Anyone that reads my blogs knows that I was supposed to be married late next month to a friend who's long gone knows that it hasn't been easy on me. He was a good friend, but while I loved him as a friend, I was never in love. It was never going to happen. I couldn't marry him anymore than Juliet could marry Hamlet. But someone reminded me tonight that I really thought I had found the love of my life, years ago. It doesn't even matter who anymore. I mean... It should. But. Well, it doesn't.
Who I've become over the years just seems more and more indifferent. I could easily tell you it's because I'm proud of who I am. Truth be told, I've been proud of who I am before I even had my first child. I'm a good person--heart of gold. But I lost what I thought was "the" one. He wasn't the one. Who cares if he was? What I lost is the faith there even is one. Losing faith is the worst... and perhaps the best... thing that could ever happen. I missed him for years. The next guy I dated, for over a year plus, looked just like him. It hurt for years. Which is just hilarious or pathetic when I think about it because once I came home, I let it go like it never happened. I'm not even sure how. It just didn't matter anymore.
My heart, at best, tries. But if I'm realistic, I just... Quit. I've gotten used to jealous women and insecure men. My friends have my back, both male and female. I'm a tomboy. And weirdly enough a girly girl. I think if I was one or the other I'd have found my perfect match years ago. Yet, truth is I'm just different. I'm okay with that. Being different works for me and, fortunately or unfortunately, it doesn't generally work for anyone else.
For example, I'm the best at relationship advice according to all my guy friends. Yep. Because I know what it's like to be a woman. I also am great at relationship advice on how to deal with men acting like dumbasses... because all my friends, the ones I really talk to, are guys. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Hahahaha. I can teach but my ass can't actually apply my successful advice in any way, shape or form. I'm pathetic, amusing and awesome all in every word of advice
I ever give.
What do I want? Well, I really haven't given that any thought in years. I know I should. I just don't. I always thought as my boys got older it would just naturally happen. But I think I've given up. Not like consciously but like sub consciously. I just don't seem to care. I don't even get excited when someone texts or calls. And it's not like I'm not attracted to the guys that do. I just don't care. I try to. I do. But I feel like, "whatever bullshiter". It's been like this for a couple years.
Now maybe I can take the blame for dating someone who wasn't worth the effort. But truth? I felt that way before anyone. I just didn't really admit it. There was one and only one. I thought I found it and I was perfect until it tanked. Then I was pathetic. At that point I was still pretending that one wasn't the one. Now, I know he wasn't and I've lost all faith.
Yes, I love to tell all of you to have faith because I'm a hypocrite. Or because I really, really want to believe. I do. Yea. I really want to believe. But do I? Sigh. For you? Yes. For me? No. Don't aspire to be me. I'm apparently fucked up. I'd tell you I'm a loser. But, it all depends on what we are talking about. I'm a winner at life overall. I'm pretty lucky when it comes to money. I'm a fucking loser of the umpteenth class when it comes to love. As Meatloaf sang, two outta three ain't bad.
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