Do people not date anymore? I know plenty of people that are happily married that have "date nights". Seems like having "dates" makes better relationships. So why is it that some people don't date anymore? Dating takes work. I know plenty of people that meet in a bar, hang out in the bar together, go home, have sex and often it blooms into a relationship. Then next thing you know their relationship is over. Well, at some point, this has to turn into a real relationship. Hanging out at the bar isn't what most people view as a relationship. At some point, they expect the relationship to go somewhere, but after you remove the group, the boose, the noise, the atmosphere, they have really nothing to talk about. My last relationship started this way and pretty much ended when I no longer wanted to hang in the bar in order to keep the relationship. Very few of us, male or female, can hang day in and day out in a bar. But it's where most people meet anymore. In fact, "dating" experts actually now recommend hanging out in a sports bar once in a while if you're a woman hoping to meet the right guy. Big change from 20 years ago where they told women to stay out of the bars if you wanted to meet a nice guy. It's not that nice guys don't go to the bar. It's that nice guys don't hang out in the bar day in and day out. And well, nice guys still date, and so do the ones that aren't the type you want to date. What? Yes, men and women still date--it's just that dating is difficult.
Why so difficult? Well, one of you has to actually want to get to know the other person. A date requires conversation--dinner, lunch, coffee, going to a museum, pretty much even if you go to a movie or some kind of show, you're actually going to have to talk in the vehicle on the way there and the way back. Talking and getting to know someone else is really pretty difficult for many people. Alcohol removes these inhibitions. The fear of saying the wrong thing or being concerned with how the other person views you kind of disappears, but too much interferes with you being able to remember what you are finding out about the other person. So I'm not saying that you don't have a drink or even go to a bar on a date, but a date does actually require you to focus on the person that you are with, not your friends that just walked in or that greener grass that you haven't had the nerve to show interest in until you had competition for them sitting there "supporting" your ego. I actually had this happen. I was supposed to meet a guy--he had asked me to meet him at a local bar and maybe get something to eat later. I was running late, text him that I would be there just a bit late because of an issue that came up with my kid. I text him that I'm on my way and he texts back "okay". Next idiot that texts me "okay" I may just get into my pj's and call it a night. Why? I get there and he's chatting up two women. This didn't bother me. It was a place where at least half the bar knows everyone in the bar. Neighborhood place. So he leans in to my ear and tells me that he's being drowned with their drama. So no big deal. I tell him I'm going to wish a friend a happy birthday that is there and I'll be right back. And I was--didn't take even 3 minutes to say happy birthday and give her a hug and walk back. I stand there while now only one of the women is remaining chatting him up. I stand there for my first and a second beer. Finally, I ask him what's going on, and he shrugs, "she's a lot of drama" he tells me. I told him fine and that I was going to go sit with my friends and come over when he gets done listening to her. Eventually it was obvious that he was getting hit on. Give me a break. Now don't get me wrong. I wasn't mad. There was nothing to be mad about. Never date more asshole than you can handle--a player, someone that would actually makes plans with one woman and then pick up another--well, spare me the excuses. Likewise with women. Drop these types of people immediately. They aren't dating. They are using "dates" as crutches to make themselves more "desirable" or to prop up their weak egos by having you as a fall back plan. You can't get to know someone if they are too weak to have a conversation with you when they ask you out.
Another difficulty is that women don't typically ask men out, and most men while flattered, this still somehow attacks the male ego. There's some sort of balancing act we women are supposed to tread--one where the guy doesn't feel too afraid to ask and one where we don't become too actively interested. Don't ask me. I've asked guys out. Trust me--doesn't work. The harder you seem to get, the more interested a man is. Of course, if they perceive you as too hard to get, then they are too, for lack of a better word, afraid to tell you that they are interested. Of course, in the reverse, I know plenty of wonderful women that can't understand why they don't get asked out or when they do it's some jerk like I posted in the previous paragraph. Well, jerks have way more ego--or maybe they've been shot down so much they've become inoculated to it. Most guys have to feel like the risk of asking in the first place isn't going to be a huge shotgun to the ego. They don't want to feel stupid anymore than women do. It's a gamble no matter whether male or female. You don't know until you try, but if you get burned often enough accepting dates with jerks or being shot down, well, it just becomes that more difficult to want to try to go out with anyone.
But here's the main reason you're not going on dates. You're not expecting it and/or you're not requiring it for yourself. "Hooking up" or "hanging out with a group" has taken over the dating concept. Only it's not dating. Dating takes work--hanging out doesn't. Dating means that you want to put your best foot forward and you are presenting yourself as a real possibility. Hanging out is hoping it all falls together without any work. Now, here's the funny part--when you date someone that has real potential, maybe "the one" if you believe in that, it does just fall together without much work. I joke with my friends "all women can be crazy to some level and all men can be assholes to some point, so don't date more crazy than your asshole can handle". I believe cheating dogs, male or female version, tend to be so crazy or such assholes that they can't get enough of the balance without having more than one. Don't feel bad that you weren't crazy or asshole enough. But one thing about those types is they love the "hanging out" and "hooking up" if you let them. Plenty of outs that way. Now, here's a shocker--if you are like me--a dating type, someone who genuinely tries to get to know the other person, those types will actually succumb to "dating" just to make you happy--for a time. So don't think that all of the sudden you start requiring dating time that the person you are dating is actually "dating" you. You'll figure it out in time if they aren't. If you're really lucky, they'll let you know like that idiot in the first paragraph did. Oh and don't think that I didn't at least give him a second chance--a colossal waste of my time, but yea, so no, I'm not immune. I'm perfectly capable of ignoring my own advice.
Dating is supposed to be something you both like to do. When we are younger, we are more willing to do things with someone we care about just because they like it. As we get older, dating really requires us to find someone with common ground. Our tolerance for giving up who we are for someone else goes down. I think this is a reason for a lot of divorces to be honest. One person is more demanding than the other, so the relationship becomes uneven in one person's mind. The bigger the asshole or crazy bitch, the more they are going to take and take and take, but if you find the amount of crazy that matches the amount of asshole, well, things balance out. Start dating to find that match.
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