One liner memes. They totally get on my nerves sometimes. It's not so much the ones that are funny that upset me--okay, not them at all. It's the one's that over simplify important concepts that we all know are important, because somehow it seems like the one liners are becoming what people accept as "fact". They forget what the more complex issues are and the stupidity just abounds. Trust, loyalty and respect are three of these extremely important concepts. These are words that have become punchlines and the depth of what they mean has been lost in the process.
One of the most pathetic one liner memes comes from an old saying. "Respect is earned." It's so simple, yet it totally ignoring the rest of what respect is. First, why is this particular saying wrong? "Respect your elders." How many of us have heard this? Why would you respect your elders if respect is earned? If you don't know them, then you have no idea whether they "earned' it or not. You respect them because years of experience implies that they've "earned" it but you don't know it. We are taught to respect, or at least we used to be, because respect is not about the other person. It's about us. Tolstoy wrote, "Respect was created to fill the empty place where love should be." Respect is what you should give when you have no other feeling to give. In the military, we are often told "respect the rank even if you don't respect the man (or woman)". Again, they "earned" a rank whether you think they earned it or not. So the concept that respect is something that is earned has nothing to do with whether you believe they earned it or not. Therefore, respect is not earned. It is something that you are supposed to try to do because of who you are, not who they are. Most people like to assume, fill in the rest with their own version, interpretation, of who earned or who hasn't earned respect, but that is not actually what we are taught about respect. Respect is about being polite; showing regard for someone who you otherwise would have no reason for any regard whatsoever.
Respect cannot be demanded. Either the person giving it has the ability and the class to show respect or they don't. Also, different groups have additional rules to respect. Most military have heard what I said in the previous paragraph, but not all civilians have. Bikers often hold out their hand or a peace sign as riding by another rider from the other direction. They don't actually know each other in many cases. It's a show of respect to each other that is exclusive to the biker community. It's not a requirement. It's given freely, for no other reason other than respect because both have "earned" their place in the biker community just by riding bikes. Can someone be disrespectful? Yes, I'd argue all of you that demand respect are being utterly ridiculous. You say you earned it, or think you did, but the fact is that you should be giving it as much as you are demanding it. We argue kids don't get respect because they haven't "earned" it by lack of age. But basic politeness is respect and everyone deserves that. "Respect is a two way street"? Yes, it is. The expectation is not that they have to show it to you first. The expectation is that we show it to each other. What I've watched over the last year and an half is people demanding respect while being rude, obnoxious and attempting to goad others into arguments. Guess what? You're demanding others be polite while you're being an asshole. Basic respect needs to be shown by all. "Respect yourself and others will respect you." When someone is disrespectful because they are demanding respect but not giving it, walk away. Respect isn't kissing someone's ass. It's basic politeness. It's not that hard, but some people demand it while they themselves seem to have forgotten.
"Can't wait for loyalty to come back into style." Loyalty is another one. You are either loyal or you're not. You can't pick and choose who you are loyal to. A really great girlfriend of mine recently found out that people that she thought were loyal to her were not. It hurt her immensely. Here's the thing. They are not loyal to others before her, and she and I discussed this. If someone has already proven unloyal to others, then your odds that they will not be loyal to you are already high. Is it possible for someone to learn to be more loyal of a person? Yes, usually after they got burned by someone more disloyal than they are. Loyalty is not just about having someone's back when their back is turned. Many people nowadays want to simplify loyalty down to one aspect of their lives and then call themselves loyal. Loyalty is not just about being faithful or having someone's back. It's also about keeping someone's confidence. How many people can say that they keep someone's confidence anymore? The other misnomer is that loyalty is only to people we like. It's not a light switch. You can't turn it on and off. Like I said earlier, these people that stabbed my friend in the back have done this several times before and done it to each other even. They have no loyalty, not even amongst each other. Are they likable? Sure, most are. But we like to mix those we like with who we think are loyal. Loyalty for them is "in style" when they want it to be, but that's not loyalty.
Loyalty is "earned". Sure. Those people that screwed over my friend would make that argument, because they themselves are not really loyal people. It helps disloyal people make an excuse for being sorry asses that have no loyalty or are only loyal when it suits them. I had a discussion with a friend about this the other day. He made this argument. I told him loyalty isn't about who you give it to. It's about who you are as a person. People appreciate loyalty and therefore they often "return" it to those that have shown them loyalty. But not all do and if confronted they argue that it is "earned" and well you just haven't earned it yet baby. This is bullshit. A couple years ago this guy just started dumping his issues on me. I sat and listened. I had no idea why he was telling me all this "secret" shit he wouldn't want anyone else to know. He doesn't, well didn't, even like me. This has happened to me with several different people over the years, and this time I just point blank asked him why he was telling me. His response shocked me. I don't repeat what people tell me most of the time, and I keep it to myself even when I don't like someone. "Everyone should know someone that loyal," he punchlined it with. I let that settle in. Then I thought about it.
Loyalty isn't about being loyal to someone because you have the expectation of them being loyal back. It's about who you are as a person. You are either loyal or you are not. Whether you deserve the person's loyalty doesn't make a difference to a truly loyal person. My ex cheated on me. I never cheated and I was even told that no one would have "blamed" me if I had. But I would have, because I am a loyal person. Loyalty is about who we are inside of ourselves. Is it possible to be loyal only to one person and screw others over? Some people say it is, but I don't think my girlfriend that got screwed over by a group of people would agree. She's loyal to all. She was loyal to them and she doesn't stab them in the backs even though I'm sure she could. Her loyalty is there regardless of whether they deserve it or not. That's what true loyalty is. A part of your character and you either have it or you don't. If you have it, you don't pick and choose who to give it to.
Trust is earned. Trust, like loyalty and respect, is given, but unlike loyalty and respect, who you trust isn't about who you are but who they've proven to you to be. Some of us give more trust right off the bat than others. Children tend to trust everyone, because no one has betrayed their trust yet. As we get "burned" by trusting people who fail to give loyalty, we tend to give less and less trust initially. The more intense the broken trust the longer it takes us to trust again. That's not to say we can't trust anymore and it's not to say someone can't earn that trust quickly or not. It's just that trust is a gift--allowing a piece of ourselves to be shared. Loyalty and respect do not actually open a piece of ourselves up to being hurt. Trust does. So trust as we get screwed over is earned. The one thing about this is this is about ourselves, but it's something that we have to learn with each new person. Trust is given in levels and degrees. We can like someone and trust them implicitly. But we can also like someone and trust them only to a certain degree. For example, I have a friend who I love. She's loyal. I trust her with my secrets, but I don't trust her judgment of other people. She often has opinions that have proven wrong and she changes her opinions like changing the toilet paper roll--sometimes it's an industrial sized roll, sometimes it's one of those mini-travel rolls. So I trust her in some things and not so much in others. I respect her and I'm loyal to her because of who I am. I trust her in certain aspects because she has earned that. In others, she hasn't. We often trust the people who exhibit respect and loyalty, but like that guy who dropped his "secrets" on me, I earned his trust that I wouldn't say anything about what he told me because of the loyalty that I exhibited. How sad is it that he had friends that he didn't feel he could trust enough to share with?
We like to mix up trust, loyalty and respect with friendship, comradeship, fellowship. But these are separate. We might trust someone at work and even have a working friendship. That doesn't actually mean we are friends. Respect, basic respect, should be afforded anyone, regardless of our regard or lack thereof, for them. Loyalty is about what kind of person we want to be and we should be able to show it at all times. Trust is something of ourselves that we risk a part of ourselves while the other two have no requirement of risk. My friend that was backstabbed wasn't hurt because of their lack of loyalty. She was hurt because she trusted that they were going to be loyal to her. When you take these complicated concepts and mush them into one liners like you're trying to beat the Twitter character limit, well, you minimize them to punchlines. They start to have no meaning by being limited to caricatures, facsimiles of what they originally were and still should be. What our society is in desperate need of is the old fashioned complicated solid definitions of respect, loyalty and trust if we expect people to start showing them more. The one liner versions are missing the substance of what they mean and result in most people losing touch with what they actually are.
No comments:
Post a Comment