at Christmas time, well, at the end of the year anyway, i always become a bit reflective. this year being no different i'm reflecting on what transpired this year. my boys are another year older. i was fortunate enough to maintain a promise made to them. i've made some good friends. i finally bought another bike. i got back in touch with a lot of close friends that i have missed. (you can never have enough good people in your life.) but as always, i always reflect on my own shortcomings. perhaps, because when i was younger, it seemed like a family tradition--particularly when it came to my shortcomings.
don't get me wrong (because a couple of my friends would immediately start ranting about all the things that i'm successful at), i'm not discounting all the things that i've done right, accomplished, or any of my strengths. but let's face it, when we talk about men that have never been married or had any type of real long term relationship of any sort, well, at my age, they are generally losers--incapable of really having a good relationship. i've been single since my late 20s. really single. the longest relationship that i've had since i was 32 was a year and a half. i spent from 21 to 32 in 3 relationships, one right after the other, but after that, one real relationship for a year and a half--not even, i'm rounding up. hell, i didn't date at all for over 4 years after that. i may be incapable. i may be chosing people that are just not going to want me long term, because, well, maybe it's me.
i have to admit, that as my oldest approaches 18--next week--i've given my relationship with my ex a heavy duty, long lingering look. i used to joke that when my ex said "jump" that my response was "how high, what direction, and how much hangtime?" it wasn't a joke. it was how our relationship was, but i really loved him. i pretty much would have done anything to make him happy. i jumped through hoops, loops and wires. i thought i had married my best friend--who was cheating on me before we even got married (no, i didn't know until much, much later). i never wanted for anything. he always seemed to be in tune with what i wanted before i even knew what i wanted--only i just couldn't see staying if my ego was going to end up destroyed by the cheating. i remember me telling him that it was over. his exact words: "you can't leave me; you're pregnant." (i was 8 months with our 2nd son.) my exact words back: "i'm not leaving. you are. that's your stuff." (yes, i had actually packed his bag.) to this day, i have no idea where the strength to do that came from. but in those last few days of my marriage, i was altered--permanently.
don't get me wrong. i'm still that stupid cream puff that would do anything for the man i'm in love with. hell, i put up with a lot of crap from the guy that i dated for 7 months this year. i'm not willing to give up on something if it has a tiny glimmer of possibility. but i really have to wonder why i would date anyone that treats me with very little respect. i'm starting to think that maybe i choose these guys that are going to treat me poorly so that i don't have to end up in a long term relationship where i might end up that crushed again. oh, yes, i know i make jokes about the end of my marriage. i make jokes about the two horrible relationships that followed. i make jokes about the relationship that ended in august. (i don't know if it can be considered a relationship when i was in it, and he was in it only til he could find a bigger, better meal deal. well, we'll call it a relationship anyway...)
i've even almost fell in love again. once. years ago. it was a good relationship and i really loved doing things with him, for him, and just spending time with him. but there were complications from previous relationships that just somehow were insurmountable. i've always thought if there really is someone out there for me that it would just work, click, whatever. that relationship was close. too close. i felt that wound for a long time when it ended. longer than the relationship. i joke that guys that are in their 40s or older that have never been married or had kids always have the fish that got away story. that's my fish story--a marine who really had very little in common with me but somehow it clicked and was really good while it lasted. so i've had both. the guy that was my best friend--who cheated on me and crushed the dream that every little girl dreams. and a fish story of the one that got away. frankly, i'm not sure that my little cream puff *ss could handle another major disappointment like those.
so perhaps i'm like one of those confirmed bachelors--a complete loser unworthy of a real relationship. a confirmed bachelorette. whatever. regardless, at the end of year, i have to reflect on some deep sh*t that i've absolutely no answers for, no clue how to deal with it and maybe no desire to. a very close friend of mine, i can hear her now, would say, "you just haven't found the right one. you will." the aspects of that hope are more frightening than just saying there isn't one. perhaps my new years' resolution this year will be to give up on the whole idea entirely. it's not like i put a lot of effort into it right now anyway. giving up entirely couldn't be much less.
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