Lists. Well, one list. I used to have a list of everything that I didn't want in a relationship. My sister and one of my really good friends have insisted that I throw it away--metaphorically. It was never a written list. I don't know what I'm doing now. The list was so much easier. Of course, I wasn't using it the way I was "supposed" to. It pretty much became a method of me picking out someone that I didn't want to be with and making sure that something on the list was there to eventually bail. Now, I'm not working with anything and for someone as logical as me, this isn't working. I feel like I'm floundering around.
First off, I'm not attracted to many guys, and I'm not just talking about physical attraction. I'm not attracted to men that are stupid, and I don't usually know this until I've actually talked with them once. It doesn't take long--a few minutes to know if someone is "smart". I don't even bother with someone that isn't capable of keeping my attention. Don't get me wrong. I was raised by my Grams and I can certainly carry the conversation if necessary. I know plenty of guys that will tell my friends they are interested and my response is no. I'm a handful--probably more like two handfuls. There are very few guys that can "control" that attention. I can have my stupid conversations with my friends. I don't require my friends, female or male, to have a lot in common with me. I have a huge band of interests. I don't even expect the guy I date to have all the same interests--how boring would that be? But if he can't keep up and even exceed me in the first real conversation that we have, I have totally lost any interest from that point on.
Of course, the other thing is a guy has to really be able to appreciate that I am a girly girl and a total tomboy at the same time. I don't think most guys can really appreciate this. They either want the tomboy or the girly girl--the same package for both seems to confuse most guys. I also don't play "girl" games. I will not try to manipulate a situation to my advantage. I don't have the time to bother. When I get sick of a game, I stop and just walk away. I'll admit I have given up on guys just because the minute they start listening to drama women (or men for that matter) who know nothing about me, rather than attempt to defend myself, I just drop the idea completely. I do not have the time, nor should I or anyone for that matter, to defend myself against false accusations. Either you want to get to know me and decide for yourself or you don't. I spent 6 months once begging and pleading with an ex-boyfriend that knew things he was being told weren't true, even told me so, but didn't want to defend me. I've had plenty of friends defend me that did so because they are my friends, and I don't expect anyone dating me that hasn't got to know me yet to necessarily defend me. But I do expect them to have the gumption to say they are their own person and they will decide for themselves. I'm friends with a couple of ex-boyfriends. They will defend me most ardently to this day. They know who I am--we just weren't right for each other. I don't have time for someone that is going to listen to others. I have become friends with a couple of guys that I walked away from. They then want to restart dating. I guess there's a window where this is acceptable. Most of them let that window close before they come to that conclusion. But it takes a lot of internal strength to walk away from someone when they decide to hurt you, and giving them a "second" chance, well, sometimes it just doesn't make sense to risk them suddenly listening to other people again. You can't have a good relationship with someone where you don't believe they've got your back. If they listened to others once, then you already know that risk is there. Most people are not as complicated as I am, so most people try to bundle me in a box and usually their box is completely made up. I don't have the time to be stuffed in a box.
This is probably why I've dated some of the guys I have. It's really much easier to date someone that you know deep down that you are going to throw out sooner or later. The list was full of things that I don't like. It's really easy to find that and date that. Finding what I actually want. Well, I don't really have any list. What's here is it. I mean it's not that complicated until you realize that I meet like maybe 1 or 2 guys a year tops that meet these requirements. I think the girly girl, tomboy thing really establishes a major issue most of the time. Some guys are fascinated by it. Usually a very bad sign. Some guys are intimidated by it. Also a very bad sign. Some guys listen to other people that are confused and intimidated by it. Not so good either. Usually the 1 or 2 fall into one of these 3 categories. But oh well. This is where I shrug my shoulders and figure what's meant to be will be. I'm not sure other women have these problems too. Maybe, maybe not. Doesn't really matter. Each of us is one of a kind even if we share certain similarities. This blog is probably just about me.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Monday, December 26, 2016
Remember to say thank you my friends...haters gonna hate...
I don't know what it is about December, but I always notice that more bitches, female AND male, have to talk shit about other people. It's like every single insecurity that they have comes teeming to the top and they totally need to put down people that they are jealous of in order to try and make their teeming mountain of personal issues and shit "less" noticeable. Not that it works. We can see that you are doing more ugly shit than normal. But normal people don't give a shit. The only people listening are the ones that are doing the same stupid shit you are. Oh, I know, people like this do not read my blog. Give me a break, but sometimes this blog is for my readers who experience the same shit I do. We all have at least one little feeble minded hater who is so green with envy they can't help but try to talk shit about us.
Let's face it. For the most part I've got my life together, and nothing attracts haters more. I've got a good job, because I have a good work ethic. It's not that hard to have a good work ethic. When stuff needs to get done, get it done. Simple. It means I've got a roof over my head and I can afford to eat, drink and be merry. So it's not surprising that jealous and insecure annoys me. I worked hard to get where I'm at, and I've taken life's punches, picked myself back up, and found the courage to keep trying. It's called life. Get the hell over it. If you are that worried about those of us with our lives semi-together, then you are truly a pathetic piece of shit.
So, I look a lot younger than I am--good genes and good sense. This sometimes is a blessing and sometimes a curse. When it comes to jealous women, well, more curse, but it's not my fault you tried every illegal drug and even though you're 10 years younger than me look like a Mack truck drove over your face, twice. That's your own fault. Own it like a bitch instead of an insecure skankapotamus. I always love when 20 something girls, usually the drug heads that don't realize I would knock them from here to next Christmas, that try to make me feel bad for actually looking younger and try to focus on my couple extra pounds. Uh, sweetie, you look like you're in your mid to late 30s. Lay off the random dick and the drugs. Geez. I'm in my 40s and I'm damn proud of it. Sure I may have been a pothead at some point in my life, and I may advocate for it to be legalized. Most of the potheads I know are too laid back to go all insecure judgmental whore on other women or men. But yea, sweetie all the coke, crank, meth, whatever has you aging in dog years. You'll be older than anyone you are jealous of by your next birthday.
One of my friends years ago insinuated it had to do with the bars. Oh, puh-lease. I did the non-bar, hanging out with friends at their houses, and doing the neighborhood parties. Talk about judgment. Except now all my nosey neighbors were talking about me instead random shits that I only see when I go to the same bars they're at. You can't get away from the nosey neighbor. I have one now. She's a blessing and a curse. She reminds I never want to be a busy body and at the same time warns me if a random white van has been sitting in the neighborhood. I'll take it for what it is. Good to know information and the less she knows about me the better.
NO, no, no, I do not "need" a man. I've never understood why a woman without a man has to have something "wrong" with her. Frankly, I don't even know if I want one. Don't get me wrong. I love the idea of being in love again. But I expect when I look into someone's eyes, not only do I have that feeling of being in love, but that feeling of "I've got you". There's nothing wrong that I don't look actively. I do not need to be on some dating website looking day in, day out. And not having a man doesn't make me some super bitch or a cat lady (can't actually stand most cats--except my nephew's...his are totally cool) or a lesbian or whatever. What it means is I have standards. Not even high ones. I want someone who is smart, sarcastic, attractive to me and the real feeling you get when you really care for someone along with the real look that you get and they get when you look at each other. I have plenty of friends that have this, so I know it exists. I'm not a degenerate because I don't have it. I've never understood why people make excuses for a man who doesn't have a relationship but if you're a woman there must be something wrong with you. What's wrong with me is that I don't give a shit. It's not that important. I pay my own bills and I'd rather be alone than with someone that I don't have that flutter for or that ultimately makes me miserable. I'm that "ride or die" girl. I'm not giving that to anyone again that isn't 100% there for me also. It's not my fault that you are so busy devaluing yourself that the rest of us that are actually holding out for the right one make you even more jealous and insecure about who you are. You've made the same mistakes that I have when it comes to dating...ah hell, who are we kidding? You've probably swapped and pulled trains. Sit down and shut up.
Now don't get me wrong. Am I worried about what some jealous little pathetic half pint of a person thinks? Do you really think that any of us that are comfortable with our lives care? No, we really don't. We just get tired of you running your mouths like you're somebody. If you were actually somebody, you wouldn't have anything to say. I don't know what's so bad in your life that you really feel the need to put other people down, but here's the difference between you and me. I don't give a shit what's wrong in your life. You're not my friend or family. You're just some random acquaintance that I may or may not even remember your name. I don't want to know you well enough to talk shit about you and I don't have the time like you to make up random shit just to try and make myself sound better than you. By running your mouth about me, you've already proven I am better than you. Thanks.
Let's face it. For the most part I've got my life together, and nothing attracts haters more. I've got a good job, because I have a good work ethic. It's not that hard to have a good work ethic. When stuff needs to get done, get it done. Simple. It means I've got a roof over my head and I can afford to eat, drink and be merry. So it's not surprising that jealous and insecure annoys me. I worked hard to get where I'm at, and I've taken life's punches, picked myself back up, and found the courage to keep trying. It's called life. Get the hell over it. If you are that worried about those of us with our lives semi-together, then you are truly a pathetic piece of shit.
So, I look a lot younger than I am--good genes and good sense. This sometimes is a blessing and sometimes a curse. When it comes to jealous women, well, more curse, but it's not my fault you tried every illegal drug and even though you're 10 years younger than me look like a Mack truck drove over your face, twice. That's your own fault. Own it like a bitch instead of an insecure skankapotamus. I always love when 20 something girls, usually the drug heads that don't realize I would knock them from here to next Christmas, that try to make me feel bad for actually looking younger and try to focus on my couple extra pounds. Uh, sweetie, you look like you're in your mid to late 30s. Lay off the random dick and the drugs. Geez. I'm in my 40s and I'm damn proud of it. Sure I may have been a pothead at some point in my life, and I may advocate for it to be legalized. Most of the potheads I know are too laid back to go all insecure judgmental whore on other women or men. But yea, sweetie all the coke, crank, meth, whatever has you aging in dog years. You'll be older than anyone you are jealous of by your next birthday.
One of my friends years ago insinuated it had to do with the bars. Oh, puh-lease. I did the non-bar, hanging out with friends at their houses, and doing the neighborhood parties. Talk about judgment. Except now all my nosey neighbors were talking about me instead random shits that I only see when I go to the same bars they're at. You can't get away from the nosey neighbor. I have one now. She's a blessing and a curse. She reminds I never want to be a busy body and at the same time warns me if a random white van has been sitting in the neighborhood. I'll take it for what it is. Good to know information and the less she knows about me the better.
NO, no, no, I do not "need" a man. I've never understood why a woman without a man has to have something "wrong" with her. Frankly, I don't even know if I want one. Don't get me wrong. I love the idea of being in love again. But I expect when I look into someone's eyes, not only do I have that feeling of being in love, but that feeling of "I've got you". There's nothing wrong that I don't look actively. I do not need to be on some dating website looking day in, day out. And not having a man doesn't make me some super bitch or a cat lady (can't actually stand most cats--except my nephew's...his are totally cool) or a lesbian or whatever. What it means is I have standards. Not even high ones. I want someone who is smart, sarcastic, attractive to me and the real feeling you get when you really care for someone along with the real look that you get and they get when you look at each other. I have plenty of friends that have this, so I know it exists. I'm not a degenerate because I don't have it. I've never understood why people make excuses for a man who doesn't have a relationship but if you're a woman there must be something wrong with you. What's wrong with me is that I don't give a shit. It's not that important. I pay my own bills and I'd rather be alone than with someone that I don't have that flutter for or that ultimately makes me miserable. I'm that "ride or die" girl. I'm not giving that to anyone again that isn't 100% there for me also. It's not my fault that you are so busy devaluing yourself that the rest of us that are actually holding out for the right one make you even more jealous and insecure about who you are. You've made the same mistakes that I have when it comes to dating...ah hell, who are we kidding? You've probably swapped and pulled trains. Sit down and shut up.
Now don't get me wrong. Am I worried about what some jealous little pathetic half pint of a person thinks? Do you really think that any of us that are comfortable with our lives care? No, we really don't. We just get tired of you running your mouths like you're somebody. If you were actually somebody, you wouldn't have anything to say. I don't know what's so bad in your life that you really feel the need to put other people down, but here's the difference between you and me. I don't give a shit what's wrong in your life. You're not my friend or family. You're just some random acquaintance that I may or may not even remember your name. I don't want to know you well enough to talk shit about you and I don't have the time like you to make up random shit just to try and make myself sound better than you. By running your mouth about me, you've already proven I am better than you. Thanks.
Saturday, December 24, 2016
What are you afraid of?
The holidays are hard on everyone. Some of us have to deal with being reminded that we are alone. How we cope with being alone is different for each of us, but there are some similarities too. If you are like me, you spend more time with friends, more time cooking, more time drinking, and more time trying to avoid "catching" feelings for anyone. Those of us that are single but have been hurt before tend to be jumpy--we go between wanting to be with someone and wanting to run away. We want to find the right person, but we don't trust ourselves to choose the right person. And even if we do trust ourselves enough to take the risk, the holidays actually remind us that we made the mistake before. It can sometimes be overwhelming.
In my case, I never wanted to get married. I left a fiance in the lurch to join the military--literally on a whim. I just wanted to see the world, live my life, never have anyone telling me what to do or when to do it. I saw a relationship as a non-starter. When I started dating my ex-husband, that all went out the window. I did what a lot of us do when we fall in love; I was that "ride or die" girl. I had his back no matter what. Until I caught him cheating on me. I was devastated and broken. Someone once said to me that my relationship with him was the biggest mistake of my life. I actually even felt that way for a time, and even in some ways, I still feel like trusting him was a big mistake. But then I look at our boys and I know. It was a great mistake. I wouldn't have them without him. I mean sure, I might have had children with someone else eventually, but my boys? No. I wouldn't have them. Without him, they wouldn't exist. What is meant to be will be.
But can you count on what is supposed to be will be? I'm not sure about that. I wish I could be, but we never really know. If you believe the basics of quantum mechanics, then it stands to reason that yes, what is meant to be will be. But only certain points in time are "meant to be". Pinnacle points in time have to happen--but how they happen, when they happen, in what order--that can vary. So let's say I was supposed to meet someone but he wasn't going to be ready when I was or vice versa. Basically we'll call this point A in my life. I'm supposed to meet this amazing guy who would be the world to me and vice versa. Now let's say there are 5 of these fixed points in my life and everything else is fluid. So there's A, and B, C, D, E also. We like to think that these points would go from A to B to C to D to E. But that's because our minds work that way. We see things linearly. However, in truth these points don't have to happen in that order. Point E might have been the first point I got to and the rest are occurring in a different order because the time in between these points is fluid. So point A still has to happen and it doesn't necessarily happen the same way it would have if it had come first. Yes, I know confusing. But that's the most basic description. Meeting my ex might not even have been any of the 5 points. Seriously. It might have been that fluid time in between that is trying to get me to one of those points.
For example, how do you think I ended up living where I do now? At one point my ex actually wanted to move to the area I live now, 3 years before I caught him cheating. He wasn't from this area; he had met some people--a band through a friend of his. My rebound relationship--and the guy turns out to be from near by and he convinces me to move here. I have never had a sister--but the person that most people know as my sister I met within a year or so of moving here. Her family was from the same town as my mother's parents. Her husband, well, remember that fiance I left in the lurch? Her husband used to babysit him. Their families owned adjacent farms in Michigan. I moved north after graduating from Clemson in spite of my sister trying to convince me not to. Her mother died while I was up there, so I was there to lend support for the funeral. Then I moved west and I realized that the only place I ever felt like I was home was here. I came back and I've told my kids I won't leave here again.
Do I think my "Prince Charming" is here? I don't know. I just know that I'm not going anywhere else. Do I think your prince or princess is where you are? I don't know that either. All I know is that every mistake I've made in my life--including my ex--has resulted in me learning something or being there for someone or something. Of course, that's always all in hindsight. But every "mistake" I've made led me here, so I have to think that there must be some rhyme or reason behind that. Fate, God, quantum mechanics, whatever. So I'm thinking my point A, my Prince Charming, my unicorn is probably a point that couldn't happen when I would have liked it to. Simple as that.
Am I afraid of falling in love again? No. Am I afraid of trusting someone again like I did my ex? Yes. I was all in. I trusted him implicitly. That is not something that I have had the ability to do since. So why? Well, trust is earned once you've been burned. But that doesn't mean that I have to push anyone away anymore because well I can't find out if they are trustworthy without giving them the chance to prove themselves. That applies to friends and even more so to someone that you might want to fall in love with. Friends develop over time into better friends or people that you wouldn't trust as far as you could throw them. So the only difference with falling in love is that at some point you decide you are all in. I wrote in a previous blog that you should find the right amount of crazy for your asshole or vice versa. How will I know that if I don't take a chance when I meet someone I like? I won't. And neither will you. We have to take a chance or we'll never find out if the person in front of us is the right or wrong person.
There's an argument that we have no choice when the right person comes along, and yet, all the time in between is fluid. So even when the right person presents themselves, you, me, anyone of us, has to make the choice to try again. That's it in a nutshell. The holidays always, always, always, remind us of our mistakes. But that is not how it's supposed to be. So this Christmas try and remind yourself of the things that you've done right or that turned out right even when you think it all went to hell. Because everything happens for a reason even if it happens differently than expected. Oh and have a very Merry Christmas!
In my case, I never wanted to get married. I left a fiance in the lurch to join the military--literally on a whim. I just wanted to see the world, live my life, never have anyone telling me what to do or when to do it. I saw a relationship as a non-starter. When I started dating my ex-husband, that all went out the window. I did what a lot of us do when we fall in love; I was that "ride or die" girl. I had his back no matter what. Until I caught him cheating on me. I was devastated and broken. Someone once said to me that my relationship with him was the biggest mistake of my life. I actually even felt that way for a time, and even in some ways, I still feel like trusting him was a big mistake. But then I look at our boys and I know. It was a great mistake. I wouldn't have them without him. I mean sure, I might have had children with someone else eventually, but my boys? No. I wouldn't have them. Without him, they wouldn't exist. What is meant to be will be.
But can you count on what is supposed to be will be? I'm not sure about that. I wish I could be, but we never really know. If you believe the basics of quantum mechanics, then it stands to reason that yes, what is meant to be will be. But only certain points in time are "meant to be". Pinnacle points in time have to happen--but how they happen, when they happen, in what order--that can vary. So let's say I was supposed to meet someone but he wasn't going to be ready when I was or vice versa. Basically we'll call this point A in my life. I'm supposed to meet this amazing guy who would be the world to me and vice versa. Now let's say there are 5 of these fixed points in my life and everything else is fluid. So there's A, and B, C, D, E also. We like to think that these points would go from A to B to C to D to E. But that's because our minds work that way. We see things linearly. However, in truth these points don't have to happen in that order. Point E might have been the first point I got to and the rest are occurring in a different order because the time in between these points is fluid. So point A still has to happen and it doesn't necessarily happen the same way it would have if it had come first. Yes, I know confusing. But that's the most basic description. Meeting my ex might not even have been any of the 5 points. Seriously. It might have been that fluid time in between that is trying to get me to one of those points.
For example, how do you think I ended up living where I do now? At one point my ex actually wanted to move to the area I live now, 3 years before I caught him cheating. He wasn't from this area; he had met some people--a band through a friend of his. My rebound relationship--and the guy turns out to be from near by and he convinces me to move here. I have never had a sister--but the person that most people know as my sister I met within a year or so of moving here. Her family was from the same town as my mother's parents. Her husband, well, remember that fiance I left in the lurch? Her husband used to babysit him. Their families owned adjacent farms in Michigan. I moved north after graduating from Clemson in spite of my sister trying to convince me not to. Her mother died while I was up there, so I was there to lend support for the funeral. Then I moved west and I realized that the only place I ever felt like I was home was here. I came back and I've told my kids I won't leave here again.
Do I think my "Prince Charming" is here? I don't know. I just know that I'm not going anywhere else. Do I think your prince or princess is where you are? I don't know that either. All I know is that every mistake I've made in my life--including my ex--has resulted in me learning something or being there for someone or something. Of course, that's always all in hindsight. But every "mistake" I've made led me here, so I have to think that there must be some rhyme or reason behind that. Fate, God, quantum mechanics, whatever. So I'm thinking my point A, my Prince Charming, my unicorn is probably a point that couldn't happen when I would have liked it to. Simple as that.
Am I afraid of falling in love again? No. Am I afraid of trusting someone again like I did my ex? Yes. I was all in. I trusted him implicitly. That is not something that I have had the ability to do since. So why? Well, trust is earned once you've been burned. But that doesn't mean that I have to push anyone away anymore because well I can't find out if they are trustworthy without giving them the chance to prove themselves. That applies to friends and even more so to someone that you might want to fall in love with. Friends develop over time into better friends or people that you wouldn't trust as far as you could throw them. So the only difference with falling in love is that at some point you decide you are all in. I wrote in a previous blog that you should find the right amount of crazy for your asshole or vice versa. How will I know that if I don't take a chance when I meet someone I like? I won't. And neither will you. We have to take a chance or we'll never find out if the person in front of us is the right or wrong person.
There's an argument that we have no choice when the right person comes along, and yet, all the time in between is fluid. So even when the right person presents themselves, you, me, anyone of us, has to make the choice to try again. That's it in a nutshell. The holidays always, always, always, remind us of our mistakes. But that is not how it's supposed to be. So this Christmas try and remind yourself of the things that you've done right or that turned out right even when you think it all went to hell. Because everything happens for a reason even if it happens differently than expected. Oh and have a very Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
2016 Promises in Review and New Year's Promises for 2017
So last year's new year's promises to myself...for my newer readers, I never make resolutions. I try to keep all the promises I make to others so it just makes more sense to make promises to myself of what I want to do for me. I've discovered after reviewing those new year's promises last year that I didn't keep all of them. But I did one hell of a job keeping the more important ones. So maybe some of the "less" important ones I'll just have to make come true in 2017. I think I was pretty ambitious given what a shit year 2016 was pretty much for everyone.
So first, what promises did I keep? More concerts--EPIC SUCCESS!! Duran Duran. Seriously. Who cares what other concerts I made? I actually saw Rick Springfield and entourage that included Night Ranger and the Romantics. And I saw a lot more local and regional bands!! Which truth be told is my favorite thing to do over riding my motorcycle. Love, love, love live music!! Enjoy my life, even if I don't have someone to share it with. Well, another success! I did manage to spend a small fortune on taking friends with me that couldn't afford to do the things that I like to do. I went to Charlotte for a race, and of course, did Darlington again this year!! Granted I've kind of decided that if you can't afford to go, I may or may not be willing to foot the bill. Some people prove to be very, very unappreciative and even weasel out of the things they said they would pay for. Neither here nor there! It was awesome!! I enjoyed every minute regardless because the one thing that I definitely had learned in 2015 was that you decide if someone else is going to ruin your good time. And no one is ruining my good time anymore when I'm doing something special. Still don't understand why anyone would do this--create drama or an argument to ruin what otherwise would be an awesome memory. But, I just don't actually care why anymore. If we need to argue it out, we can do that after we get home and by then guess what? Who cares? Because the good times overcast whatever wasn't "right". More time with friends? Hell yes!! I went to St Patty's in Savannah with one of my best friends to visit another best friend and his girlfriend!! We had so much fun!!! By spending more time with my friends, I found out which ones weren't worthy also. That's good though. It was a year to spend with real friends--and that means weeding out the less worthy. There are some friends that I will go out of my way for. And if you are one of the friends that survived this year and still hear from me fairly regularly, well, count yourself in that group. I'm a loyal and dedicated friend--but another 2015 lesson--only to those that prove loyal to me. To those that have been, thank you!! I love you even if we only talk a couple times a year!! Less time doing what other people want me to do. I have spent the last 20 years of my life doing what everyone else wanted to do. I like to just follow sometimes. It's easy and I'm not really a picky person, but damn it. What I learned in 2015 was that some people will take advantage of that to the nines. Everyone needs someone that respects what they want to do at least once in a while. I do a lot for others when I can, but I finally learned that doing for myself isn't a damn crime. This year really helped me redefine those limits. I'm very proud of myself. The biggest, most major, beyond epic success?!?!? Less time with draining people!! Like I said some people don't hear from me anymore at all. They don't realize what a drain they can be. It has to be their way. Or they are drunks. Or they just backstab the hell out of other people in front of me which means it's likely they are backstabbing the hell out of me when I'm not there making sure they are behaving themselves. WTH. Well, no, not WTH. Buh, buh, bye. So that's 6 out of 10 promises that I have been super at this year!! YAY ME!!!
What 4 did I miss? Beach. Didn't go to the beach once this year. Who cares? I went to two races, concerts, rode my motorcycle whenever I wanted. Hiking. No, didn't do that this year either. Okay so those are so minor, plus so easily moved to 2017. Germany. Well, Morg is going to be in Germany until the summer....so yes, technically another one easily moved to 2017. And the final promise, finish my novel. Well, it's halfway done. So for someone working full time and living my life my way and working on a non-profit for vets with PTSD. I'm thinking I've done pretty good getting it halfway. So moving the completion to 2017 isn't a failure by any means.
So what promises for this year? Well, let's see.
1. We'll bunch the superficial ones into one. Go hiking more. Go to the beach. Go to the Joe for the last Red Wings season at the Joe. Go to a Clemson game in Death Valley. Go to a bowl game. Go to my brother's wedding. Go to more concerts. Go to Darlington again. Maybe try Bristol or the Brickyard 400 this year. Drags in Charlotte or Atlanta. Roller coasters--another favorite thing. Maybe this is the year to do Sturgis!!
2. Visit more friends that live elsewhere. I have friends in Arkansas, Florida, Tennessee, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Kansas, Hawaii, Italy, Illinois, Wisconsin, California....Let's consider this a success if I get to 3 this year. Sounds do-able.
3. So this one. I've thought about it, a lot. I don't actually want a bad relationship, but I don't actually want to be alone either. I got rid of the nightmare list in 2016 I had been keeping for the last decade that seemed more counterproductive to meeting the "right" guy. Granted with a lot of poking and proding from my sister, and a couple of my best friends. I now focus on the positives of someone, rather than looking for my way out. If I need a way out, I don't need to be with "that" guy. But I also know that I've met a couple guys over the last year that I wouldn't need an "out". That stupid list was actually hurting more than it helped. As of February this year, I would've been married. I've wrote about it before. One of my best friends wanted to marry me for over 15 years. Until he died a couple years back. We had agreed that we would marry for his 50th birthday if we were both still single. That would be this February. If he had been the "one", I would've married him one of the several times that he asked. But, again, maybe that has been counterproductive too. I always had that fall back plan--my safety net. Of course, it really hit me this year that net is gone. I don't want the wrong relationship, and that would've been the "wrong" one, but getting rid of the list. Well, I've realized the "right" relationship isn't that hard to find. We make it hard because we keep dwelling on what we don't want--our fears--especially of repeating mistakes or poor choices of the past. We self sabotage ourselves when something good presents itself because when you take that leap the risk is there, and I am as guilty as anyone else. But like I stated, dumped that list, and yes, granted a couple of guys that presented themselves were more nonsense than they were worth, but I cussed them out and dropped them faster than the drama they could spew got started. An awesome side effect to getting rid of the list. Instead of saying I can date him for a while and that will annoy me more later. Nope. Bye. However, in case you missed it. I also met a couple guys that have a lot of positives. I'm not saying that any of the ones that showed potential this year are the "right" one, but I think my odds--just by my own outlook--have gone up exponentially. So while this is a tall order, and a promise that might be much harder than any of them I made myself last year or any year for that matter, I think I owe it to myself--and my friend's memory. He thought the sun rose and set in me. While I have always thought that was seriously overkill, and even a bit overwhelming, I have to admit that as intelligent as he was, he couldn't have been completely wrong. So I promise myself that if the "right" relationship presents itself I will actually be "all in".
That's it. I think that last one is a doozie, so I think 3 is all I can handle this year. I wish all my friends a very Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays for my Wicca, agnostic, Jewish, et ales friends, and for all of you a very Happy New Year and best wishes for a very wonderful and fruitful 2017.
So first, what promises did I keep? More concerts--EPIC SUCCESS!! Duran Duran. Seriously. Who cares what other concerts I made? I actually saw Rick Springfield and entourage that included Night Ranger and the Romantics. And I saw a lot more local and regional bands!! Which truth be told is my favorite thing to do over riding my motorcycle. Love, love, love live music!! Enjoy my life, even if I don't have someone to share it with. Well, another success! I did manage to spend a small fortune on taking friends with me that couldn't afford to do the things that I like to do. I went to Charlotte for a race, and of course, did Darlington again this year!! Granted I've kind of decided that if you can't afford to go, I may or may not be willing to foot the bill. Some people prove to be very, very unappreciative and even weasel out of the things they said they would pay for. Neither here nor there! It was awesome!! I enjoyed every minute regardless because the one thing that I definitely had learned in 2015 was that you decide if someone else is going to ruin your good time. And no one is ruining my good time anymore when I'm doing something special. Still don't understand why anyone would do this--create drama or an argument to ruin what otherwise would be an awesome memory. But, I just don't actually care why anymore. If we need to argue it out, we can do that after we get home and by then guess what? Who cares? Because the good times overcast whatever wasn't "right". More time with friends? Hell yes!! I went to St Patty's in Savannah with one of my best friends to visit another best friend and his girlfriend!! We had so much fun!!! By spending more time with my friends, I found out which ones weren't worthy also. That's good though. It was a year to spend with real friends--and that means weeding out the less worthy. There are some friends that I will go out of my way for. And if you are one of the friends that survived this year and still hear from me fairly regularly, well, count yourself in that group. I'm a loyal and dedicated friend--but another 2015 lesson--only to those that prove loyal to me. To those that have been, thank you!! I love you even if we only talk a couple times a year!! Less time doing what other people want me to do. I have spent the last 20 years of my life doing what everyone else wanted to do. I like to just follow sometimes. It's easy and I'm not really a picky person, but damn it. What I learned in 2015 was that some people will take advantage of that to the nines. Everyone needs someone that respects what they want to do at least once in a while. I do a lot for others when I can, but I finally learned that doing for myself isn't a damn crime. This year really helped me redefine those limits. I'm very proud of myself. The biggest, most major, beyond epic success?!?!? Less time with draining people!! Like I said some people don't hear from me anymore at all. They don't realize what a drain they can be. It has to be their way. Or they are drunks. Or they just backstab the hell out of other people in front of me which means it's likely they are backstabbing the hell out of me when I'm not there making sure they are behaving themselves. WTH. Well, no, not WTH. Buh, buh, bye. So that's 6 out of 10 promises that I have been super at this year!! YAY ME!!!
What 4 did I miss? Beach. Didn't go to the beach once this year. Who cares? I went to two races, concerts, rode my motorcycle whenever I wanted. Hiking. No, didn't do that this year either. Okay so those are so minor, plus so easily moved to 2017. Germany. Well, Morg is going to be in Germany until the summer....so yes, technically another one easily moved to 2017. And the final promise, finish my novel. Well, it's halfway done. So for someone working full time and living my life my way and working on a non-profit for vets with PTSD. I'm thinking I've done pretty good getting it halfway. So moving the completion to 2017 isn't a failure by any means.
So what promises for this year? Well, let's see.
1. We'll bunch the superficial ones into one. Go hiking more. Go to the beach. Go to the Joe for the last Red Wings season at the Joe. Go to a Clemson game in Death Valley. Go to a bowl game. Go to my brother's wedding. Go to more concerts. Go to Darlington again. Maybe try Bristol or the Brickyard 400 this year. Drags in Charlotte or Atlanta. Roller coasters--another favorite thing. Maybe this is the year to do Sturgis!!
2. Visit more friends that live elsewhere. I have friends in Arkansas, Florida, Tennessee, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Kansas, Hawaii, Italy, Illinois, Wisconsin, California....Let's consider this a success if I get to 3 this year. Sounds do-able.
3. So this one. I've thought about it, a lot. I don't actually want a bad relationship, but I don't actually want to be alone either. I got rid of the nightmare list in 2016 I had been keeping for the last decade that seemed more counterproductive to meeting the "right" guy. Granted with a lot of poking and proding from my sister, and a couple of my best friends. I now focus on the positives of someone, rather than looking for my way out. If I need a way out, I don't need to be with "that" guy. But I also know that I've met a couple guys over the last year that I wouldn't need an "out". That stupid list was actually hurting more than it helped. As of February this year, I would've been married. I've wrote about it before. One of my best friends wanted to marry me for over 15 years. Until he died a couple years back. We had agreed that we would marry for his 50th birthday if we were both still single. That would be this February. If he had been the "one", I would've married him one of the several times that he asked. But, again, maybe that has been counterproductive too. I always had that fall back plan--my safety net. Of course, it really hit me this year that net is gone. I don't want the wrong relationship, and that would've been the "wrong" one, but getting rid of the list. Well, I've realized the "right" relationship isn't that hard to find. We make it hard because we keep dwelling on what we don't want--our fears--especially of repeating mistakes or poor choices of the past. We self sabotage ourselves when something good presents itself because when you take that leap the risk is there, and I am as guilty as anyone else. But like I stated, dumped that list, and yes, granted a couple of guys that presented themselves were more nonsense than they were worth, but I cussed them out and dropped them faster than the drama they could spew got started. An awesome side effect to getting rid of the list. Instead of saying I can date him for a while and that will annoy me more later. Nope. Bye. However, in case you missed it. I also met a couple guys that have a lot of positives. I'm not saying that any of the ones that showed potential this year are the "right" one, but I think my odds--just by my own outlook--have gone up exponentially. So while this is a tall order, and a promise that might be much harder than any of them I made myself last year or any year for that matter, I think I owe it to myself--and my friend's memory. He thought the sun rose and set in me. While I have always thought that was seriously overkill, and even a bit overwhelming, I have to admit that as intelligent as he was, he couldn't have been completely wrong. So I promise myself that if the "right" relationship presents itself I will actually be "all in".
That's it. I think that last one is a doozie, so I think 3 is all I can handle this year. I wish all my friends a very Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays for my Wicca, agnostic, Jewish, et ales friends, and for all of you a very Happy New Year and best wishes for a very wonderful and fruitful 2017.
Friday, December 16, 2016
Sex can save your sanity?
There's nothing I hate more than being up in the middle of the night for no reason. There's plenty of good reasons to be up in the middle of the night. No reason is certainly not one of them. I'm probably pretty fortunate since this doesn't happen to me very much. So what to do? Well, what the hell, I'll write for you. Now, since there's no reason I'm up, I'm not sure what to write about. Well, that's probably bullshit. I've got all kinds of things to write about. But which subject in the middle of the night? Well, that's pretty damn simple since earlier today I saw this post about lack of sex being related to mental health issues like depression, anxiety and paranoia. I can't argue with that. Sounds "sound" to me, but is it really sound?
First, before you younger girls that have rode more bulls and ponies than a rodeo cowboy, no, sweetie. It is not a good idea for you to start screwing everything in town. There are endorphins that release during sex that are the same as the ones when you eat chocolate. This is caused by oxytocin and it is related to making us feel "happy". Problem is that the drop from that euphoria is different with sex rather than chocolate. There's really no guilt from having a little piece of chocolate unless you are unhappy with your weight--and even then I have never felt that guilty after scarfing down a Snickers bar. However, there is a lot of negative emotions that can follow sex. Anyone that has ever slept with an ex and then laid there thinking "what the hell was I thinking?" absolutely can understand that. So random sexual encounters can cause a lot of hidden stress on you. I used to have a friend that had a lot of random partners. One, she aged faster than the rest of us for the most part. But even when she seemed happy there was an emptiness and a bit of jealousy whenever any of our group had a boyfriend. The negative emotions just aren't worth it.
But still, is there any "science" behind the idea that sex helps you feel more emotionally healthy? Well, certainly the release of oxytocin is some amount of proof. Oxytocin is actually a hormone that results in the release of endorphins. Oxytocin itself is related to child birth--it helps contract the muscles in a woman's abdomen, and for men, it helps with testosterone and sperm release. But, it's called the "cuddle hormone"? Yes, because when positive things, like having fun with your dog--assuming you love your dog--can increase the oxytocin also. Of course, there are all the positives associated with oxytocin, but there is a study that shows that oxytocin release was also released with negative association with men that had "mommy issues"--aka. negative bonding experiences. The end result is the exact opposite of the "cuddle" reputation that oxytocin normally has. This is still an emotional hormone released in the brain so it is affected by, no surprise here, your mental state of mind. It improves your overall feeling, but the euphoria is going to be temporary. If it is associated with negative response, then the fall from the euphoria is not going to be that good. Another reason to avoid the random sex partners.
While we're on that whole random thing, keep in mind also that it's different for mentally "healthy" men versus mentally "healthy" women. Oxytocin affects bonding for both, but again, it affects men differently than it does women. In recent studies, oxytocin tends to help men identify competitive relationships while it appears to help women become more facilitating. Another words it makes men more competitive and women more accommodating. If we are talking about me, who we usually use as example, I'm pretty much happy as a clam when I'm getting laid regularly. I've stayed in a couple really crappy relationships just for the sex--bending over backwards for someone that wasn't mentally healthy. After reading the study for this paragraph, I'm thinking there might be a lot of women that do this. But I've also noticed in those "negative" relationships, that the men have once you want out become desperate to keep you under their thumb. In hindsight, the competitive nature that is released may actually be cause for that. There's plenty of sayings--regardless of mental health level that could be associated with the "competitive" streak of oxytocin. A man wants a challenge? A man only wants you when you are walking away? Even in someone that is pretty mentally healthy overall, it also can increase negative responses, bringing back early emotions that may be negative bonding experiences. There are studies now that show that it may also emphasize all emotions. It has in some studies been shown to make some too sensitive, too emotionally vulnerable. It all is going to tend to your mindset.
So is sex actually mentally healthy for you? Well, yes and no. If you are in a healthy relationship, absolutely. If you are working towards a relationship, I would say yes. If you are in an abusive relationship, it sounds like it might be counterproductive. If you're just running from random to random, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like that the "cuddle" hormone might be reeking havoc whether you're male or female--just the havoc is going to vary from person to person based on your own emotional state. I don't think anyone could argue against sex being healthy for two people in a good relationship. But I don't think sex is going to be making anyone insane sane. :)
First, before you younger girls that have rode more bulls and ponies than a rodeo cowboy, no, sweetie. It is not a good idea for you to start screwing everything in town. There are endorphins that release during sex that are the same as the ones when you eat chocolate. This is caused by oxytocin and it is related to making us feel "happy". Problem is that the drop from that euphoria is different with sex rather than chocolate. There's really no guilt from having a little piece of chocolate unless you are unhappy with your weight--and even then I have never felt that guilty after scarfing down a Snickers bar. However, there is a lot of negative emotions that can follow sex. Anyone that has ever slept with an ex and then laid there thinking "what the hell was I thinking?" absolutely can understand that. So random sexual encounters can cause a lot of hidden stress on you. I used to have a friend that had a lot of random partners. One, she aged faster than the rest of us for the most part. But even when she seemed happy there was an emptiness and a bit of jealousy whenever any of our group had a boyfriend. The negative emotions just aren't worth it.
But still, is there any "science" behind the idea that sex helps you feel more emotionally healthy? Well, certainly the release of oxytocin is some amount of proof. Oxytocin is actually a hormone that results in the release of endorphins. Oxytocin itself is related to child birth--it helps contract the muscles in a woman's abdomen, and for men, it helps with testosterone and sperm release. But, it's called the "cuddle hormone"? Yes, because when positive things, like having fun with your dog--assuming you love your dog--can increase the oxytocin also. Of course, there are all the positives associated with oxytocin, but there is a study that shows that oxytocin release was also released with negative association with men that had "mommy issues"--aka. negative bonding experiences. The end result is the exact opposite of the "cuddle" reputation that oxytocin normally has. This is still an emotional hormone released in the brain so it is affected by, no surprise here, your mental state of mind. It improves your overall feeling, but the euphoria is going to be temporary. If it is associated with negative response, then the fall from the euphoria is not going to be that good. Another reason to avoid the random sex partners.
While we're on that whole random thing, keep in mind also that it's different for mentally "healthy" men versus mentally "healthy" women. Oxytocin affects bonding for both, but again, it affects men differently than it does women. In recent studies, oxytocin tends to help men identify competitive relationships while it appears to help women become more facilitating. Another words it makes men more competitive and women more accommodating. If we are talking about me, who we usually use as example, I'm pretty much happy as a clam when I'm getting laid regularly. I've stayed in a couple really crappy relationships just for the sex--bending over backwards for someone that wasn't mentally healthy. After reading the study for this paragraph, I'm thinking there might be a lot of women that do this. But I've also noticed in those "negative" relationships, that the men have once you want out become desperate to keep you under their thumb. In hindsight, the competitive nature that is released may actually be cause for that. There's plenty of sayings--regardless of mental health level that could be associated with the "competitive" streak of oxytocin. A man wants a challenge? A man only wants you when you are walking away? Even in someone that is pretty mentally healthy overall, it also can increase negative responses, bringing back early emotions that may be negative bonding experiences. There are studies now that show that it may also emphasize all emotions. It has in some studies been shown to make some too sensitive, too emotionally vulnerable. It all is going to tend to your mindset.
So is sex actually mentally healthy for you? Well, yes and no. If you are in a healthy relationship, absolutely. If you are working towards a relationship, I would say yes. If you are in an abusive relationship, it sounds like it might be counterproductive. If you're just running from random to random, it doesn't sound like it. It sounds like that the "cuddle" hormone might be reeking havoc whether you're male or female--just the havoc is going to vary from person to person based on your own emotional state. I don't think anyone could argue against sex being healthy for two people in a good relationship. But I don't think sex is going to be making anyone insane sane. :)
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Just the right amount of asshole for your crazy....
Do people not date anymore? I know plenty of people that are happily married that have "date nights". Seems like having "dates" makes better relationships. So why is it that some people don't date anymore? Dating takes work. I know plenty of people that meet in a bar, hang out in the bar together, go home, have sex and often it blooms into a relationship. Then next thing you know their relationship is over. Well, at some point, this has to turn into a real relationship. Hanging out at the bar isn't what most people view as a relationship. At some point, they expect the relationship to go somewhere, but after you remove the group, the boose, the noise, the atmosphere, they have really nothing to talk about. My last relationship started this way and pretty much ended when I no longer wanted to hang in the bar in order to keep the relationship. Very few of us, male or female, can hang day in and day out in a bar. But it's where most people meet anymore. In fact, "dating" experts actually now recommend hanging out in a sports bar once in a while if you're a woman hoping to meet the right guy. Big change from 20 years ago where they told women to stay out of the bars if you wanted to meet a nice guy. It's not that nice guys don't go to the bar. It's that nice guys don't hang out in the bar day in and day out. And well, nice guys still date, and so do the ones that aren't the type you want to date. What? Yes, men and women still date--it's just that dating is difficult.
Why so difficult? Well, one of you has to actually want to get to know the other person. A date requires conversation--dinner, lunch, coffee, going to a museum, pretty much even if you go to a movie or some kind of show, you're actually going to have to talk in the vehicle on the way there and the way back. Talking and getting to know someone else is really pretty difficult for many people. Alcohol removes these inhibitions. The fear of saying the wrong thing or being concerned with how the other person views you kind of disappears, but too much interferes with you being able to remember what you are finding out about the other person. So I'm not saying that you don't have a drink or even go to a bar on a date, but a date does actually require you to focus on the person that you are with, not your friends that just walked in or that greener grass that you haven't had the nerve to show interest in until you had competition for them sitting there "supporting" your ego. I actually had this happen. I was supposed to meet a guy--he had asked me to meet him at a local bar and maybe get something to eat later. I was running late, text him that I would be there just a bit late because of an issue that came up with my kid. I text him that I'm on my way and he texts back "okay". Next idiot that texts me "okay" I may just get into my pj's and call it a night. Why? I get there and he's chatting up two women. This didn't bother me. It was a place where at least half the bar knows everyone in the bar. Neighborhood place. So he leans in to my ear and tells me that he's being drowned with their drama. So no big deal. I tell him I'm going to wish a friend a happy birthday that is there and I'll be right back. And I was--didn't take even 3 minutes to say happy birthday and give her a hug and walk back. I stand there while now only one of the women is remaining chatting him up. I stand there for my first and a second beer. Finally, I ask him what's going on, and he shrugs, "she's a lot of drama" he tells me. I told him fine and that I was going to go sit with my friends and come over when he gets done listening to her. Eventually it was obvious that he was getting hit on. Give me a break. Now don't get me wrong. I wasn't mad. There was nothing to be mad about. Never date more asshole than you can handle--a player, someone that would actually makes plans with one woman and then pick up another--well, spare me the excuses. Likewise with women. Drop these types of people immediately. They aren't dating. They are using "dates" as crutches to make themselves more "desirable" or to prop up their weak egos by having you as a fall back plan. You can't get to know someone if they are too weak to have a conversation with you when they ask you out.
Another difficulty is that women don't typically ask men out, and most men while flattered, this still somehow attacks the male ego. There's some sort of balancing act we women are supposed to tread--one where the guy doesn't feel too afraid to ask and one where we don't become too actively interested. Don't ask me. I've asked guys out. Trust me--doesn't work. The harder you seem to get, the more interested a man is. Of course, if they perceive you as too hard to get, then they are too, for lack of a better word, afraid to tell you that they are interested. Of course, in the reverse, I know plenty of wonderful women that can't understand why they don't get asked out or when they do it's some jerk like I posted in the previous paragraph. Well, jerks have way more ego--or maybe they've been shot down so much they've become inoculated to it. Most guys have to feel like the risk of asking in the first place isn't going to be a huge shotgun to the ego. They don't want to feel stupid anymore than women do. It's a gamble no matter whether male or female. You don't know until you try, but if you get burned often enough accepting dates with jerks or being shot down, well, it just becomes that more difficult to want to try to go out with anyone.
But here's the main reason you're not going on dates. You're not expecting it and/or you're not requiring it for yourself. "Hooking up" or "hanging out with a group" has taken over the dating concept. Only it's not dating. Dating takes work--hanging out doesn't. Dating means that you want to put your best foot forward and you are presenting yourself as a real possibility. Hanging out is hoping it all falls together without any work. Now, here's the funny part--when you date someone that has real potential, maybe "the one" if you believe in that, it does just fall together without much work. I joke with my friends "all women can be crazy to some level and all men can be assholes to some point, so don't date more crazy than your asshole can handle". I believe cheating dogs, male or female version, tend to be so crazy or such assholes that they can't get enough of the balance without having more than one. Don't feel bad that you weren't crazy or asshole enough. But one thing about those types is they love the "hanging out" and "hooking up" if you let them. Plenty of outs that way. Now, here's a shocker--if you are like me--a dating type, someone who genuinely tries to get to know the other person, those types will actually succumb to "dating" just to make you happy--for a time. So don't think that all of the sudden you start requiring dating time that the person you are dating is actually "dating" you. You'll figure it out in time if they aren't. If you're really lucky, they'll let you know like that idiot in the first paragraph did. Oh and don't think that I didn't at least give him a second chance--a colossal waste of my time, but yea, so no, I'm not immune. I'm perfectly capable of ignoring my own advice.
Dating is supposed to be something you both like to do. When we are younger, we are more willing to do things with someone we care about just because they like it. As we get older, dating really requires us to find someone with common ground. Our tolerance for giving up who we are for someone else goes down. I think this is a reason for a lot of divorces to be honest. One person is more demanding than the other, so the relationship becomes uneven in one person's mind. The bigger the asshole or crazy bitch, the more they are going to take and take and take, but if you find the amount of crazy that matches the amount of asshole, well, things balance out. Start dating to find that match.
Why so difficult? Well, one of you has to actually want to get to know the other person. A date requires conversation--dinner, lunch, coffee, going to a museum, pretty much even if you go to a movie or some kind of show, you're actually going to have to talk in the vehicle on the way there and the way back. Talking and getting to know someone else is really pretty difficult for many people. Alcohol removes these inhibitions. The fear of saying the wrong thing or being concerned with how the other person views you kind of disappears, but too much interferes with you being able to remember what you are finding out about the other person. So I'm not saying that you don't have a drink or even go to a bar on a date, but a date does actually require you to focus on the person that you are with, not your friends that just walked in or that greener grass that you haven't had the nerve to show interest in until you had competition for them sitting there "supporting" your ego. I actually had this happen. I was supposed to meet a guy--he had asked me to meet him at a local bar and maybe get something to eat later. I was running late, text him that I would be there just a bit late because of an issue that came up with my kid. I text him that I'm on my way and he texts back "okay". Next idiot that texts me "okay" I may just get into my pj's and call it a night. Why? I get there and he's chatting up two women. This didn't bother me. It was a place where at least half the bar knows everyone in the bar. Neighborhood place. So he leans in to my ear and tells me that he's being drowned with their drama. So no big deal. I tell him I'm going to wish a friend a happy birthday that is there and I'll be right back. And I was--didn't take even 3 minutes to say happy birthday and give her a hug and walk back. I stand there while now only one of the women is remaining chatting him up. I stand there for my first and a second beer. Finally, I ask him what's going on, and he shrugs, "she's a lot of drama" he tells me. I told him fine and that I was going to go sit with my friends and come over when he gets done listening to her. Eventually it was obvious that he was getting hit on. Give me a break. Now don't get me wrong. I wasn't mad. There was nothing to be mad about. Never date more asshole than you can handle--a player, someone that would actually makes plans with one woman and then pick up another--well, spare me the excuses. Likewise with women. Drop these types of people immediately. They aren't dating. They are using "dates" as crutches to make themselves more "desirable" or to prop up their weak egos by having you as a fall back plan. You can't get to know someone if they are too weak to have a conversation with you when they ask you out.
Another difficulty is that women don't typically ask men out, and most men while flattered, this still somehow attacks the male ego. There's some sort of balancing act we women are supposed to tread--one where the guy doesn't feel too afraid to ask and one where we don't become too actively interested. Don't ask me. I've asked guys out. Trust me--doesn't work. The harder you seem to get, the more interested a man is. Of course, if they perceive you as too hard to get, then they are too, for lack of a better word, afraid to tell you that they are interested. Of course, in the reverse, I know plenty of wonderful women that can't understand why they don't get asked out or when they do it's some jerk like I posted in the previous paragraph. Well, jerks have way more ego--or maybe they've been shot down so much they've become inoculated to it. Most guys have to feel like the risk of asking in the first place isn't going to be a huge shotgun to the ego. They don't want to feel stupid anymore than women do. It's a gamble no matter whether male or female. You don't know until you try, but if you get burned often enough accepting dates with jerks or being shot down, well, it just becomes that more difficult to want to try to go out with anyone.
But here's the main reason you're not going on dates. You're not expecting it and/or you're not requiring it for yourself. "Hooking up" or "hanging out with a group" has taken over the dating concept. Only it's not dating. Dating takes work--hanging out doesn't. Dating means that you want to put your best foot forward and you are presenting yourself as a real possibility. Hanging out is hoping it all falls together without any work. Now, here's the funny part--when you date someone that has real potential, maybe "the one" if you believe in that, it does just fall together without much work. I joke with my friends "all women can be crazy to some level and all men can be assholes to some point, so don't date more crazy than your asshole can handle". I believe cheating dogs, male or female version, tend to be so crazy or such assholes that they can't get enough of the balance without having more than one. Don't feel bad that you weren't crazy or asshole enough. But one thing about those types is they love the "hanging out" and "hooking up" if you let them. Plenty of outs that way. Now, here's a shocker--if you are like me--a dating type, someone who genuinely tries to get to know the other person, those types will actually succumb to "dating" just to make you happy--for a time. So don't think that all of the sudden you start requiring dating time that the person you are dating is actually "dating" you. You'll figure it out in time if they aren't. If you're really lucky, they'll let you know like that idiot in the first paragraph did. Oh and don't think that I didn't at least give him a second chance--a colossal waste of my time, but yea, so no, I'm not immune. I'm perfectly capable of ignoring my own advice.
Dating is supposed to be something you both like to do. When we are younger, we are more willing to do things with someone we care about just because they like it. As we get older, dating really requires us to find someone with common ground. Our tolerance for giving up who we are for someone else goes down. I think this is a reason for a lot of divorces to be honest. One person is more demanding than the other, so the relationship becomes uneven in one person's mind. The bigger the asshole or crazy bitch, the more they are going to take and take and take, but if you find the amount of crazy that matches the amount of asshole, well, things balance out. Start dating to find that match.
Friday, December 2, 2016
Group Think or Broadened Horizons
Let's face it. I've never marched to the beat of any drum other than my own. My family while proud of my military service now certainly never wanted me to choose that. Even when I was in the military I didn't receive accolades for towing the line. I was an outside the box thinker and that was actually a huge plus in the military. I've never needed, nor desired, everyone to agree with me. It occurred to me at a very young age I didn't think like most people. I liked to form my own opinion about people and things, regardless of "warnings" or negative feedback from others about anyone or anything. If I liked you, it didn't matter that 10 people I also was friends with didn't like you, and as some can attest to even to this day, I'd give up ten "friends" demanding I not be friends with someone. I didn't like being bullied as a kid, so it's probably of little surprise that I do not like it as an adult. Bullied? Yes, that's what we call it when group think takes over... We also use terms like mob mentality, "mean girls", and fascism.
Is that a little over dramatic? No, it's just a slippery slope where once on that slide many people can't, and even a lot of the times, don't want to get off. Group think starts very simply. For example, you hang with Joe and Bob. The three of you all think that the same thing about cheerleaders. Cheerleaders are all good looking, dumber than a box of rocks, and slutty. Joe may think the slutty part more than you. However, Joe is your buddy. You don't really have any reason to disagree with him. It is just easier to keep the peace. Besides, what does it matter if you agree or not. Eventually Joe has surrounded himself and you with people that either agree with him or just don't want to argue the point. You start to realize that even the people that won't argue the point, although initially opposed to his idea that all cheerleaders are whores are now mimicking his rhetoric. That's group think. You begin to think as the group agrees or acquiesces to. It is an unfortunate part of human nature.
Some of us have a pack mentality and we can take that pack mentality to extremes. Cults are a great example of the extreme. Of course, everyone knows that there is some amount of brainwashing that goes on with cults. Never happen to us, right? We're not going to be brainwashed, but that's already happening in the example with Joe and the cheerleaders. You have given whatever your opinion is or was through consistent feedback supporting, or seemingly supporting, of Joe's opinion. Joe's opinion has become fact for your group. That's all fine and dandy. But who cares about the cheerleaders anyway? It's just an example. Yet, I bet you, knowing my readership base, are are always confused by people that burn their neighborhood and loot in protest. Admittedly, no matter how we look at it, it seems ridiculous. Nonsensical. Yet it occurs over and over. And no, not just blacks. This has been a common occurrence over centuries, even here in the USA with common white folk in the early 1900s when there were no labor laws to protect the average workers. But still, even then, completely ridiculous. Yet as a group begins to anger, it's a proven fact over and over, eventually the anger becomes its own force. One person throws something--a punch, a chair, a rock, whatever-- and the feeding frenzy begins. Average everyday human beings turn into piranha. And no, it doesn't have to be anger about an issue. I'm sure some remember people literally beating the crap out of each other for Cabbage Patch Kids?? A Christmas present for their kids and they literally lost their damn minds fighting over them. A group can quickly become a mob, especially when they feel like they are the majority or that they all are wanting a limited amount of something. People have trampled other people to run away from something. The pack just takes off and pays no attention to what we would normally view as acceptable behavior.
Well, you're not one of those people, but really? Ask yourself these questions: When someone disagrees with you do you immediately ask someone else who agrees with you to "help" you "win" the discussion? Do you pretty much have only friends who agree with you on pretty much most stuff? Most people? I know plenty of very educated people that maintain only people like themselves as friends. They don't have the ability to make nice with people that don't share their beliefs and opinions. How am I friends with them? Because I share some of their opinions, but I can tell you that many of them when they get irate with me over something we disagree on--well, we are never going to be real friends. Do I care if they don't want to be friends anymore? No, actually it's a big relief. I had one friend who literally threaten another friend because they had two different opinions--opposed opinions. I had a totally different opinion than either of them, but the one "friend" got pissed at me because if I didn't agree with him and in his mind that meant I had to agree with the other friend. Needless to say, he and I are no longer friends and we had been good friends for a while. You do not threaten someone just because they disagree with you. Geez. But he was so entrenched with like minded friends, other than me, that he couldn't see how anyone could be friends and not agree. He literally carried his group think with him at all times.
Am I immune to group think? I don't think anyone is immune. You have to actively make the effort to expand your mind and intentionally maintain friends with people who are different than you. I'm not sure how easy that is for some people. For those that use the Myers & Briggs system in personality assessment--the overall mix of the 16 personality types seems like you easily would find people like you since Myers & Briggs Foundation shows that is seems like a relatively even mix. We all know this is ridiculous. We know that 2% of the population are gifted--you can drop them in the worst neighborhood, in the worst school, with nothing to help them excel--and yet, if they are part of that 2% they will excel. A system used by many companies, Enneagram Institute's personality indicators divides us into 256 personalities with 9 basic types instead of 16 based on 4 basics. Now, when we think about that--bam! Now we understand why it might be easy for some to find people that match them and difficult for others--It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize 256 different personalities would more easily explain why some of us find it difficult to associate with people different than ourselves. Should we try? I don't know. It depends on you. I always try. It helps me learn more and I still want to learn something new everyday. If you have to have that support, can't be open to other people's points of view, need other people to agree with you on everything, then it's probably not for you. I'd love to tell you to try, but if you are thinking about trying, then don't worry. You're not one of the people that can't. You're just one of the people that never thought about it. It's a step to getting away from being at risk for group think, mob mentality and the negative impacts they can have. Exchange of ideas and broadened horizons are on the other side of that effort. Well worth the effort if you can do it.
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