the rules have changed, but the end game is still the same...

Dating has changed. Ask anyone--male or female. It's changed drastically. There are a slew of reasons for the changes—internet, less personal, a more open attitude towards sex in general. The game, though, is still a dance around a mulberry bush. The problem I hear from almost all 35+ women is the same too: men don’t want women, they want whores, sluts, they want drama…Well, no, they don’t. Men haven’t changed at all. They are still the same men, but they by their own actions have turned the “game” upside down. Inadvertently, the rules of the game have changed—drastically, and not for the better.

I hear a lot from my guy friends (as we all know, for some reason I have a slew of them—which we could blame on my chosen profession, my obsession with football and hockey, or just plain dumb luck…all for another blog) that women are demanding at “our age”—late 30s to late 40s. That’s not a surprise. Women are demanding at any age for different reasons. We just tend to be more complicated regardless of our morals, professions, family background. That’s nature. Younger women are less demanding, I sometimes hear—ha, no, they’re not. They have visions of Prince Charming, the white picket fence, the Knight in shining armor, the perfect wedding, the perfect family. When I listen to the teenage girls that date my sons, I know this is still true. Nothing has changed there. But, we are more likely to view men with rose colored glasses—overlook flaws (and yes, fellas are flawed regardless of age…we all are; we are human). We are also more naive in our teens and 20s. By our early 30s, we women begin to figure ourselves out. We begin to realize what we will or won’t put up with, but at the same time, we wish we could go back to where we thought the perfect relationship existed. There are even some of us that even may have gotten lucky and found it, but we all know this is so far and few in between—especially by our late 30s. We all know happily married couples, but honestly most can’t say they know many. From my guy friends that I have frank conversations with, I estimate that a lot of men are equally frustrated that there are so few happy marriages out there. The perfect girl or guy becomes more of a fantasy than a possible reality. Add that in our 30s, a large majority of us are divorced or have had several friends that have gotten divorced, we start to feel disillusioned. By our 40s, many women, and men for that matter, begin to, if not just completely, give up. We say it knowing at that moment we mean it. The more often we experience disappointment, the more likely we believe it down to our core. Life is easier without. Each time, the longer time that we take for recovery and the deeper the acceptance is. By our 50s, from what I’ve observed and listened to my friends that are in (or passed) their 50s, they don’t want to bother. Good women, wonderful, sweet, and with a lot to offer still, don’t want to bother anymore. They don’t want to get married, they don’t want to live with someone, they don’t want to have to answer to anyone, they don’t want to be bothered. More importantly, somewhere in those early 50s, they no longer care if they have a man to grow old with. They don’t want to take care of some old man…

So why? That unfortunately seems to be a side effect of the new rules as defined by womanizers in the 90s and earlier this past decade. Remember Mystery? Tucker Max? A slew of other womanizers that wrote books, did television shows, taught classes on “How to get women”. I do. I thought they were hysterical—although most of my female friends thought that they were utterly obnoxious. It was indicative though that men still didn’t understand women. Men, especially the bruised and battered ones, ate it up like potato chips. The problem that really stems from these womanizers is that they had no respect for women, and that is really what they were teaching in their methods, their tactics, their sorted stories of conquest. Yes, Tucker Max is hysterical (if you don’t know him, read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell [no abilty to underline in friggin' bloggin']). Ok, I might be a really rare woman to find him amusing, but he’s honest. He says over and over that he doesn’t have a healthy view of women. He also says on occasion that he knows women (generally the ones happily married to his friends) that shouldn’t be treated the way he treats them. Mystery and the rest though were of the opinion that all women should be treated like crap. Mystery used to say during his show, “Treat the whores like ladies and the ladies like whores.” But these idiots had no idea why that worked. Completely clueless. They advised men to “divide and conquer”, hit on the one friend, then split her from her friend, focusing on her friend, and throwing miniatures insults on the one that they actually wanted. They advised things that often work for the womanizer, but why they work for one of them isn’t why it would work for the average guy. They didn’t know anything about women, just how to manipulate them for a night. More importantly, they put it out there that if you can’t manipulate the one you want, move on quickly to the next one. They never considered the impact of turning good men into jerks. They advised things that work perhaps in the short term, but give women unrealistic expectations and make them bitter.

What did they forget to tell men? Women are complicated creatures that they don’t know how to talk to except when chemically impaired (drunk, drugged, etc.), whores or too young to recognize a shallow play. That by our 30s, most women have fallen prey to at least one womanizer, that all of us have several friends that have been preyed on, and that we can pick them out in a crowd. We love to let them buy us drinks and toy with them. By our 40s, their conversation is so shallow, so direct and so easily picked out as phony that a large majority of women won’t give them 60 seconds of their time, let alone an evening.

Manipulating a woman for an entire evening is a LOT of work. Manipulating anyone for hours is a LOT of work. All that work means that you have to pay attention, and in all honesty, most men don’t have that long of an attention span. Women love to talk and we love to think we’re being listened to. If a guy isn’t interested in a woman, why would he listen? According to these guys, for the conquest, of course. While this advice all sounds good, the flashback is that women expect men to be more complex, listening, thoughtful creatures. I have a friend that always says she wants a man that listens to her. We all do, but women now believe that normal, non-womanizing types should really be listening to every word. Really? Come on. No guy, by nature, is hanging on every little word a woman says. Most of us know to get your point across to a man—simple, 2 or 3 sentences max is the way to go—and yet many, if not most, somehow think men are listening and should be. Why? Because womanizers do actually listen to us, while they are still dreaming of the conquest. The average joe isn’t. It’s a lot of work, and most men would rather focus on the visual, the meat and potatoes, not the vocabulary. Don’t get me wrong here…men can, once they get attached to someone, hang on that woman’s every word on occasion, but the belief that men do it as the norm, well, that's the end result of 20 years of men taking relationship advice from womanizers.

Divide and conquer? Well, women in our 20s are leery of a lot of our closest friends. It’s not hard to convince two 22 year olds to feel diminished by paying attention to another woman. They will often put forth more effort to get the man’s attention—partially because of our own insecurities and partially because we’ve been hurt deeper by other women than we’ve ever been hurt by any guy. We give other women more trust quicker and other women are listening to our deepest fears, desires, and what’s making us tick. When women cut each other up, it’s at a very emotional level. It’s often hard for their friendships to recover. Men just don’t have this. They don’t attack emotionally. It’s cut and dry—two sentences. A week later, no big deal. Women can turn on each other in a weak moment, take every advantage of what they’ve confided in each other, and voila! Decades of animosity. In our 20s, it’s likely the other woman standing there has been friends with us for less than 5 years. But do the math, in our 40s, she’s likely someone we’ve known at least a decade. Divide and conquer will not work with 2 women that have seen each other through marriage, child-rearing, family tragedies, divorce and recovery. No, instead, by our late 30s, women will turn around and chew the womanizer up and spit him out. Turning him into a punchline to the story that they will laugh about until the next time they’re out and approached by a bozo. The womanizer shakes it off, moves on to the next target—the numbers game—his ego is so shallow it just doesn’t have any effect. However, the average man will not know how to take it; he assumes the women are being bitches. Well, yes, in fact they are. They don’t like womanizers, they know that game, and the man has identified himself as one. Womanizers don’t care about a woman’s feelings, and the women, especially 40-somethingers, aren’t going to give a dickens about a womanizer’s feelings. The end result, the women seem bitter to the average guy, when in actuality, they just don’t want to deal with another womanizer.

Finally, my personal favorite piece of advice, and one that all womanizers I’ve ever met go with: “Treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore.” LMAO…ok. They tell guys this, and I remember watching the one guy’s show and him saying this was THE fundamental rule. But, the funniest part to me was that he really had no clue why it works. He gave his reasoning—competition; women will eat it up. But women are not “competitive” by nature, so to speak. There’ve been plenty of studies saying that women are more nurturing whether because of social norming or nature. “Competitive” is a natural or social norming of men. It has nothing to do with why this works. It works with whores, well, because a whore is always a whore. She’s going home with someone no matter what. Being nice to her will improve the chances that she will go home with you. Buying her drinks improves your odds too. However, a whore is always looking for the latest womanizer that she’s attached herself to. He will instantly take precedence over you and you’ll have just paid for his guaranteed piece. How am I so sure of this? Because whores are still like every other woman—we all have a focus if we are involved with someone. The difference though is that whores always have a focus. Always--because they are always going home with someone. Womanizers don’t mind being their focus. They love to play one against the other and whores are sufficient to feed their own egos. Womanizers in their 40s, always have 2 or 3 whores, and even better, they love to snap their fingers and pull their whores out of the average guy’s reach after the average guy has spent a small fortune on her.

But that’s only half of their equation. “…treat…a lady like a whore.” Why do they think it works? One womanizer said in an interview once, “ladies always bow to a man if treated like crap long enough.” That’s not it. When we observe a man treating a whore like a lady, even if the guy reeks womanizer, most women will assume that he’s a nice guy. Why?? Well, we assume only a gentleman would treat a whore with respect. Yes, that’s what we think. In our 20s, it takes us longer to convince ourselves that we were wrong when the womanizer starts treating us like crap. In our 30s, we are acutely aware that we might be putting up with more than we want to and will work up to walking away. In our 40s, now we are bitchy about it. We no longer view it as our “fault”. If we misjudged a player, we are not near as angry at him as we are ourselves, but regardless of age, we will almost all direct it at the womanizer. Treating a good woman disrespectfully will piss her off, it will make her bitter, and that is a fact. Men taking this advice are simply pouring gunpowder in the keg with the fuse already lit. The more a woman gets treated disrespectfully, the more ire that will come out when she’s finally had enough. The result is women are less likely to put up with men and their quirks (better known as crap where womanizers are concerned). They are more likely to demasculinate a man who disrespects them; bringing those years and years of emotional warfare experience from being pit against other women to the devastation of men’s egos. Remember women go for the jugular if they feel used.

Now, the weirdest part of all this is the end effect. Women in their 50s. The women I know that have put up with this dating game as it has changed, by their 50s, don’t see the point. Men and women are so drastically different. When women are younger, we want the “happily ever after”. Men, on the other hand, seem to become acutely aware of their age in their 50s--growing old alone. Older women don’t see it as growing old alone. That ship sails permanently in our 40s somewhere. I have no idea where. I just know that as I’ve reached my 40s, observed my friends that are older and listened to the ones in their 50s or older, we just don’t care anymore about having someone. A major difference in women, that the womanizers have right, whores will still be whores and if you were nice to them in the past, you can still get tail. So can every other guy and ironically that thought nauseates most men. A big joke, and a terrifying one at that. But ladies, the good women, have settled in with themselves and their surroundings, and they see no reason to add you if you weren’t there before. (Older women seem more open to other women too…but, as always, that is a totally different blog.) I honestly have started to feel or think this. I remember someone telling me that by 50 I won’t care if I have a man or not—leaning towards not. That was about 5 years ago. I couldn’t imagine. I wanted to have someone to play with and go see all the cool things that I’ve put off. Now, I’m thinking I could go see those things with my friends and have way more fun. Five years ago, I just kept hoping the women telling me that were wrong. Now, at 42, I’m absolutely sure they are right. I still wish I could find someone to do those wonderful things with. However, I’ve also reached a point where I don’t want to have to Photoshop the picture of me on the Great Wall of China, because I’m not dating that guy so-n-so anymore. I have quite a few cool memories that the pictures are nowhere to be seen. I really do not need another picture that I slide in a drawer because that guy wasn’t the right one. More importantly, I’m starting to feel comfortable with the idea of not going with that guy at all, whoever he might have been.

The rules have changed, but the end game is still the same… Women outlive men, and therefore, somewhere to our 50s, women become comfortable with dying without the husband--with our children, grandchildren, friends that are outliving us, and perhaps great-grandchildren around us. It's basic biology, and it's really no different than the biological clock that goes off in our early 30s because bearing children after 35 is riskier. Likewise, biology likely prepares women mentally for the death of men--some biological trigger to ensure that the woman is prepared to stand on her own. Men, on the other hand, could depend on the woman they took care of to take care of them in their moment of need. Most men don't like the idea of dying alone. Yet, with the new rules, the womanizers' rules, that may be what a lot of men are left with--a lonely end with nothing but a bunch of carvings in a bed post.