Tuesday, January 24, 2017
I've reached my limit...Shut it Aunt Tom...
So the women's march....We are not equal. It isn't democrat. In fact, women that voted for Trump actually marched too. Yep, look it up. It isn't republican. It isn't liberal politics. It isn't conservative politics. It isn't politics at all. They want women to believe it is. They want everyone to believe it is. They wanted in the 70s for women to believe that the only women that wanted "equal" were dykes. In the 80s, we, mostly GenX, bought this bullshit because we were told to. But GenX women were raped at rates of 3 out of 4--75%. We almost all knew our assailant. Millenials are raped at a rate of 3 out of 5. We are not equal. That's not equal. We would love to pretend we are. It's not even close. And, before you pat yourself on the back because of some shitty meme you saw telling you what men who rape complete strangers are looking for...Guess what? Rape by an unknown assailant is still less than 12%. Women do not normally get raped by people we don't know. Your daughters, your granddaughters get raped by someone they know at 3 out of 5. You have 5 granddaughters? Odds are 3, yes 3, will be raped before they are 25. You can bitch about how the most recent attempt at bringing women's rights to the forefront is about a man. No. It's about defending our daughters, our granddaughters and other women.
Oh, yes, the women's march. It was only the next try in the last 50 years. The women's march has been done over and over and over. Look up the Million Man march. You'll see all kinds of photos and articles for the black version of the million man march. The original, look up 1920s Million Man March. You'll find hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of when the KKK marched on Washington. Bet many didn't even know that there were 2 Million Man marches. Yet, women have marched on Washington in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, the first 10 years of the new millennium AND this past weekend. Do a search. Good luck finding any information on those other ones. This is probably the only one that you'll find any information about. So, the current President said some really nasty things about women during the election. The women that planned the march, well, they decided to take advantage of the media coverage. Can you blame them? We've been lucky to get local coverage--national? Pish posh. But this time, we got national and a lot of it, and if that brings a lot of the inequities and issues with women's rights to the attention of people who have literally spent decades ignoring it, then that's a good thing.
When Nancy Reagan attempted to speak out against rape, allowing women to choose how our bodies were treated, and pushing for laws to make date rape a felony, the women, the Baby Boomer women, that could have made a difference were too busy with their "freed" sexuality to give a shit about their daughters or granddaughters. There were still blue book laws that said their husbands could rape them legally even if separated. They didn't want to talk about rape. And when you did, it was always the woman's fault for being raped. Baby Boomer women had a chance to change it, but it was the Nancy Reagan generation, the Silent Generation women that made the last real changes. When they left the political scene, the changes stopped. The last blue book law allowing a man to rape his wife was eliminated in 1991. Shortly before the end of the last Silent Generation Presidency--Bush Sr.
The estimate is that 95-97% of all Baby Boomer women were raped. GenX estimates are at 75%. And our children, your grandchildren, granddaughters, they estimate 3 out of 5--60%. I don't know how anyone could find that acceptable. I find it nauseating. How is it okay that 60% of women under the age of 25 (because that's what they always base these stats on) will or have been raped? Oh right. I forgot. That victim is the perpetrator logic. We asked for it. They asked for it. You asked for it. Maybe the Baby Boomers did, but I promise GenX didn't and neither are the Millennials or subsequent generations. If a woman reported rape in the 80s and 90s, they were guaranteed to be ostracized. Guaranteed to be blamed. And worse, since 88% of all rapes are by someone we know, the rape victims were often portrayed as liars that wanted it but cried wolf after because this or that or whatever--some lame brain idiotic thing meant to make the victim into a villain--as if being raped wasn't bad enough. We, women, men, all of us, have failed miserably and many women are still making excuses that put other women in their places like some twisted version of Munchhausen syndrome. But if you are a grandmother of Millennials, think about this one: If you have 5 granddaughters, current statistics say 3 of them will be raped. Are you ready to stop playing Aunt Toms and start defending other women for the sake of your granddaughters?
Oh I know. Many of them argue it's not the same anymore. Rapists go to prison. No, they don't. 97% of all men arrested for rape never spend a single day in jail. That's right NINETY SEVEN PERCENT. 994 out of 1000 charged rapists never will see the inside of a jail cell. Let that sink in. Hell, just last year, a star college tennis player or track or whatever, raped a girl he saw at a party by drugging her and following her. Two other men caught him, held him until police arrived, testified at this jerk's trial, and he got 6 months. Even more heinous, reduced to 3 months for good behavior. GOOD BEHAVIOR? What message do you think this kind of crap sends to young women? Hell, any women?
How does this stuff still happen? The Aunt Toms. You know those women that ask what she was wearing. Ask why was she even at that party. What kind of student was she? What kind of family does she have? Just love that one. Like if she came from a poor family she might be asking for it more than a rich girl would. How come she was alone? Insinuating that being alone somehow is offering herself up. What kind of sexual partners has she had? Is she promiscuous? Ugh, NO is still NO no matter what she did in her past. The Aunt Toms actually will victimize the victim even more than the rapist did.
So the Aunt Toms this week wanted to make the newest women's march, all of it--the only ever to receive full national coverage from the media into some vested interest in Trump. But even women who voted for Trump, wearing their Trump hats, joined the march. Yes, fact. There were even pictures of them in the national media. The march was about women. Our rights. The things we are still denied by our own country. We no longer can be legally raped by our husbands, and we probably have a better chance of getting an abusive rapist husband convicted than we would an acquaintance or complete stranger. How sad is that? We only have a 3% chance of being given justice by our justice system. Think about that. Your daughters, your granddaughters, your friends, your loved ones--only a 3% chance of getting a conviction and justice.
This version of responding to rape: you asked for it, you wanted it, you wished, you were in the wrong place, you should've, you could've, you, you. you. It devalues another woman; it devalues all of us. This women's march, while we don't have to agree with everything some of them said or did, the facts stand. Domestic violence is still huge. Rape is still huge. The inequities in salaries are still huge. Sexual harassment is still huge. We are out of the industrialized nations on this planet number one per capita for rape. Let that sink in. Number one. We devalue our women as much and in some casees more than many extremist religious countries do.
The women that marched and many of us that didn't no longer view rape this way. The victim of rape did nothing wrong. It doesn't matter what you were wearing. We don't care if you have slept around. You have the right to say no. The #womensmarchonwashington was about all women having the right to be who you are without the fear of being treated as less. We are not meat. We have the right to equality under the law. Only 3% conviction rates or six months in a correctional facility is NOT equality under the law. We have the right to say no and the right to be believed. The Baby Boomer grandmothers would die metaphorically if they knew their granddaughters were raped. Many of them would probably die if they knew their daughters were--and the statistics are 3 out of 4 of their daughters were. What this march was about??? We stand beside you. We would fight for you and we would not back down. We are united as women to end rape. We are united to end the inequity in the law that allows almost all rapists to walk free. Here's the biggest change of all. Many men, especially those that have little girls, are just as committed to ending this now that they know the facts. Make no mistake, Aunt Toms need to leave well enough alone. You have been the problem. We are no longer okay accepting that rape is a norm for the majority of women.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Still hoping I'm wrong....
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
A refreshing shot of whiskey
Well, my personal favorite that I've heard over the last few weeks--I'm intimidating. Which here's my response: bullshit. It's got nothing to do with that. I know plenty of women that like fishing, are totally redneck, smoke, chew, cuss, dress like women, and there are plenty of memes claiming this is totally awesome. So I'm that girl who loves football, soccer, auto racing, motorcycles, cars, hockey and I dress totally like a girl. I can cuss like a sailor and prefer beer or whiskey. Pretty much still hot according to memes if you fish. So what's the difference? Oh right. The intimidation factor. What's really intimidating? I have my life together. I'm not the damsel in distress. I'm not pretending to like what any guy likes just to make him happy. But guess what? Most of the time this is all lies anyway. I know plenty of women that have told me that they love fishing. Really? Where's your favorite spots in the area? They have no idea or they prefer to fish on a boat. Oh really? Do you own a boat? Nope. Ever owned a boat? Just fish on the side of the lake off the road? Do you fish when you go out with your friends? No. NO. Nope. In fact, the only time they have ever fished is with a man. So here's what actually intimidating about me. I really don't like fishing, and I will say so. I know how. I don't need a man to go fishing. I took my boys fishing when they were younger all the time--until they about drowned me because of a fight they got into on a stream up near the North Carolina border. (Yes, the drowning is an exaggeration...but I was soaked.) I can bait a hook with corn, salmon eggs, sardines, lures, and little live bait (another one of my least favorite things in the world). I really only like to fish to drink beer or sunbathe. Yep, that's it. So you want to know what makes me intimidating? I don't like something--I simply say so.
Imagine that? Just being honest. That's me almost all the damn time--probably too honest as a couple different friends tell me. What's wrong with that? No one ever says being honest is intimidating. But that's really what it is for people that can't be honest. Why am I still single? Well, in hindsight, my stepmother and I didn't get along. My father's relationship with me was damaged for decades. Yes, that's right decades. Eventually Daddy and I made peace and even became close again. But the years we missed? Well, no reason to cry over spilled milk. Yet, in all honesty, it's probably why most guys I've dated seriously have crashed and burned. No one is interfering with my relationship with my boys. Now they are grown men, for the most part, I had always thought I would have a relationship once raising them was completed for the most part. But before that, if a guy didn't get along with my kids, or there were issues that would be bad for my kids or my relationship with my kids, my immediate response was adios, auf weidersehen, bye bye. No child deserves to be cut off from their parents--I don't care who you are, natural parent or not. The last guy I dated seriously liked drama--even dragging his own daughter into the drama once. My boys hated him. He'd brag how much they liked him to everyone--including me (which was laughable)--the whole time my boys all telling me that if I kept dating him they were not going to be around much. They learned to be honest with me because I always tried to maintain a good honest example for them.
So my boys interfere someone once asked? No. They have liked a couple of guys I've dated, but I was cautious that they didn't meet anyone until it got serious when they were younger. As my boys got older, they actually started to worry about me being alone. So most of the time, they are actually happy if I'm dating someone. The only time they aren't happy with the idea is when they observe the guy treating me like crap. Even when I dated someone who's behavior was questionable, the boys rarely observed it when they were younger. I didn't permit that in my boys life. Nothing put someone out the door faster. Is that intimidating? I hope so. When they were younger, I was the only one there for them 100% of the time, and if their needs coming first was intimidating, then so be it.
That's not to say that I don't put my significant other ahead of them when warranted or even ahead of myself. I certainly did that with the last guy I dated seriously and all that got me was a jerk who took advantage of my generosity while accusing me of taking advantage of him (when he didn't even work most of the time), treating me like crap, getting into arguments with my youngest son, my two older sons eventually hating his guts, and more drama than a teenage girl permanently on her period. Does that change that I like to be spoiled and like to do things special for someone I'm with? No. Just means that when someone proves unworthy, then it's time to cut them loose--no matter how much you don't want to be alone. Is knowing when to call it quits intimidating? Maybe. But being alone is way, way better than being miserable.
Am I interested in being a sugar mama, babying a man to the point of almost being his mother, dealing with laziness, or putting up with disrespect or a moocher? A man who said "not just no, but hell no" to a woman acting like that would never be questioned--that wouldn't be intimidating. So why would it be when a woman draws that same line? It shouldn't be. I don't want to be treated like crap and I've accomplished a lot in my life. From my point of view, I deserve the same amount of respect as any man that can say the same. It's not intimidating. It's just putting limitations on how we are willing to be treated.
So, I really don't care what anyone says about "intimidating" anymore. I have a lot of male friends. They aren't intimidated by me. So there's absolutely no way that I'm actually intimidating. There might be men that don't want a woman with her shit together. That's fine. They might not like a woman who has a lot of male friends. That's fine too. I'm not giving up my friends because a guy is too insecure to the point of being controlling. It might even bother them that I know how to change a tire, know how to change my own oil, and actually have an obsession for some sports. In all honesty, I hate changing my own oil and sports are way, way more fun when you have someone to enjoy them with. If being honest and saying when I don't like something is intimidating, oh well. If that's so intimidating, then I'm simply not your cup of tea. I'm probably someone else's refreshing shot of whiskey.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
We are not the herd....
Here's the thing. While you dumb whiny bitches, oh yes--definitely bitches, keep crying over whether you like or don't like the President elect...Guess what? It doesn't matter. If you love him, think he's going to be the best thing since George Washington himself, guess what? It doesn't matter. He doesn't have to do anything he promised to do. Why? Because you're so busy patting yourselves on the back and arguing over something that is over that you wouldn't know if he was doing what he promised or not. Stupid. Stop it. It's over. It's like watching other Raiders fans start bragging about our last Super Bowl win in 1984!!! AND I'm a Raiders fan!! You look pathetic bragging about a win that now doesn't matter again for 4 years!! I mean seriously. Do you brag about the Super Bowl win for months on end? (Other than to razz your best friend when the season starts back?) NO, of course not. That would make you look like an idiot...and yes, you look like an idiot going on and on about how proud you are of the new President elect. Know why? Because he hasn't actually done anything yet. The Super Bowl winners are winners until the next season starts. He's only just started. He's not a winner until he proves he can do the job. BAM!
Oh, and don't think for one minute I'm cutting any of you whiny Clinton fans a break here. Enough. She lost, fair and square, and you were perfectly fine if it would've been her that had won the electoral college and lost the popular vote. We all know that, because those arguments were made by your camp before election day. So guess what? Shut up. She lost. It's over, and 70% of us don't care that you got your feelings hurt because she lost. Tough twinkies. Man up. God knows you expected us to suck up another Obama win when 80% of Americans were opposed to Obamacare. Know why? Well for me and 60% of working Americans, it took our "Cadillac" plans away and made it basically illegal for our companies to even offer us them through steep fines. Oh but gave those same "Cadillac" plans to people who didn't work at all. In fact, if you actually were working, you couldn't afford the premium for the "Cadillac" plans. Nope. You actually had to be so damn poor you weren't working at all. (Know this for a fact, because a friend's income was too high and she with her two dependents was technically still lower income.) SO...shut up. That pissed us off and most of us wanted a change. It shouldn't surprise you at all that enough people were mad that Obama wasn't listening to what we wanted. Why are you whining still? Is it really because you are upset over the win? Or is it that you know that over 60% of us wanted Obama to stop doing certain things and now you realize that Trump might do the same to you? I mean really.
Now here's what both sides of the whiners have in common. You don't know when to shut up. Much like Trump. The man constantly knee jerk reacts on Twitter like a teenage girl. Oh yes, even you Trump haters, you whine as much as he tweets stupid shit--possibly more. We don't care. BUT here's the real problem with both sets of you idiots. You are making the rest of America complacent. You are helping in the dumbing down of this Great Nation. No? Basically 70% of us don't want to hear it anymore. It's a proven fact--through statistical theory that goes back more than half a century--that over time only 2% will continue to pay attention. The rest will get so sick of the rhetoric that they will just tune it all out. I'm one of the 2%. I'm watching Trump. You know why? He's the President elect, and whether you like it or not his decisions will affect all of us. Spare me the "oh the stuff they do doesn't affect my daily life" crap. All of us were impacted by Obamacare and the majority were not impacted for the better. Period. So YES, EVERYTHING they do affects us.
It's time you stop arguing over bullshit and start looking at your neighbors and realize we all have a LOT of common ground. Common ground? Yes. We ALL are sick of House Congressmen and women making $174,000 for 4 months of work. The average American makes approximately $52,0000 per year for working an average of 50 weeks a year--versus less than 20 weeks. Trump promised to end the corruption. Promised to end the pork bellies. Promised to make them do their jobs. Unless you are making the equivalent of $174K per 4 months of work, then shut up and start paying real attention to what's going on. Let me put this in perspective for you. These assholes we elect make a minimum of what would be $522,000 a year if they were actually working as hard as you do. Do you think that's fair? Oh, but you're so busy whining about Clinton's loss or whining that Trump won so brag, brag, brag, that you are failing miserably to see the forest through the trees. Trust me. They love you to do this. Why? Because the rest of us just want all of you to shut up. We don't want to hear it anymore. In the process, you are making all of us ignore what's actually going on as much as you are.
For those that are getting complacent because you don't want to hear it anymore. I'm not leaving you out. I'm one of the 2%. I'll be paying attention when you have shut it out. You are just as much the problem as anyone. You don't want to tell them to stop. You don't want to keep up with the issues anymore either. You've got everyday problems and the election is over. But, if you're like me, Obamacare did affect your every day--by affecting your paycheck, your ability to receive healthcare, and how much you have to come out of pocket if anything happens. It affected how much groceries you're buying every week. That's right. Let that sink in. And it was your complacency that let it happen. Yes, it was. When people tried to warn you to call your Representatives and Senators, did you? Most of you didn't. Most of you were too complacent to bother. Start paying attention. The President elect has been picking his Cabinet nominees. These people will affect your daily life more than any of our elected officials. Yes, fact. VA? Appointees. HUD? Appointees. Education? Appointees. Federal Reserve? They control interest rates and the dollar and guess what? Completely controlled by...APPOINTEES. Pay attention. These choices will dictate most of our daily lives for the next 4 to 8 years. Sure. You say well if you don't like it in 4 years you can vote him out. Bet you said that about Obama too. How'd that work out for us??
Maybe this will fall on deaf ears. But those of you that are being complacent, time to get up, pay attention, ignore the whiners on both sides, or better yet, grow some balls and remind them that the election is over and time to pay attention to what is going on with the new Congress and the President elect. Remind them that all their bickering is what got us into this mess in the first place. It's not us against them. It's not they are wrong and we are right, or vice versa. It's about making sure that we know that the people we elected are listening to us, that we are not us bickering or shutting down and letting them do whatever the hell they want. Time to "cowboy up" as a friend of mine likes to say and make sure wherever the people we elected are trying to drive the herd is where the herd actually wants to go. Because guess what? We are not a herd. We are human beings with inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Remember that???
Thursday, January 12, 2017
It's coming... And I know it
There was a time I made a promise to marry one of my friends. I have no doubt he loved me with the majority of his heart. But I also have no doubt that it wouldn't happen. I never imagined it wouldn't happen because he'd be gone. I actually always thought I'd be married before it ever came to fruition. Joke's on me. He's passed away and I'm not married.
Part of me thinks "shit.... You should've just married him... At least you'd have made him happy... Because..." Well because I'm the same as I was when I promised I'd marry him. I'm not talking money or things. I'm talking heart, soul. Nothing's actually changed. I'm still who I am and still dreading a real relationship. If I'd have married him, well, at least he would've been happy. I have no doubt. I could do no wrong in his eyes. I was fucking perfect. I'm not fucking perfect. I'm so imperfect that sometimes his vision of me screwed with me.
Still, there's a lot to be said about someone that thinks you're all that. Maybe he overlooked my flaws because that's what you do when you're truly in love. You can't help but make excuses for that person. But we all make excuses for our friends, right?? I love my friends for who they are even when I don't like certain things about them. Grams used to say you're in love when you find the flaws endearing. My friends... Well, I defend them in spite of flaws, I ignore flaws and I love them in spite. But endearing?
So my friend, his biggest flaw was he was a drunk. I cannot even explain to most people how bad. I've actually never met anyone else as bad. And I know a lot of drunks. I didn't find it endearing. I actually hated it. It was the only thing that kept him from being perfect. Not truly perfect, no one is truly perfect. But it was the only flaw I didn't view as endearing. I saw it as weakness, ugly, a hurdle, a deadening reminder why I got divorced in the first place. When I promised to marry him, I did so knowing I'd never marry him. I just never thought it would be because he was dead.
Truth. I thought I'd already be married. I thought I'd already have found the guy who loved me in spite of my flaws and vice versa. You know. The one who polishes your rough edges and vice versa. I'm pretty sure now he's been hit by a bus. Got caught in a cross fire. Killed in, well who cares. Just gone. There's no one that I think was him. I just figure I've spent most of my life holding out for "gone".
Positive attitude is actually one of my fortes. I'm always looking at the brightest view, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, never judging anyone for their negatives... Even when that opening often allows them to run their mouths and drum negativity against me ten fold. I don't care. I really don't. A good heart doesn't. Talk your shit because until you've lived my life... Well no one other than me can know who or what I actually am. I define me. But if I'm honest, I'm crushed. Haters happy yet?
There was never a time I was upset because I wasn't married. When my friend died, I was devastated, because he was one of my closest friends. I was... Truth be told... Slightly relieved that I didn't have to marry him. So the closer I get to next month, I know this more and more. Doesn't make me feel better overall though. Why? I thought I'd have been married by now. Yes I know. I did though. I had plenty of options--so... I just never imagined I'd reach next month and be single.
My friend was an awesome wonderful man, but I couldn't over look his flaw. Just one. I'm guessing I'm meant for someone with the same flaws and wonders that I have and someone who's flaws and wonders compliments mine. I have no idea what that is. I have a really good idea what it isn't. Who knows? If you've met me, well, you know I'm truly one of a kind. There's no one else even close. At least he knew that.
So I'm trying to cope not with the loss of my friend. I dealt with that in 2013 to early last year. I missed him checking in on me. I missed my friend, but I didn't miss the one. I thought I'd be missing him the closer next month came. I'm not. I'm missing that I thought I'd already be married... to someone else. I'd apologize to him if I could. I've already done so, made peace with it. I just haven't made peace with next month I'd have married one of my friends just because I didn't marry someone else. Didn't marry that one. So yeah. Jealous bitches, y'all still jealous???
Monday, January 9, 2017
Let me assess you....
Shallow people tend to have very tiny opinions of other people, generally based on quick snap judgments. I love when they try to share their opinions with me. If I have already assessed you as shallow, then your opinion isn't falling on deaf ears. However, if I get done with my assessment of whoever you were talking shit about doesn't match your opinion, well, then the next time I'm still listening. But your opinion has zero value. I'm using it to assess you. Decide how shallow you are instead of it influencing me on whoever you happen to be talking about.
Now, some people have earned my trust and I listen to their opinions and even take note to be cautious when they give me their opinion if it indicates that there is some risk to me. But again, I'm still making my own opinion. As I stated in a previous blog, I have friends that I trust them to have my back and yet I never trust their assessment of anyone. They have proven to not have the best judgment of character. That doesn't make them good or bad themselves. It just means that they are either too easily swayed by other people's opinions or they don't pay a lot of attention to the people after they made their "first" impression. Most of my friends know if I ask their opinion I'm trying to understand something about what's going on, but it doesn't mean that I'm taking their assessment and running with it.
To be blunt, I have plenty of women over the years that have hated on me. Several years ago, a really good friend got out of the Navy. He and I had served together and he was heading back home after getting out. He stopped to see me while I was going to college. He and I went to a local bar, to shoot the shit, drink a couple of beers and reminisce about years gone by. When I got up to go to the bathroom, a woman popped up from a table of 5 women and proceeded to tell him that I was the biggest whore in town and that I was "diseased". My buddy was stunned, but then he was pissed. He immediately told her that he had known me for years, that he knew damn well that I wasn't that way, and that she could take her trouble making ass back to her stupid jealous friends. Apparently they were all nodding when he had glanced at them. I came back as she was scampering back to the table of the other 4 like the rodent she was. He told me and I wasn't surprised. He was ill about it because he was like a brother. He was a brother; we served together. He wanted to go cuss the whole table. Now, had he been someone who didn't actually know me, I wondered what a different guy would've thought...then I realized someone that shallow wouldn't be worth my effort anyway. Anyway, those women and the others, male and female, that came before them, taught me to never ever trust someone else's opinion unless they have proven over and over and over to you that their opinions are worth them making up your mind for you.
When I date someone, I'll take the same amount of time to assess them, although admittedly I usually haven't even come close to knowing what I think in the first couple months. I have a friend that I had already assessed as smart. I also know he could be a bit of a pig. His reputation, as far as being extremely non-committal, has been shared over and over and over and over again. So what? If you haven't read my blog a lot, then you might think that should bother me. But those who really know me well, know how floundering I can be on the commitment thing. Come on. I entered into an agreement to get married in some amount of years, with really zero intent of ever following through, because it was one of my best friends and mainly because I knew it would never happen. Even in the past blogs, I talked about that "one" I thought might be the "one", well, I tell you it's as close as I've ever been. Yet, when my sister asked me if I thought I would marry him when I was dating him, I hemmed and hawed, beating around the mulberry bush, and finally saying that I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married again. I'm sure a couple ex-boyfriends would describe me as technically unattainable. I want to commit but then become very non-committal once I find something about that person that I don't want to "live" with. Non-committal while unappealing to most might be part of my problem. When the right one happens, that's all supposed to go away, right?
People often wonder how I can have a couple ex-boyfriends as friends. I tell them that it's because we never would've worked. That is probably true, but it's also that I came to value them as a person and likewise. I have friends that I love certain things about them, but other things? Well, I have a friend who I adore, one of my best friends. She's loud, fun, obnoxious at times. It's great for a few hours here and there. But I couldn't be her roommate. Her friendship means the world to me though. She's got a heart of gold and do anything to help a complete stranger. But, I know she's not everyone's cup of tea. There's nothing wrong with her. She's just different than most people, but no one else has lived her life and they can't judge her even if they are shallow enough to try. I have another friend who never lets anyone talk negative about me. She simply will not allow it. But she's also got the worst track record over the years I've known her in judging people's character. Horrible. She's been so far off base on multiple occasions with multiple people that I pretty much just ignore her assessments. They are just always that far off base. She has a very small circle of friends that have proven that her opinion of them is warranted, and the rest well, she seems to go whichever way the wind blows--even changing her assessment based on other things that have nothing to do with who someone is. Another one with a good heart, and obviously since a good heart is pretty rare anymore, well, that factors in strongly in me considering her a friend. Friendship is defined by the two people in the friendship. Writing off a friendship because you don't like one thing about them but are cool with everything else doesn't make sense. If you are a true friend, you should be a friend to the person, flaws and all.
As far as my advice, make up your own mind. Your best friends might know you, but they limit you if they expect you to agree with them. If you have to have everyone else's approval of who you like or don't like, well, that's okay too. Just try to remember everyone isn't that way and it kind of lacks depth. Well, actually it does lack depth. Friendship should be based on you and the person you might want to be friends with. No one is everyone's cup of tea. I don't really care anymore if someone assesses me incorrectly. It defines who they are, not who I am. The fact is I'm honest, straight forward, don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, and pretty smart overall. I don't care if you call me names or make up stories to drag me down. That's what teenagers do. Perhaps, it's time for some people to grow up and be adults. Don't let anyone else do the assessing for you--assess for yourself. You might be missing out on some pretty cool people.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Don't let someone bring you down...
Physical attraction is always a requirement. It's not the most important thing though. I'll admit I actually have to have some amount of physical attraction to be interested at all. Oh yes, I know some people will say that is shallow, but it's just fact. I think it's that way for most people; we just have different standards of what we do or don't find physically attractive. It can vary from person to person. I don't have a "standard" type. I've dated blonde, brunette, husky, well built, average, blue eyes, brown eyes. I do admit that I tend to initially favor someone with blue eyes, but as I've stated in previous blogs, this has more to do with my Granddaddy than anything. After physical attraction, well, let's face it, there has to be more--substance.
What happened was that I got reminded how much a smart man attracts me. I'm used to being one of the smartest people in the room and it's not really a blessing. I don't bother trying to pretend that I'm stupid. It's just not in my DNA. At work, I'm usually surrounded by smart people, and it's probably why my career has been so important to me. I joke that I can have my stupid conversations with my friends. Each of my friends is smart, but most of them are not interested in as many things as I am. It's not a requirement. It's not even a requirement that my friends are smart even though the majority of them are definitely smarter than the average bear. But to get my interest, capture it, well, I expect a man to be smart as me and preferably something that I'm not that smart at. I mean, yes, common ground and some interests. But wow. When they open their mouths and they start going on and are smart??? I'll just sit there listening and am just blown away. I forget how much of a turn on this is. It's rare for me to be out with friends and get reminded that there are smart men out there.
So all the sudden, I'm sitting there and listening to this guy...I've known him for a while, and yes, I already knew he was smart. He keeps talking and it hits me. He's super smart. I just listened and listened. All the frustration based on what the earlier guy had said just went away. Like I said, God, fate, whatever, just decided that I needed a reminder that I do not feel indifferent. I feel indifferent when I'm not interested or have no potential of interest and someone leaps into the idea of trying to make me feel bad for not being interested. Not to mention bringing up what used to be a gaping wound. On the bright side, two things happened last night--one I am indifferent to what is gone. It's gone and it's no longer making me miserable. I'm also over the fact that I don't know if I'll ever have another relationship. And then, in spite of pretty much feeling like crap after what one person said, I got reminded that the indifference I was feeling was about him--not about anyone else. I can get excited over someone who I find attractive and interesting.
Like I said in the previous blog, I don't seem to be able to follow my own advice, but I also believe that there's a plan. Not sure what that plan is. Live my life day to day and just enjoy it. But just because one person says something that frustrates me doesn't mean that I'm not interested in anyone. I'm just not interested in him. All I can say is that none of us should let one person, or even a group of people, that want us to be unhappy if they can't pick and choose who we should be with drag us down. And, we should never let anyone that has hurt us--intentionally or not--dictate how we feel about our chances of finding our "one". Don't let the past drag you down and don't let anyone make you feel like you won't find it. They don't know anymore than you do.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Two outta three ain't bad...
Anyone that reads my blogs knows that I was supposed to be married late next month to a friend who's long gone knows that it hasn't been easy on me. He was a good friend, but while I loved him as a friend, I was never in love. It was never going to happen. I couldn't marry him anymore than Juliet could marry Hamlet. But someone reminded me tonight that I really thought I had found the love of my life, years ago. It doesn't even matter who anymore. I mean... It should. But. Well, it doesn't.
Who I've become over the years just seems more and more indifferent. I could easily tell you it's because I'm proud of who I am. Truth be told, I've been proud of who I am before I even had my first child. I'm a good person--heart of gold. But I lost what I thought was "the" one. He wasn't the one. Who cares if he was? What I lost is the faith there even is one. Losing faith is the worst... and perhaps the best... thing that could ever happen. I missed him for years. The next guy I dated, for over a year plus, looked just like him. It hurt for years. Which is just hilarious or pathetic when I think about it because once I came home, I let it go like it never happened. I'm not even sure how. It just didn't matter anymore.
My heart, at best, tries. But if I'm realistic, I just... Quit. I've gotten used to jealous women and insecure men. My friends have my back, both male and female. I'm a tomboy. And weirdly enough a girly girl. I think if I was one or the other I'd have found my perfect match years ago. Yet, truth is I'm just different. I'm okay with that. Being different works for me and, fortunately or unfortunately, it doesn't generally work for anyone else.
For example, I'm the best at relationship advice according to all my guy friends. Yep. Because I know what it's like to be a woman. I also am great at relationship advice on how to deal with men acting like dumbasses... because all my friends, the ones I really talk to, are guys. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Hahahaha. I can teach but my ass can't actually apply my successful advice in any way, shape or form. I'm pathetic, amusing and awesome all in every word of advice
I ever give.
What do I want? Well, I really haven't given that any thought in years. I know I should. I just don't. I always thought as my boys got older it would just naturally happen. But I think I've given up. Not like consciously but like sub consciously. I just don't seem to care. I don't even get excited when someone texts or calls. And it's not like I'm not attracted to the guys that do. I just don't care. I try to. I do. But I feel like, "whatever bullshiter". It's been like this for a couple years.
Now maybe I can take the blame for dating someone who wasn't worth the effort. But truth? I felt that way before anyone. I just didn't really admit it. There was one and only one. I thought I found it and I was perfect until it tanked. Then I was pathetic. At that point I was still pretending that one wasn't the one. Now, I know he wasn't and I've lost all faith.
Yes, I love to tell all of you to have faith because I'm a hypocrite. Or because I really, really want to believe. I do. Yea. I really want to believe. But do I? Sigh. For you? Yes. For me? No. Don't aspire to be me. I'm apparently fucked up. I'd tell you I'm a loser. But, it all depends on what we are talking about. I'm a winner at life overall. I'm pretty lucky when it comes to money. I'm a fucking loser of the umpteenth class when it comes to love. As Meatloaf sang, two outta three ain't bad.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
One liners turn respect, loyalty and trust into punchlines
One of the most pathetic one liner memes comes from an old saying. "Respect is earned." It's so simple, yet it totally ignoring the rest of what respect is. First, why is this particular saying wrong? "Respect your elders." How many of us have heard this? Why would you respect your elders if respect is earned? If you don't know them, then you have no idea whether they "earned' it or not. You respect them because years of experience implies that they've "earned" it but you don't know it. We are taught to respect, or at least we used to be, because respect is not about the other person. It's about us. Tolstoy wrote, "Respect was created to fill the empty place where love should be." Respect is what you should give when you have no other feeling to give. In the military, we are often told "respect the rank even if you don't respect the man (or woman)". Again, they "earned" a rank whether you think they earned it or not. So the concept that respect is something that is earned has nothing to do with whether you believe they earned it or not. Therefore, respect is not earned. It is something that you are supposed to try to do because of who you are, not who they are. Most people like to assume, fill in the rest with their own version, interpretation, of who earned or who hasn't earned respect, but that is not actually what we are taught about respect. Respect is about being polite; showing regard for someone who you otherwise would have no reason for any regard whatsoever.
Respect cannot be demanded. Either the person giving it has the ability and the class to show respect or they don't. Also, different groups have additional rules to respect. Most military have heard what I said in the previous paragraph, but not all civilians have. Bikers often hold out their hand or a peace sign as riding by another rider from the other direction. They don't actually know each other in many cases. It's a show of respect to each other that is exclusive to the biker community. It's not a requirement. It's given freely, for no other reason other than respect because both have "earned" their place in the biker community just by riding bikes. Can someone be disrespectful? Yes, I'd argue all of you that demand respect are being utterly ridiculous. You say you earned it, or think you did, but the fact is that you should be giving it as much as you are demanding it. We argue kids don't get respect because they haven't "earned" it by lack of age. But basic politeness is respect and everyone deserves that. "Respect is a two way street"? Yes, it is. The expectation is not that they have to show it to you first. The expectation is that we show it to each other. What I've watched over the last year and an half is people demanding respect while being rude, obnoxious and attempting to goad others into arguments. Guess what? You're demanding others be polite while you're being an asshole. Basic respect needs to be shown by all. "Respect yourself and others will respect you." When someone is disrespectful because they are demanding respect but not giving it, walk away. Respect isn't kissing someone's ass. It's basic politeness. It's not that hard, but some people demand it while they themselves seem to have forgotten.
"Can't wait for loyalty to come back into style." Loyalty is another one. You are either loyal or you're not. You can't pick and choose who you are loyal to. A really great girlfriend of mine recently found out that people that she thought were loyal to her were not. It hurt her immensely. Here's the thing. They are not loyal to others before her, and she and I discussed this. If someone has already proven unloyal to others, then your odds that they will not be loyal to you are already high. Is it possible for someone to learn to be more loyal of a person? Yes, usually after they got burned by someone more disloyal than they are. Loyalty is not just about having someone's back when their back is turned. Many people nowadays want to simplify loyalty down to one aspect of their lives and then call themselves loyal. Loyalty is not just about being faithful or having someone's back. It's also about keeping someone's confidence. How many people can say that they keep someone's confidence anymore? The other misnomer is that loyalty is only to people we like. It's not a light switch. You can't turn it on and off. Like I said earlier, these people that stabbed my friend in the back have done this several times before and done it to each other even. They have no loyalty, not even amongst each other. Are they likable? Sure, most are. But we like to mix those we like with who we think are loyal. Loyalty for them is "in style" when they want it to be, but that's not loyalty.
Loyalty is "earned". Sure. Those people that screwed over my friend would make that argument, because they themselves are not really loyal people. It helps disloyal people make an excuse for being sorry asses that have no loyalty or are only loyal when it suits them. I had a discussion with a friend about this the other day. He made this argument. I told him loyalty isn't about who you give it to. It's about who you are as a person. People appreciate loyalty and therefore they often "return" it to those that have shown them loyalty. But not all do and if confronted they argue that it is "earned" and well you just haven't earned it yet baby. This is bullshit. A couple years ago this guy just started dumping his issues on me. I sat and listened. I had no idea why he was telling me all this "secret" shit he wouldn't want anyone else to know. He doesn't, well didn't, even like me. This has happened to me with several different people over the years, and this time I just point blank asked him why he was telling me. His response shocked me. I don't repeat what people tell me most of the time, and I keep it to myself even when I don't like someone. "Everyone should know someone that loyal," he punchlined it with. I let that settle in. Then I thought about it.
Loyalty isn't about being loyal to someone because you have the expectation of them being loyal back. It's about who you are as a person. You are either loyal or you are not. Whether you deserve the person's loyalty doesn't make a difference to a truly loyal person. My ex cheated on me. I never cheated and I was even told that no one would have "blamed" me if I had. But I would have, because I am a loyal person. Loyalty is about who we are inside of ourselves. Is it possible to be loyal only to one person and screw others over? Some people say it is, but I don't think my girlfriend that got screwed over by a group of people would agree. She's loyal to all. She was loyal to them and she doesn't stab them in the backs even though I'm sure she could. Her loyalty is there regardless of whether they deserve it or not. That's what true loyalty is. A part of your character and you either have it or you don't. If you have it, you don't pick and choose who to give it to.
Trust is earned. Trust, like loyalty and respect, is given, but unlike loyalty and respect, who you trust isn't about who you are but who they've proven to you to be. Some of us give more trust right off the bat than others. Children tend to trust everyone, because no one has betrayed their trust yet. As we get "burned" by trusting people who fail to give loyalty, we tend to give less and less trust initially. The more intense the broken trust the longer it takes us to trust again. That's not to say we can't trust anymore and it's not to say someone can't earn that trust quickly or not. It's just that trust is a gift--allowing a piece of ourselves to be shared. Loyalty and respect do not actually open a piece of ourselves up to being hurt. Trust does. So trust as we get screwed over is earned. The one thing about this is this is about ourselves, but it's something that we have to learn with each new person. Trust is given in levels and degrees. We can like someone and trust them implicitly. But we can also like someone and trust them only to a certain degree. For example, I have a friend who I love. She's loyal. I trust her with my secrets, but I don't trust her judgment of other people. She often has opinions that have proven wrong and she changes her opinions like changing the toilet paper roll--sometimes it's an industrial sized roll, sometimes it's one of those mini-travel rolls. So I trust her in some things and not so much in others. I respect her and I'm loyal to her because of who I am. I trust her in certain aspects because she has earned that. In others, she hasn't. We often trust the people who exhibit respect and loyalty, but like that guy who dropped his "secrets" on me, I earned his trust that I wouldn't say anything about what he told me because of the loyalty that I exhibited. How sad is it that he had friends that he didn't feel he could trust enough to share with?
We like to mix up trust, loyalty and respect with friendship, comradeship, fellowship. But these are separate. We might trust someone at work and even have a working friendship. That doesn't actually mean we are friends. Respect, basic respect, should be afforded anyone, regardless of our regard or lack thereof, for them. Loyalty is about what kind of person we want to be and we should be able to show it at all times. Trust is something of ourselves that we risk a part of ourselves while the other two have no requirement of risk. My friend that was backstabbed wasn't hurt because of their lack of loyalty. She was hurt because she trusted that they were going to be loyal to her. When you take these complicated concepts and mush them into one liners like you're trying to beat the Twitter character limit, well, you minimize them to punchlines. They start to have no meaning by being limited to caricatures, facsimiles of what they originally were and still should be. What our society is in desperate need of is the old fashioned complicated solid definitions of respect, loyalty and trust if we expect people to start showing them more. The one liner versions are missing the substance of what they mean and result in most people losing touch with what they actually are.
Monday, January 2, 2017
This life sucks.... Bullshit and other stories..
I've lived most of my life worried about what other people think. Most of my friends would scream bullshit. But my true friends know I've lived most of my life heart broken. It's not anything anyone wants to admit. It's kind of like admitting you've lived your whole life in hell. I may have. I've lived where someone has always wanted to crush me. Destroy me. Hated me. No reason. No justification. Just pure jealousy. It's not a life I would wish on anyone.
I've been hated by women. Everyone expects that. They expect women to hate on a pretty woman. Always makes me wonder what destroyed my mother. There's jealous and there's ugly. When your life sucks and the jealous bullshit on top of it.... Well, I have lived it. Maybe I'm stronger than my mother. I've wanted to die. I've wanted to kill. All because ugly bitches. I can't imagine what my mother's life was. I just know that none of those ugly jealous women that hated her could ever have survived what she did... Because she didn't.
Who I am? The surviver? Daddy. My mother was a cream puff compared to Daddy. She counted on him to protect her. He did. I'm the same, but somehow I always manage to pick the men who do not have my back. The sorry ass cowards that don't have me can talk trash all they want but truth isn't I'm more woman or too strong or too bitch. They just didn't have the strength to be there for me. My Daddy had the strength. Anything less is pathetic.
But I live because of my father's strength not because of my mother's weakness. Her weakness was not her fault, just a side bar of a world gone. My strength is my father, my mother's father and her mother and my own version of hell no. I watch people who suffer all the time because of fucked up yester year. It breaks my heart. My Mama would've died a little bit everytime someone suffered. She never grew tough.
Funny thing is I didn't grow strong because of her weakness. I grew strong from who she taught me to me be coupled with her weakness and Daddy's strength. I am my parents child. I have the compassion of my mother that was so compassionate it was weakness. I have my father's strength and temper to make sure I know I can defend right from wrong. But I have the mind from both to think, to know, and to show both strength and compassion at the same time. Can you say the same?
We are entering a new year following one of the ugliest years in American history. I'm hopeful. Because I'm always hopeful. The glass is never half full. I get a smaller glass and call it full. I miss the life I should've had. I was deprived. And yet, I'm happy. Are you? If not, why? I lost everything as a child. I'm okay and even hopeful and happy. What's your problem?