy could do.  My Grandfather and Daddy would encourage me to do whatever the boys did.  I played football, could throw a perfect spiral almost 40 yards when I was 10, I climbed trees and I played cowboys and indians and "war".  My Grams would dress me up as a lady and I learned to curtsy, which fork was which, and how to walk with high heels on, perfectly erect, with a 20 pound dictionary on my head.  My dearest friend is a guy I've known almost 40 years, because we played football, we goofed off, and to this day, I'm someone that he would expect his wife to be able to count on if anything ever happened to him.  So, I'll admit I have a very unique perspective on life.  I've always considered myself equal to men.  Not better, not less--equal.  I've beaten the crap out of a grunt Marine that hit me in the back of the head with a beer bottle and I've bounced a 300 pound redneck out of a bar, also after knocking the living crap out of him.  I also was a little sorority girl for a while and even President of the sorority for a two terms.  I'm the oxymoron that most people think doesn't exist.  I raised my boys to believe a girl can do anything a boy can and to be able to be supportive of her whether she wants to be a housewife or an astronaut.  Likewise, I've hopefully taught them to look for women that will be supportive of them whether they want to be rocket scientists or house hubbies.  Our society holds us back, we hold each other back and we make feeble ass excuses that don't stand up to scrutiny why others, male or female, can't do something.  Protecting our country, our freedoms, and dying in defense of us or others isn't just a man's thing.  It's a soldier's, a sailor's, an airman's and a Marine's dream and life.  There should be no reason that any of our military members should be barred from living that dream and life, providing the blanket of freedom, in whichever MOS they are qualified and capable of.  It's a low ASVAB number to be most grunt, infantry jobs; the trade off is often the physical requirements of those jobs.  If women are capable, then we need them to step up to the plate.  Not just because only 2% of the kids are joining (although it's good sound reasoning), but because we as a society need to start truly understanding what equal is and practice what we preach.  We go into these countries tooting off equality and freedom for all.  Time we start leading by example. 

Don't do something stupid because you got scared....

"What was I thinking?"  Come on now, admit it, we've all been there.  Recently, I experienced a break-up...if you keep up with my blogs, you already know this.  If you're one of my Facebook friends or followers, you probably know that we got back together this past weekend.  We finally talked Sunday after two months of us both refusing to call one another and sat down and figured out what we each really wanted.  It's kind of ironic when you consider that Sunday was the one year anniversary of our first date.  I didn't realize it until he updated our status back into a relationship to state June 1st.  I went back to last year's calendar and figured out the actual dates.  Not that the actual dates are a big deal for me, but just the irony made it stick out to me.  Of course, this isn't really about the irony, but the fact that we broke up in the first place. 

Let's face it a LOT of relationship advice columnists make it sound like it's supposed to be all fabulous, all the time, magic, magic, magic.  I don't like those idiots.  I've observed for years many of my friends that are happily married.  It's not all friggin' sugar and spice.  So yes, I'm confident in calling most relationship columnists, especially internet and chick mag ones, morons.   My son is the one that woke me up (previous blog) that I should definately not be taking advice from idiots.  I kept telling myself if Chris wasn't going to call me then it was over.  I mean if you can't talk to someone, share what's going on, and work through it together, from experience and observation, it's time to throw in the towel and give up.   I'll be quite honest, not like I haven't said it in a blog before, I'm not really one to put up with any crap and I'm not going to stick around for it.  Advice columnists love someone like me.  I'm proof of their theories that it's supposed to be some fairy tale ending.  Soulmates are never supposed to argue, disagree, etc. and they follow each other around like puppy dogs.  Romeo and Juliet type stuff.  Well, Romeo and Juliet killed themselves.  That's not love or romance--that's therapy stuff right there.  Possibly even rubber room stuff, or given the time frame when the play was written, serious mental defects from too much inbreeding.  It's not a love story; it's a tragedy.  Likewise, taking advice from someone that really doesn't know your situation is as bad as potluck dinners where the only thing anyone brought was vegetable trays.  They really don't know you or your significant other so their advice is missing the meat and potatoes. 

With the way things were going though, I was more confused than I had ever been.  What had sparked our break-up?  Well, yes, I felt like he was pushing me away, but I wasn't sure I hadn't been doing the same.  Maybe it had contributed, but honestly, when my friends asked why from my needs and wants the only thing I could come up with was a motorcycle.  Not mine.  His.  He kept saying he wanted one, but I wasn't sure if it was because of me or because of his own desire for one.  I know he had talked about getting one before we met, but I was grossly concerned that he was going to change for me.  It's always a bad idea to change for someone else.  First of all, I didn't like the idea of him changing for me.  I like Chris for who he is and have no desire whatsoever to change him into someone else.  It frankly scared me.  If someone changes for me, and I've had guys do this in the past, it usually becomes a state of contention later.  Chris kept the idea of a motorcycle in spite of our break-up and even fell in love with a particular Harley model.  Not sure about his choice from the on the back point of view (friggin' V-Rod), but it's his bike and as already stated, I'm not trying to change anything.  I have my own and I'm perfectly content riding my own.  In my concern, added with some poor timing of events for both of us, I had expressed fears and frustration to him that sparked his own fears and frustration.  We had been very happy and I think we were both waiting for the ball to drop.  Our break-up was created by our own fears.  My advice to my son had been not to let your fears of what happened in the past or in mine or his dad's or anyone else's relationships be the determining factor in his.  Yet, when it came right down to it, that's what I did.  

What caused the break-up for him?  Well, I can't really tell you that, not because I don't know, but because it's not my place to share his thoughts.  Chris was what I had always "wanted". I never made a list or itemized the things that I wanted. I just knew there were certain things that I wouldn't tolerate and certain things that were requirements. For example, I'm a very deep thinker, understand a lot of concepts, enjoy a good debate and love to experience new things. Amazingly, finding all of these qualities in another person is pretty difficult. My best female friend (because Chris really is my best friend) and I share the first three. To some degree she likes new things, but not even close to the level that I do. The things that I didn't want--abusive, cruel, mean, cheater....these words are not Chris.  I could dwell on his mistakes, my mistakes, everything that went wrong.  It's also not really my style.  What I do know is that an honest relationship is what we had, we had some life events that caused a rupture, and we managed to recover. 

I'm thinking that's an important lesson.  Somehow.  I've broken up with someone before and then got back together.  When we got back together, there was a deep insincerity, something phony about it.  Really couldn't explain it better than that.  In this case, both of us want this, both of us realize and have talked about what went wrong, how we handled it, and why it blew up.  We also talked about why it took so long to fix and what hurdles and how those hurdles were created.  Chris told me next time he does something stupid like this to "punch" him in the mouth.  I told him no but that I am going to say "WTF?"  I'm not expecting that there won't be a next time, but I am expecting that we will work through it together and without the possibility of losing our best friends.   My advice, for what it's worth to others looking, giving up, whatever, when it's the "right" relationship it's not going to have to be forced, but it's going to have to work for both people.  Most important, communication and honesty.  I never based any relationship on lies or manipulation or deceit.  I've known people that have--in fact, a couple of the relationships I've been in have been based on deceit by the other person.   If a relationship starts with deceit, it ends with that deceit.  Chris and I started as two honest people looking for the right relationship.  We found it, we found out it's worth fighting for (so to speak), and that once your best friend is your lover too you don't throw it away because you got scared. 

rebounds...you'll have to live with yourself eventually

I've never really thought about rebound relationships.  The only one that I ever had, ones that I ever had, were after my divorce..ok, technically during my divorce.  There were techically 3 all in the course of the one divorce.  One, I kinda miss to this day.  Two, I'm still friends with sort of and would marry me yesterday if I were willing and the third was a manipulative jerk who got exactly what he wanted and left me reeling worse than the divorce did.  Not because I loved him, but because he destroyed everything in his wake.  He wasn't a good person and I got manipulated into one of the most vengeful things I've ever seen, let alone conceived of.  I suppose that's my own fault in a way.  Most of my closest friends give me a pass though for it even though I don't because I was suffering from post pardom depression, the end of a marriage, catching my ex quite literally cheating on me while I was pregnant...I was a mess.  But recent events started me thinking about how devastating a rebound can be. 

The first was a Naval officer, pilot, and still one of the most amazing men I've ever known.  I kick myself sometimes because as wonderful as he is it wasn't meant to be.  He wasn't the typical officer--I mean yes, handsome, gentleman, etc.  But, he was a mustang--for the non-military types former enlisted gone officer.   Amazing man--smart, successful, charming, intelligent, fun, a great cook....There wasn't anything wrong with him. Except for the drunk chick who would call at all hours of the day and night from Hawaii. 

The second was my first, and LAST, attempt at "friends with benefits".  Three months in and he begged me to marry him, at his birthday party, and I was mortified.  He was the most caring, sweet, smart and genuine man I have ever met.  Coupled with a super severe case of alcoholism the world has ever seen.  Amazing guy.  Could do calculus in his head.  Could carry on a conversation about anything with anyone.  Had just one of the most amazing personalities anyone could ask for and just sheer fun.  Treated me like a princess.  But was pass out level drunk every day by 5 pm.  Seriously.

The third.  Well, I ended up with him for years.  He manipulated me, according to friends now and at the time, and made my life a living hell.  Something you might want to tell your half Asian girlfriend--your family is Klan and she's not going to exactly fit in--especially before you convince her to move to where you're from.  The man was a nightmare.  Initially he was great.  All liars are.  He was "everything" I needed.  He read me like a book.  And then he put me in a position to get the vengence he so craved.  My ex-husband had an affair with his ex-wife.  He had mutual friends introduce us.  I was "oblivious" at the time that he had orchastrated the whole thing, but in all honesty, I was stupid blind because I just wanted the hurt to go away.  Worse yet, I wasn't even acknowledging the hurt.  It opened the door for him to tell me anything and for it to be true.  Blind faith can be great, but not in a rebound relationship.  It opened the door to a lot of pain down the road.  It dragged out my feelings for ex.  Not because I still loved him, but because I didn't deal with them when I should have.  This "friend" who became my rebound manipulated the living shit out of me.  He put me in positions that I should've said no to but he also made me think they were good ideas at the time.  I remember the first time I thought I was in the wrong relationship clear as a bell.  He insisted we go to a pool party that friends of my ex's and mine were having.  I didn't want to go, at all.  It wasn't because of my ex.  It wasn't because of anything really.  I just didn't want to deal with the drama.  And my ex, his ex, an exhaustive number of my ex's friends, my friends, our mutual friends...that didn't matter to him.  His focus was always to be in my ex's face, in his ex's face, and I was his way there since he and her had no children.  I was too stupid to realize it.  He really prolonged the agony of my divorce by constantly manipulating me into situations and arguments that I had preferred to walk away from.  I eventually, a couple years eventually, realized what was going on.  But like I do with any ex-boyfriend, I stayed friends with him (eventually) and moved on....

End of story?  No, eventually his prejudice jackass of a father kicked the bucket, and guess who calls me crying?  Of course, he did.  This is me we're talking about here--friggin crazy train magnet.  He was the executor of his father's will.  His father had a "secret" storage locker at one of those storage places you see all over the place.  I guess it was like a 12 feet by 8 feet.  Good size.  In it, riches?  Pictures of his kids?  Memoirs of years gone by?  Well, yes, technically, memoirs of years gone by...Boxes up to the ceiling, lined up nice and neat, filed in some fashion, along the walls and in the center with a pathway, people's names on each one.  His father had meticulously kept records of everyone in his professional career that he had screwed over, all of his lies, manipulations, deceit, boxed and cataloged for periodic review--like a serial killer, only of people's professional careers.  A God damn, fucking lunatic keeping all the heinous deeds of his life like trophies.   As I sat and listened, pretty much shocked, I finally put my arms around what a horrible person this guy was and why.  His father had literally been one of the most vindictive human beings and the most vindictive I have personally ever known.  Sheer ugly.  On the phone crying was the second most vindictive horrible person I had ever known and I was listening, trying to sympathize, and coming up grossly short.  I couldn't understand how anyone would intentionally do anything of the sort.  But in that moment, I realized what his son, this man crying, had done to me.  I sat there listening, infuriated, but quietly taking it all in.  I had let this man into my life, I had done so on the rebound, and although a sight better than his father, a chip off the old block.

I've never had a rebound relationship since.  I'll go months sometimes just clearing my head.  I didn't date for years after breaking up with a marine.  I was devastated over the whole thing and just couldn't get my mind around dating anyone else and was completely unwilling to repeat the previous mistake.  Rebounding into anyone is a potluck, and genuinely the one that you attach to is probably going to be the worst of the worst.  The liars are the ones that benefit from those of us that rebound relationships.  They leave a wake behind them that not only muddys the water but  often puts us in positions that we can never "recover" from.  They're the nightmare that we don't even realize that we're in until it's too late.  One of the nicest people I've ever known has been committing some of the ugliest things I've ever seen while in a rebound relationship.  The only thing I can say is that rebound or not the rebound isn't going to give a shit that you have to live with yourself later.  Sooner or later, the lies someone told you that you bought hook line and sinker that lead you down the brazen path are going to be the actions that you'll have to reconcile with later....

Facebook..friends?

Yes, I know we almost all Facebook anymore.  Afterall, when's the last time anyone asked you if you're on MySpace?  If memory serves me, I have about 260 Facebook friends, give or take a few.  Of them, some are family, best friends, close friends, real friends.  Some are acquaintances--people who I like to think could be friends someday.  I clean out my friends list periodically.  I'm not looking to be the politically correct person vying for as many friends as possible, nor am I playing any of those games that the more friends that I have playing the more points I accumulate.  (Hint:  Stop sending me game requests. So, back on point.)  I use Facebook as a way to keep up with my friends.  I like to read what my friends have on their minds, see the pictures of their kids or grandkids, read a good laugh that they saw on someone else's page.  It's made it easier than having a phone call with them describing events and having to draw the picture of events in my mind.  I may not talk to my friend in Hong Kong in years, but every once in a while, but I see his Ironman contest pictures, his vacation pics, and every so often have to comment.  I get to see my friend's granddaughter getting bigger--no more of this going to SC and saying "wow! look how big she's gotten" because I only remember her as a tiny little thing.  I can see how happy my brother and his girlfriend are and share in that happiness, even though we only talk a couple times a year.  I can see my niece dancing around in a chair on her patio because she's discovered that different leans in the chair make different musical notes.  Regardless, Facebook let's me keep up  with family and friends that are scattered across the country and some around the world.  The social mediums, mainly FB, are a way to remain in touch with people that only an hundred years ago the only way of continuous contact were letters that took weeks, sometimes months, to reach their intended recipient.  The world has become more connected and in most ways that is wonderful.

It's also a place where people feel that they can be forgiven for all their transgressions.  I've cut people off my Facebook just because they act like complete *ssholes online.  The fact they're behind a computer seems to make it somehow ok to treat others disrespectfully.  I've even changed my settings because of a couple of them that shared mutual friends and finally blocked them also.  Just because I allow friends of friends to comment, like and post doesn't mean that after I've removed someone that he should be posting anymore to my page.  Especially when I've asked them repeated via email, messenger and/or in person to behave on my social media page.  Yet, some people think that is appropriate behavior.  One was always the nicest guy in person even (I've blogged about him before), but online one of the biggest pr*cks I have ever met--in person or otherwise.  Too shame, as my grandmother would have put it.  Too shame. 

So, imagine my surprise this morning upon receiving a friend request from someone who has threatened me, accused me of heinous things, perpetuated what they personally knew to be lies about me and all because of a group that were doing things that they shouldn't have been doing.  I'm serious.  Yes, I did consider him a friend, about 3 years ago.  I do worry about his health (he has serious health issues) because I'm human and because I did consider him a friend before.  But, just because I'm polite in person, cordial and express concern over his health doesn't rewind the clock and make us friends.  In person, it seems clear.  It's polite conversation.  Online, now that he's getting involved in the social media, we should be "friends".  I see no reason to be friends online with someone that blatantly stabbed me in the back, perpetuated lies about me and even threatened me himself.  Seriously.  What in the hell would possess anyone to think all is good he/she is now on Facebook? 

I know one excuse might be because he wants all to be "forgiven".  Well, yes, it is all forgiven in spite of the fact that many of the lies he engaged in are still perpetuating themselves.  The truth is what it is no matter what, so the concept of forgiving someone is more about me than it is them.  An acquaintance told me "there are always two sides to any story and then the truth is somewhere in between".  I've thought about that statement a lot too, especially in regards to this person.  I thought of him as a brother.  I never would've imagined him threatening me, drunken stupor or otherwise, and least of all, participating in a lynch mob mentality against someone who never spoke an ill word of him.  But that is who he is or chooses to be.  I cannot change that; I can only decide if I find it acceptable to have in my life.  The truth isn't really somewhere in the middle, as the words "in between" would lead one to believe.  The truth is that where a group of bullies are concerned, there's only the little guy and the ring leader.  The Nazis were a group of 17% of the German population, yet 80% of the German population willingly took the belongings and homes of "wealthy" Jews because it benefited them.  Amazing how the truth is that people can become very ugly when it benefits them, regardless of right or wrong.  This former friend, well, I don't care how it benefited him.  I'm only considering that I have forgiven and don't really care beyond that.

My Grams used to say, "fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  While I'll be polite, have a pleasant informal conversation, and even give a friendly wave in passing by, it doesn't change that I don't trust him, wouldn't begin to, and certainly don't owe him anything.  I see no reason to engage his social media friendship either.  I know some people really dream of being something in the group or in the parent organization of that group.  The bullies to me are not worth it.  I could care less about some pissant title or credit, and least of all, at the expense of others.  Yes, I suppose if I did care about that, then absolutely, I should accept his friend request.  But what I care about is that he bullied me, lied about me and to me, and doesn't even have the first bit of self respect to formulate an apology.  Yes, maybe his request is that olive branch apology.  In which case, he really needs to look in the mirror.  An apology is heartfelt and genuine and not as easy as pushing a button on a mouse.  I see no reason to let this person have anymore access to my life than I do any other random stranger...there's no reason to add him or any of the people that were involved to my Facebook friends.  I don't play Candy Crush or Farmville, so I only need people worthy or acquaintances that haven't already proven themselves unworthy.  Thanks for the request, olive branch or otherwise, but no thanks. 

A true story of a liar's arrogance versus an honest person's conviction with a moral...

Most people know the name Thomas Edison.  Thomas Edison invented the light bulb.  Well, no, not really.  Thomas Edison invented the filament.  The bulb itself was an accident.  Edison had worked on various designs for the shape to go around the filament that would not break from the heat the element produced.   None of the shapes Edison sent for the glass blower to make worked.  The glass blower had brought over a mistake.  Edison, as the story goes, was actually furious, but the glass blower left everything that he brought.  After breaking all of the latest design attempts, Edison in a last ditch effort tried the "mistake".  Voila!  The light bulb.  Not his design, not even one of several, a mistake made by a glass blower.  (Incidently, Henrich Goebel is according to the scientific community the one that is actually credited with the light bulb invention a year prior to Edison's "claim" to it.)  Thomas Edison claimed to create the movie camera, the telephone, the phonograph (record player, for those of you young enough to remember that one), cameras, DC and AC motors...his false claims ruminate like a stripper claiming to be a college student.  In fact, Edison's only 100% his own invention was a worthless suction device.  He couldn't even turn it into something useful like a vaccum.  The only thing that Edison created that anyone, well any major corporation bigwigs anyway, would appreciate was the "Intellectual Property Contract".  Edison created this flimsy little piece of paper when he found Nikola Tesla.  What it did was ceded all patents under any engineer's name while under employment contract to the company he/she works for.  That's the only thing that Edison ever created that was actually his own brain child. 

Why was this so important?  Tesla's patents built the Edison Electric Company.  Most of the inventions that made Edison rich were in fact Tesla's.  The DC motor, AC motor, AC and DC generators, you name the patent in the late 1800s, many of them were Nikola Tesla's brainchildren.  He was a genius, pure and simple.  Edison harnessed and caged Tesla's intellect to make himself rich.  Edison was a sweet talker, smooth at portraying himself as a "nice" person and playing coy.  Many would describe him a non-intrusive, humble, coy.  Of course he was.  He never actually invented anything worth a damn.  Hard not to not seem humble when he would look down at the floor, not really knowing what he was talking about, and seemingly brushing aside the conversation.  Yes, an on-looker might called that humble.  He was an asshole, a wolf in sheep's clothing, a liar and what most took as coy and humble was in fact sheerly him covering up that he really didn't understand most of the electrical things beyond the concept of a filament.  Nikola Tesla was a stark contrast.  A bit of a drunkard (I suspect anyone would be if they were making peanuts while their asinine boss got rich off their patents and claimed the credit for himself), described as overly honest, a bit abrupt, short with people that didn't know what they were talking about, and a whore monger, at least that was the rumors about him.  Irony is that most of those rumors were not necessarily true, but circulated by Edison in order to keep Tesla from being able to leave Edison's employ.  But Edison didn't just circulate lies about Tesla.  Edison was called out by George Westinghouse.  Westinghouse had lost contracts to Edison based on lies about Westinghouse and his company and employees.  Westinghouse traced them back to Edison and the rivalry was legendary. 

Edison was vying for the contract to power New York City.  He was going to prove that it could be done--with DC power.  Tesla still under his employ had come up with a spectacular idea.  Edison argued with Tesla over using DC versus AC power.  Now, keep in mind, Tesla is the father, the genius that created both AC and DC motors and generators.  No one on the planet knew more than Tesla about creating electricity at this time.  Tesla argued that his plans and design showed that only AC power would allow electricity to be brought efficiently to the masses.  Edison had begun to believe his own lies about Tesla.  Tesla was arrogant, rude, ineffective.  Edison had begun to believe he was actually his own genius and Tesla was a nobody.  Sure the patents were in Tesla's name, but who funded him?  In fact, he had oversaw and made suggestions.  The ideas were just as much his as Tesla's.  In fact, Edison had reached a point where he argued to Tesla that he in fact had been the thinker and Tesla had just brought Edison's ideas to fruition.  Tesla was infuriated; Edison terminated Tesla releasing him from his contract.  The plans at that point, technically, belonged to Edison and his company.  However, in that moment, Tesla had a moment of clarity and asked for Edison to release the spectacular, monumentous idea and its designs.  Edison in his arrogance, scrawled on paper to release the concepts.  The other employees described Tesla as extremely angry while Edison as usual seemed to be "calm".  Again, to the on-lookers, Tesla looked difficult.  Yet, Tesla left quietly with his hand written release and the plans and conceptual work that he had already worked on.  Many described it as the most "humble" they had ever seen Tesla. 

Tesla went to George Westinghouse.  Westinghouse was dying to get one over on Thomas Edison.  He knew Edison had lied about him, his company, his employees.  Westinghouse also knew that most of the Edison Electric Company's patents were in Nikola Tesla's name.  Tesla at this point was a pauper.  Hundreds of money making patents in his name and yet Tesla had nothing to show for it.  Westinghouse in contrast had a similar contract to Edison's.  It had become industry standard, and unfortunately to this day, is a corporation standard.  Westinghouse offered him $2.50 per kilowatt upon fruition and all the backing he needed for the monumentous undertaking.  Westinghouse wanted Edison's goat; Tesla wanted everyone to have electricity.  His ultimate goal was free power, free electricity, to all of us--similar to free radio waves.  The concept is very sound.  But I digress.  Edison proceded with his demonstration in NYC and powered 9 blocks with DC power.  It wasn't stable, and the number of generators, amount of coal required, and manpower, meant electrical power would be only for the very rich.  This didn't bother Edison one bit.  He had plenty of money.  That was 1879.   It took another 4 years for Tesla to finalize his plans, and with funding from Westinghouse, the Niagara Falls Power Company broke ground for the first power plant designed to convert water energy into electricity.  In 1895, while Edison was still keeping electricity for the rich in their homes and pretty light displays for the poor to go see, Niagara Falls Power Station had its opening ceremony.  Within 5 short years, the concept of DC power for mass electrical distribution was over.   Westinghouse became a powerhouse as it created household equipment for our homes, circuit breakers and convertors to use DC or AC power.  To this day, the Niagara Falls Power Station powers the majority of the eastern seaboard from the northern rim of Quebec to Washington DC. 

Edison had drawn a picture of Tesla as an arrogant, outrageous, horrible person, a womanizer and drunkard so full of himself that he couldn't see beyond the drawings of inanimate objects and creations that floated in his mind.  The truth was that Edison was greedy beyond measure and his humbleness was only because of his layers upon layers of lies.  Tesla was handsome and Edison was, well, everyone knows what he looks like.  He wasn't winning any bachelor bidding wars ever.  Tesla wanted free electricity for all.  Edison wanted electricity to remain an "exclusive" club.  Tesla's concepts included things that we are only seeing coming to fruition now.  His genius was immeasurable and he wanted to help all.  While he was direct and honest, he was actually the humble man--even letting Westinghouse out of his $2.50 per kilowatt contract when Westinghouse almost went broke.  Edison was the arrogant, lying prick and yet for over an hundred years we taught kids in school that he created all these great things.  He tooted himself off as the great inventor and to ensure his own legacy of lies tarnished the truly greatest engineer and scientist of the age.  The scientific community knows this:  There's a power unit called a Tesla.  There's nothing named after Edison.

Next time someone tells you that someone is arrogant, full of him/herself, not humble, needs to modify their delivery of the truth.  Think about why.  Why would the truth ever need to be "modified"?  Either its the truth or its not.  If it is, well, for some people there's no right way to tell the truth, because they are the biggest liars of all. 

Nikola Tesla, age 38, the year before Niagara Falls Power Station opened

1.  Tesla invented the radio.  While most of us believe Marconi invented it, in 1943, the Supreme Court rendered Marconi's patents invalid because of Tesla's designs that were years earlier. 

2.  Tesla hypothesized in mass wireless communications--realized in the 1980s with the first cellular phone and now almost half the population no longer maintains a "landline". 

3.  JP Morgan pulled his financing of a power tower designed by Tesla when Morgan realized that the power tower would ultimately mean free electricity for all.

4.  Tesla is actually the father of x-rays.  The concepts all detailed in his writings and various patents.  If Tesla had lived long enough, eventually the Supreme Court would have had to render several patents of other "inventors" invalid as they did with Marconi.

5.  At one point Edison promised Tesla a bonus worth over $100K in today's money if Tesla could figure out problems with the DC system that Edison was working.  Edison refused to pay.  Maybe the real reason Tesla was so pissed that day he was "terminated".  Maybe he told Edison to shove it up his *ss.  (Refer to story above.)

6.  The Tesla Coil was part of Tesla's efforts to try and produce and distribute electrical power through the airwaves to the masses for free. 

7.  While Edison is credited with over 1000 patents, more than half were invalidated or were in contest at the death of the true inventors because he had stolen them.  It is suspected that almost all were probably stolen since in the late 1800s there wasn't a mass media distribution of all discoveries. 

8.  Tesla created the electrical logic gate.  The birth patent for what eventually would develop into electric calculators, computers, and every piece of electric smart equipment that you use, not to mention manufacturing PLCs and control systems. 

9.  Tesla worked on radio controlled guidance systems for torpedos.  His concepts evolved into everything we control remotely from remote controlled toy cars to weapons guidance systems to drone aircraft. 

10.  Tesla's concepts and principles eventually created radar and the electric submarine.

11.  Tesla created the AC/DC converter.  (well, duh)

12.  Tesla created the incandescent lamp.  (Invalidating one of Edison's patents later--again, liar.)

13.  Tesla's the father of the electric generator.  Several of his patents for generating power are technically still in use today because his designs were smart and cost effective. 

14.  Remember that whole "hole" in the ozone thing?  Tesla patented an apparatus to create ozone in 1896.

15.  Tesla created the electical transformer.  Really.  You weren't expecting any less at this point, were you?

16.  Patented improvements to Faraday's electrical insulators and methods of making electrical insulations.  Come on the father of mass electricity distribution had to want everyone to be safe around it. 

17.  In 1914, he patented the water fountain.  All those fountains with the lights and the water squirting sequences.  Of course, eventually even evolving to the ones you can catch a quick drink from.  Thanks Nikola.

18.  The speedometer, the flow meter and frequency meter...yes, Tesla. 

19.  Tesla hypothesized the concept of a "death ray".  We now know these things as lasers...

20.  Science fiction has used Tesla's concepts in many movies and televisions shows:  The Tesla Flying Machine became flying saucers and force fields (and of course lasers before scientists actually made them for real).

Never abandon the one you love to the wolves

So my youngest and I had a relationship talk today.  His girlfriend and he have been dating for almost 2 years.  It's high school, but often he chooses to ask my opinion.  Today it was about a conversation they had.  Some days he loves her more than he thinks she loves him and some days she loves him more than he thinks he loves her.  Some days he needs alone time and some days she needs alone time.  These days don't always seem to coincide.  Shocking, I know.  I think he thinks that his relationship is somehow supposed to mimic one of mine.  I explain to him that is simply ridiculous.  Life is full of choices.  We decide how things go, no one else.  Only ignorant people repeat their mistakes, or their parents mistakes.  My ex-husband married his mother--me.  His mother and I were like two peas in a pod.  His father, well, my ex didn't want to be like him for a myraid of reasons--not my place to share--but regardless, my ex in our relationship became what from observation I assume was his father and my role became similar to his mother's role.  Our mistakes, anyone's parents' mistakes should not define the mistakes we make.  Just because our parents couldn't make a relationship work, doesn't mean we can't.  But still as the conversation progressed we covered some interesting ground. 

For one, every day with someone is not going to be all sunny, rosey and awesome.  That ends after the first six months.  There are always ups and downs, and the days you feel up are definately not always the same days that your partner feels up.  Life is not that simple.  It is those days that define not just your relationship, but you.  It's those days that many people choose to cheat, wander, abandon the one that they supposedly love, because life got a little tough on them.  It's much easier for many people to stand by someone that they don't love than it is for them to stand by someone that they do.  It's one of those things.  I could never understand why I've had a couple of boyfriends dump me, go out with someone fat, ugly, less desirable, dumb as a box of rocks, or flat out whores--what would someone who onlookers think you've screwed the pooch have to offer over someone smart-ish, pretty by some people standards, honest, loyal, and faithful?  Ego feed?  Making the guy feel better about himself?  She won't cheat on me?  I don't know.  I've never figured it out really.  But I told Morg that those moments sometimes have been blamed on the whore, the fat ugly woman who made them feel better about themselves while I was at a low moment.  Seriously.  This is an excuse I've been given.  I told Morg these are the moments that define you.  Those moments where your girlfriend, wife, whatever needs you and regardless of where you are at, you are there to hold them through it, to give them space as they need it, and to support them through it in spite of the fact that you really don't understand the low, they aren't talking about it, or they're just in a spot.  People that are happily married, from observation only obviously, don't abandon the other person because of a low spot or moment.  Those low spots or moments define who you are as a person and as a partner. 

Morg told me he loves his girlfriend more than life itself some days, some days not so much, and some days he could care less about seeing her.  I read an advice on relationships list the other day, even posted it to Facebook, but in light of this, I really had to think about my response to my son.  The advice was that you always want to see that person, be with them, always, basically.  It seemed reasonable as I read it based on my current situation, but then with my son looking at me for advice, I realized how absolutely ridiculous that advice is.  Everyone needs their own time and space.  Sometimes more, sometimes less.  Wanting to see someone all  the time, be with them all time, having that oozing from every single pore is only the first six months, maximum.  Sex can cloud this, for both men and women, but sooner or later that 'gotta be up the person's ass breathing for them' wears thin.  Afterwards, it comes down to a smile, a look, holding hands, passing glances, little things that remind you why you're there on those days that you really are overwhelmed by other things and really don't want to deal with anyone, including them.  The one thing that will come back to bite you in your ass is assuming the day that you could care less about them is the day that matters.  A couple days later they are your everything, and if you screwed it up, it's going to be a rough day.  A new relationship might help, which is what most high school kids do, but even at 40, we all look back and only remember that one boyfriend or girlfriend that actually meant anything.  It's the same as adults.  I know so many people that kick themselves, male and female, because they screwed up what could've been the one.  My advice to him was simple, don't let that one day or several days cause you to do something stupid.  When I was a teenager, I was often told "I love you, but I don't like you right now."  Don't let those moments where you're not happy with someone make you misjudge whether or not you love them or not. 

Some people, especially in high school, like to interject their own venom.  I told him if someone wants to date you then their advice is worthless.  They have a vested interest in ruining what you have.  They, no matter what they say about how they are attempting to help you think it out, are not.  People that are helping you think it out are staying out of it.  If you end up hooked up with them, eventually you will distain them, because you will realize what you lost.  They really aren't doing themselves any favors either.  A lot of people that claim someone used them are the ones that manipulated a situation to their own ends.  Even if they manage to keep the person, again from observation, they will tolerate a lot of emotional abuse at the hands of the prize they won.  I know one woman who's husband cheats on her with any woman he comes across that looks like his ex-wife.  A dozen or so over years.  She likes to tell everyone that they have a great marriage.  She manipulated her way there, ended his marriage by harassing his ex-wife, and then eventually told everyone it's the all time love story.  Sure it is.  From people on the outside looking in, they barely talk, most people describe her as pathetic or crazy, and everyone, and I mean everyone, knows about most if not all of his affairs with the lookalikes.    Only a crazy person would interject themselves in your relationship that wants to date you.  Crazier than a coked up stripper.  I explained to him in high school is where you should learn to recognize this and avoid it in the future.  Toxic people want what they perceive someone "better than them" (in their minds not the mind of the person they believe is better than them) has.  They want what they see in someone else's life and they will go to no lengths to have it.  And, they always seem from inside the bubble like they have your best interests at heart.  People that truly have your best interests at heart, especially if they are "interested" in you, will avoid injecting themselves into what looks to everyone else as a rebound.  Toxic, venomous people pray on people that don't recognize them and they often have the innocent act down pat. 

Don't assume that your parents, grandparents, whoever you are closest to is how your relationships are going to work.  Just because I haven't had a stable long term relationship in years doesn't mean he can't.  I know plenty of people that were from broken, unstable homes that are happily married.  It's about the two individuals in the relationship, how they treat each other and how they treat themselves that defines how any relationship works.  Every relationship is different, because there are always two different people involved.  Until recently, I've never dated anyone like my father, although I am acutely aware that I am a lot like my mother was.  However, even the relationship I had with someone similar to my father was nothing like the relationship my parents had.  We are regardless of similarities very distinctly different at the same time.  Two different people.  Just because your parents divorced, her parents divorced, I explained, has absolutely nothing to do with whether your relationship, long term, high school only, et cetera, lasts or doesn't last.  Only two people can make that determination, and you're half of that equation.  Me, his father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, no one but you and the other half have any say in what happens.  Hell, ex-husbands, ex-wives, ex-anything, for that matter.  It's your decision and/or theirs and that's it.  It's sheer cowardice to blame past relationships, yours or anyone else's.

Finally, I told him women are different than men.  (Like even a complete wackadoo couldn't point this out.)  Men handle stress by covering it up pretty well.  I'm a terrible example, I told him.  I'll do like most guys--pretend nothing is wrong.  Not because it's not tearing me up inside but because that's how I was raised (problem with your father and grandfather really wanting a boy and you being a girl).  Women though are hormonal, men are too, but women show it more.  Estrogen can make women seem more needy when they are younger.  Probably why, I hypothesized to him, that men in their forties need more attention.  It's supposed to be a trade off I think.  Women are needy for a longer amount of years in their teens and twenties, but not in huge dosages.  Men in their 40s as the testosterone levels sink become more needy at times, albeit for a shorter amount of years.  His girlfriend's hormones are no different than when his testosterone levels spike and he acts like a total turd.  Difference is her levels come with better indicators. 

Love is not something that you want to give away, I told him, in a moment that you think she loves you more than you love her, or even in a moment that you think you love her more than she loves you.  Life isn't about the days that are less, but the days that are more.  The advice I read earlier this week are shit.  No one loves each other constantly all the time 100% to the maximum.  Sometimes the person is just flat out going to get on your nerves.  It's the moments that the two of you understand this and stand by each other through it.  It's not easy, but here's your chance to learn that at a young age.  High school I suspect is when we should learn it.  Love isn't some romantic crap all the time.  Sometimes love is knowing that at that moment you can't stand to be around the person, but you would never abandon them to the wolves.