my closest friends joke that i'm a wackadoo magnet. i mean i have a guy friend that seems to attract the "marry me this minute" women. i have a super smart, fantastic female friend that always attracts the "no job, living in his car, living with mama, looking for a sugar mama" men. but me, nope, if there are 50 crazy men in a room of 100, i will attract the 10 craziest of the 50.
this most recent one is sad. if you read his texts to me, you would swear that he and i are having a robust conversation and that we are dating pretty seriously. but honestly, i wasn't paying attention to most of them. i figured if i ignored him, well, he'd go away. besides, i had added a new guy to my facebook, and all of the sudden i got a phone call asking about the guy--well, frankly, that was my focus. i was so miffed about the phone call that it didn't occur to me that this texting guy might have orchestrated the whole thing--sadly, i probably should've if i had actually been reading the texts he was sending me for almost 2 and a half hours following the phone call. but well, when i meet someone that seems "normal" (there's not really anyone that's "normal") and possibly worth the effort (and risk) of actually getting to know better, the idea that i might have misjudged the one i just met really had me upset, with myself mainly. (those of you that know me, know that i can over-analyze anything--particularly if i think i made a mistake.) so it didn't occur to me that this weirdo's texts were grossly inappropriate and making it sound like he and i were in some fairly serious quick-moving practically committed relationship...and the scariest part is it was only one date--the weekend before halloween--the rest of the last 6 weeks have been nothing, zero, zilch, nada, zippadeedooda---ok, other than his sometimes extremely inappropriate texts...geez...
but let's face it; he's not the only one...let's just go through the highlights of why i don't date, shall we?
1. 3, yes, 3, old 55+ men have claimed they're dating me when they haven't ever held my hand, kissed (on a cheek or hand or anything) or even gone on a "date" with me...seriously, how warped is it to claim to date someone seriously when they've never been out on a date with each other? this wouldn't be noteworthy, except for the fact 3, not 1, not 2, three men have done this.
2. the guy that wanted me to do him with a strap-on. no further explanation needed--although probably noteworthy to include the fact that he asked me over dinner in a restaurant...
3. the guy who slashed my tires after a first date because i wouldn't go home with him--really?!?! i'm pretty sure that i don't come off like the type that would go home with someone on the first date anyway...
4. the crazy woman that called me after i went on several dates with a single dad who had custody of his daughter because the mother was an off-on again drug addict, in and out of jail. she called me screaming that as this guy's new girlfriend (like 4 or 5 dates) i was interfering with her getting back together with him (almost 8 years had gone by since he had taken custody). one of my best friends was with me at the time, so i put the nut on speaker phone and told her i was well aware of her history and her dozen or so arrests...her exact words: "shows what you know!!! i've been in and out of jail way more than that!!!" my friend was laughing so hard she almost pee'd herself. (also, good note to self: this sh*t apparently is way funnier when it's happening to someone else...)
5. the guy who i gave the "let's be friends" speech to, who apparently thought that meant "let's be friends and i'll change my mind"...when after a couple of weeks that wasn't working out, he created online profile of me, propositioned men, gave them my phone number and address and invited them over. just what every woman's dream man would do: make her have to spend the next couple of weeks giving statements to police, the fbi and yahoo--not to mention re-do her shooting qualifications...
6. an abusive ex-boyfriend who tried to kill me...
7. an ex-husband who took me back to court for 10 years every year for my birthday...that finally quit when the judge leaped all over him and told him i was entitled to a serious increase in child support. i asked the judge to explain to him that as long as he never dragged me back into court, the peace and quiet would be well worth money i've never seen. it's been very peaceful for the last 4 years...
8. an ex who forgot to mention that he had klan in his friends and family before convincing me to move. something you might want to tell me considering i'm half asian!!!!
although these are definately not in order of heinousness, i think we will chalk this one up to #9....agreed?
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