strong book cover...

there's not many people that meet me that know me at all. book cover. i appear to be a career minded, strong willed, single mother of 3 boys. i am. the career pays the bills, keeps my mind blooming, and gives me an opportunity to interact with some wonderful people. i'm a single mother--there's been no changing that. i've actually met women that have walked away from the responsibility of motherhood, both on purpose and some by force because of stupid decisions (this being debatable whether it's a choice or on purpose, but as always, another blog). it's the strong-willed part that gives me pause.

i certainly was raised to stand up for myself. God knows that some of the things that i experienced as a child required me to learn to stand up for myself. (this in no means is to insinuate that i've endured more or less than anyone. i know people that i would not ever state their experience was better than mine...) i simply had no one to stand up for me as a mother would. the facts are not in question and certainly not for discussion in this blog. it's just a fact, and the reason that my "strong-willed" side required me to be the parent, the mother, to my boys that i had been untimely deprived of. i've not always stood up for them if i thought they were wrong--i don't believe that's what a mother would do. but by the by, i've always been here for them. this is not an easy job for anyone, regardless of numbers or sex of the children. but the numbers do add up sometimes, and 3 against one does require the ability to stand up and get them to back down. to be honest, i've amazed myself over the years. when people tell me how great they are, well, i may joke that they must've locked them in the closet, but truth be told, i worked very hard to make them the young gentlemen they are and are becoming. that "stong-will" has gotten me through this and made me relatively successful with them too.

but people, just assume that strong-will is who i am. admittedly, it is a part. a part that normally was just a small piece of me. when i was younger, i never really cared what, where, when, why. i became quite pleased just to follow people around if given the choice. really. if my friends wanted to go here or there, i didn't care and saw no reason to make an argument over where we were going if i didn't care. some friends got frustrated because i never had an input. the majority didn't notice. when i dated someone, i didn't care what we did either. i was perfectly content probably 80 to 85% of the time to just do whatever. every so often, i would want to do this or that, but again, if i didn't care what we did or didn't do--why make a do over what, where, when or why. i've gotten to experience a lot of things simply because i've never minded doing something that i may or may not have chosen to do on my own. on the other hand, it always seemed to shock someone if all the sudden i spoke up and wanted to do this or that. my ex was perfectly thrilled that most of the time i just followed him around like a puppy dog. everything made me happy, and those things that i didn't like, well, the next time i would either opt out or say no thanks.

on the other hand, i was/am a wackadoo magnet. honestly, i used to be a magnet for everything--wackadoos were not the majority. my grams used to joke i'd bring home every single stray that needed to be taken care of--my favorite, most beloved dog had been abandoned on the side of the road. it didn't take a strong-will to want to baby a stray puppy or hurt bird or baby bunny. however, a few years back, it was pointed out to me that it was likely not helping me with the wackadoos if i kept being such a bleeding heart. it was opening me up to a lot of stuff that i really didn't have the energy to deal with. there was no arguing that point. the sooner that i've walked away from those types, the better off i've been. but the "strong-will" to walk away from those types was developed over time. i am still proud of the fact that none of my friends fall into stereotypes, certain financial means, or even certain lifestyles. i have friends of all types, sizes and shapes (ha, ok, joke), but i do have a large variation compared to most. for all the wackadoos that i've had to suffer through, i've made more friends of different fabric than anyone else i know. the strong-will has never included judging a book by its cover. i always have taken "judge not less ye be judged yourself" very seriously, so knowing it's time to walk away from nuts--well, that's actually taken practice.

where men are concerned, well, that's just simple, and yet for some reason, so counter-intuitive to my book cover. i told an ex-boyfriend, "you lead, i'll follow." it's that easy. when he asked what if i really want something or don't, my response was simple too, "when that happens, i'll say something." the only disagreements that he and i had were always over women that he was supposedly not dating, which eventually he admitted to that being the problem...(not while we were dating, later down the road, which would've gone over much differently if he had admitted it then, but again, another blog)...but if he wanted to do this, that or the other, i didn't care. if he wanted to hang with his buddies, i didn't care. we all need space to do things that we love to do. honestly, i never asked him for anything in over 7 months, but the one time that i did do something with some expectation, well, suffice to say it didn't go over well. although honestly, i can't see how it was that bad. even when i do "want" something, i will dress it up like a little girl asking for a new toy--with sugar and spice and everything nice. my "strong-will" in a relationship is pretty much limited to anything that pushes my limits, and i don't have many limits to what i'll try. i've eaten escargot (ugh, never again), i've sky-dived, and i've seen ripley's believe it or not (i'll even admit watching someone try and touch their nose with their tongue through a two-way mirror was entertaining). all things that i personally never would've tried, but the experiences aren't something that i'd take back. the guys that i've dated seriously (and the ex) couldn't honestly say that i ever demanded anything--probably the exact opposite. it's not that important to me to have the lead...it's just important that i can trust the person that i'm following. there's where any man will see my strong-will kick in, as my most recent ex-boyfriend would easily attest to.

strong-will is relative with me. no one is so black and white that every aspect of their personality is the primary aspect of their personality. my "strong-will" is such a limited aspect of who i am, and yet, i'm saddened by the fact that anyone would assume it defines me. on the other hand, i'm proud that it allowed me to provide for my boys, and myself, so well. it's an aspect that kept me going and trying even when the world was topsy-turvy and some would've given up. if it is the only aspect of me that someone chooses to see, then i suppose there are worse aspects of my personality that they could focus on...