simple rules for the single mom (or dad)...

i am a single mom. there really are all kinds of ridiculous books out there to tell people how to be single parents. a lot written by people that have never been single parents...in fact, some are even written by people that haven't even had kids. as i'm sitting here in the doctor's office with two of mine, it occurs to me as i look at the parenting magazines that most of the stuff i've read really hasn't made my job as a single mom easier. most of it has been crap. however, over the years, i've learned a lot. maybe some funny stuff, maybe some helpful. maybe some outright stupid...

so here goes my top 10 simple rules for the single mom (or dad, for that matter):

1. you are the parent--scene, no scene. it should always more embarassing that they are misbehaving than that people might be mad at you because you told your kid to sit down, shut up and behave...

2. the most idiotic thing ever said is that single mothers have a lower success rate raising good kids. don't buy into the hype. if you doubt your ability, so will your kids. you do them no justice by accepting a sorry *ss societal excuse tailor made for you to fail your kids, and...yourself.

3. kids are nuts. who else would argue over who got the bigger half of the cookie and turn it into tearfest to gain parental sympathy for the imagined larger half? crazy makes crazy--don't let them suck you into their craziness. make them keep the half they got, threatened to take it away if they continue, and most importantly, follow through with taking it away if they make you.

4. follow through on all threatened potential punishments. if you think they're walking on you at 7, OMG, you will really hate when they stomp on you as teenagers.

5. no always means no. i know people are looking at me like i've lost my mind as my middle asks over and over and over and over and over and...you get the picture...and me saying, "no, no, no, no, no. i said NO!" but truth is like my grams said, "give them an acre, they'll take the farm." since technically they already have the farm (because we know our lives do revolve around our kids), they sure as sh*t don't need to know before the reading of the will. our lives as parents are no longer our own, but no way should they know that until they have kids of their own!! (besides, how else will you get to relish in the fact their kids are as nuts as they were?!?!)

6. make a list of chores--a checksheet. it'll disappear. you'll repost. it'll disappear. but every so often you'll be pleasantly surprised that the checksheet wasn't there and they got the place cleaned up the way it's supposed to be--well, minus the dusting...

7. get the hell away from them once a week, and i'm not talking about going to work or hiding out in your room. kids are nuts; crazy makes crazy. leave the nuthouse and do something, however small, for yourself, around other adults. a couple hours can make all the difference in the world to your sanity.

8. yelling is not optional. especially for teenagers. we've turned the world into a "don't yell at your kids, don't discipline your kids, talk to them, be their bestest friend..." and then we wonder why we have so many of them running around schools with guns. simple: we didn't make sure that they knew there were real consequences for piss poor behavior. you're not their best friend; you're the parent. you have a job to do: turn your kids into productive, decent members of society. suck it up. you can be their friend later.

9. stop buying your kids every piece of crap that they want. you don't have to make it up to them that you're working all those hours to keep a roof over their head. sometimes saying no is actually showing more love than giving in to every single whim. they're kids for crying outloud-they'll move on to the next thing tomorrow and you're just wasting your hard earned money.

10. most importantly, don't let your little monster jump up and down in the booth behind me, grab my hair with his/her greasy little hands and simply ignore it or tell them to stop without actually stopping them. i will embarass your ass. grab your kid, tell him no, apologize for the rudeness of your child, and show the kid how real adults are supposed to act. don't act like it's my fault that your kid is being a monster either, because here's a newsflash: it's YOUR fault!!!

obviously, my overall advice is always, always, always remember you are the parent. (and i do know this is so much easier said than done...) you're going to have plenty of time to relish in your successes and failures down the road. the goal is to produce decent, productive adults who know how to respect themselves and others--anything more is gravy; anything less should be unacceptable. good luck...