The holidays are hard on everyone. Some of us have to deal with being reminded that we are alone. How we cope with being alone is different for each of us, but there are some similarities too. If you are like me, you spend more time with friends, more time cooking, more time drinking, and more time trying to avoid "catching" feelings for anyone. Those of us that are single but have been hurt before tend to be jumpy--we go between wanting to be with someone and wanting to run away. We want to find the right person, but we don't trust ourselves to choose the right person. And even if we do trust ourselves enough to take the risk, the holidays actually remind us that we made the mistake before. It can sometimes be overwhelming.
In my case, I never wanted to get married. I left a fiance in the lurch to join the military--literally on a whim. I just wanted to see the world, live my life, never have anyone telling me what to do or when to do it. I saw a relationship as a non-starter. When I started dating my ex-husband, that all went out the window. I did what a lot of us do when we fall in love; I was that "ride or die" girl. I had his back no matter what. Until I caught him cheating on me. I was devastated and broken. Someone once said to me that my relationship with him was the biggest mistake of my life. I actually even felt that way for a time, and even in some ways, I still feel like trusting him was a big mistake. But then I look at our boys and I know. It was a great mistake. I wouldn't have them without him. I mean sure, I might have had children with someone else eventually, but my boys? No. I wouldn't have them. Without him, they wouldn't exist. What is meant to be will be.
But can you count on what is supposed to be will be? I'm not sure about that. I wish I could be, but we never really know. If you believe the basics of quantum mechanics, then it stands to reason that yes, what is meant to be will be. But only certain points in time are "meant to be". Pinnacle points in time have to happen--but how they happen, when they happen, in what order--that can vary. So let's say I was supposed to meet someone but he wasn't going to be ready when I was or vice versa. Basically we'll call this point A in my life. I'm supposed to meet this amazing guy who would be the world to me and vice versa. Now let's say there are 5 of these fixed points in my life and everything else is fluid. So there's A, and B, C, D, E also. We like to think that these points would go from A to B to C to D to E. But that's because our minds work that way. We see things linearly. However, in truth these points don't have to happen in that order. Point E might have been the first point I got to and the rest are occurring in a different order because the time in between these points is fluid. So point A still has to happen and it doesn't necessarily happen the same way it would have if it had come first. Yes, I know confusing. But that's the most basic description. Meeting my ex might not even have been any of the 5 points. Seriously. It might have been that fluid time in between that is trying to get me to one of those points.
For example, how do you think I ended up living where I do now? At one point my ex actually wanted to move to the area I live now, 3 years before I caught him cheating. He wasn't from this area; he had met some people--a band through a friend of his. My rebound relationship--and the guy turns out to be from near by and he convinces me to move here. I have never had a sister--but the person that most people know as my sister I met within a year or so of moving here. Her family was from the same town as my mother's parents. Her husband, well, remember that fiance I left in the lurch? Her husband used to babysit him. Their families owned adjacent farms in Michigan. I moved north after graduating from Clemson in spite of my sister trying to convince me not to. Her mother died while I was up there, so I was there to lend support for the funeral. Then I moved west and I realized that the only place I ever felt like I was home was here. I came back and I've told my kids I won't leave here again.
Do I think my "Prince Charming" is here? I don't know. I just know that I'm not going anywhere else. Do I think your prince or princess is where you are? I don't know that either. All I know is that every mistake I've made in my life--including my ex--has resulted in me learning something or being there for someone or something. Of course, that's always all in hindsight. But every "mistake" I've made led me here, so I have to think that there must be some rhyme or reason behind that. Fate, God, quantum mechanics, whatever. So I'm thinking my point A, my Prince Charming, my unicorn is probably a point that couldn't happen when I would have liked it to. Simple as that.
Am I afraid of falling in love again? No. Am I afraid of trusting someone again like I did my ex? Yes. I was all in. I trusted him implicitly. That is not something that I have had the ability to do since. So why? Well, trust is earned once you've been burned. But that doesn't mean that I have to push anyone away anymore because well I can't find out if they are trustworthy without giving them the chance to prove themselves. That applies to friends and even more so to someone that you might want to fall in love with. Friends develop over time into better friends or people that you wouldn't trust as far as you could throw them. So the only difference with falling in love is that at some point you decide you are all in. I wrote in a previous blog that you should find the right amount of crazy for your asshole or vice versa. How will I know that if I don't take a chance when I meet someone I like? I won't. And neither will you. We have to take a chance or we'll never find out if the person in front of us is the right or wrong person.
There's an argument that we have no choice when the right person comes along, and yet, all the time in between is fluid. So even when the right person presents themselves, you, me, anyone of us, has to make the choice to try again. That's it in a nutshell. The holidays always, always, always, remind us of our mistakes. But that is not how it's supposed to be. So this Christmas try and remind yourself of the things that you've done right or that turned out right even when you think it all went to hell. Because everything happens for a reason even if it happens differently than expected. Oh and have a very Merry Christmas!
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