It never ceases to amaze me at how many go with "first" impressions. Admittedly, if you make my skin crawl when I first meet you, we're done. I don't want to know you, and while I'll be polite, that will be as good as you ever get. There have been very few people that hit this "first" impression with me. Most people I assess over months. I take in their good, their bad, their indifferent and decide what I think of them overall--flaws and all. There are people I think the world of but don't really socialize with. There are people I socialize with that I don't particularly care for, usually because of other mutual friends. There are very few things that will make me completely dislike someone. Lying is about the only thing that will immediately get a very negative response and most likely will get you cussed out. I have zero tolerance for lying. As far as first impressions, I'm generally spot on for the overall person, but I don't go by that alone. My first impressions are based on one or two things that immediately caught me. It takes a while to actually get to know someone--the nuances of a person--that make them different from everyone else that might be similar to them. Each of us is actually completely different than another person, even with twins. Our personalities while they may be similar are all based on our own life experiences and some people are just more interesting than others. First impressions just don't do those that have a lot of life, regardless of age, justice.
Shallow people tend to have very tiny opinions of other people, generally based on quick snap judgments. I love when they try to share their opinions with me. If I have already assessed you as shallow, then your opinion isn't falling on deaf ears. However, if I get done with my assessment of whoever you were talking shit about doesn't match your opinion, well, then the next time I'm still listening. But your opinion has zero value. I'm using it to assess you. Decide how shallow you are instead of it influencing me on whoever you happen to be talking about.
Now, some people have earned my trust and I listen to their opinions and even take note to be cautious when they give me their opinion if it indicates that there is some risk to me. But again, I'm still making my own opinion. As I stated in a previous blog, I have friends that I trust them to have my back and yet I never trust their assessment of anyone. They have proven to not have the best judgment of character. That doesn't make them good or bad themselves. It just means that they are either too easily swayed by other people's opinions or they don't pay a lot of attention to the people after they made their "first" impression. Most of my friends know if I ask their opinion I'm trying to understand something about what's going on, but it doesn't mean that I'm taking their assessment and running with it.
To be blunt, I have plenty of women over the years that have hated on me. Several years ago, a really good friend got out of the Navy. He and I had served together and he was heading back home after getting out. He stopped to see me while I was going to college. He and I went to a local bar, to shoot the shit, drink a couple of beers and reminisce about years gone by. When I got up to go to the bathroom, a woman popped up from a table of 5 women and proceeded to tell him that I was the biggest whore in town and that I was "diseased". My buddy was stunned, but then he was pissed. He immediately told her that he had known me for years, that he knew damn well that I wasn't that way, and that she could take her trouble making ass back to her stupid jealous friends. Apparently they were all nodding when he had glanced at them. I came back as she was scampering back to the table of the other 4 like the rodent she was. He told me and I wasn't surprised. He was ill about it because he was like a brother. He was a brother; we served together. He wanted to go cuss the whole table. Now, had he been someone who didn't actually know me, I wondered what a different guy would've thought...then I realized someone that shallow wouldn't be worth my effort anyway. Anyway, those women and the others, male and female, that came before them, taught me to never ever trust someone else's opinion unless they have proven over and over and over to you that their opinions are worth them making up your mind for you.
When I date someone, I'll take the same amount of time to assess them, although admittedly I usually haven't even come close to knowing what I think in the first couple months. I have a friend that I had already assessed as smart. I also know he could be a bit of a pig. His reputation, as far as being extremely non-committal, has been shared over and over and over and over again. So what? If you haven't read my blog a lot, then you might think that should bother me. But those who really know me well, know how floundering I can be on the commitment thing. Come on. I entered into an agreement to get married in some amount of years, with really zero intent of ever following through, because it was one of my best friends and mainly because I knew it would never happen. Even in the past blogs, I talked about that "one" I thought might be the "one", well, I tell you it's as close as I've ever been. Yet, when my sister asked me if I thought I would marry him when I was dating him, I hemmed and hawed, beating around the mulberry bush, and finally saying that I wasn't sure I ever wanted to get married again. I'm sure a couple ex-boyfriends would describe me as technically unattainable. I want to commit but then become very non-committal once I find something about that person that I don't want to "live" with. Non-committal while unappealing to most might be part of my problem. When the right one happens, that's all supposed to go away, right?
People often wonder how I can have a couple ex-boyfriends as friends. I tell them that it's because we never would've worked. That is probably true, but it's also that I came to value them as a person and likewise. I have friends that I love certain things about them, but other things? Well, I have a friend who I adore, one of my best friends. She's loud, fun, obnoxious at times. It's great for a few hours here and there. But I couldn't be her roommate. Her friendship means the world to me though. She's got a heart of gold and do anything to help a complete stranger. But, I know she's not everyone's cup of tea. There's nothing wrong with her. She's just different than most people, but no one else has lived her life and they can't judge her even if they are shallow enough to try. I have another friend who never lets anyone talk negative about me. She simply will not allow it. But she's also got the worst track record over the years I've known her in judging people's character. Horrible. She's been so far off base on multiple occasions with multiple people that I pretty much just ignore her assessments. They are just always that far off base. She has a very small circle of friends that have proven that her opinion of them is warranted, and the rest well, she seems to go whichever way the wind blows--even changing her assessment based on other things that have nothing to do with who someone is. Another one with a good heart, and obviously since a good heart is pretty rare anymore, well, that factors in strongly in me considering her a friend. Friendship is defined by the two people in the friendship. Writing off a friendship because you don't like one thing about them but are cool with everything else doesn't make sense. If you are a true friend, you should be a friend to the person, flaws and all.
As far as my advice, make up your own mind. Your best friends might know you, but they limit you if they expect you to agree with them. If you have to have everyone else's approval of who you like or don't like, well, that's okay too. Just try to remember everyone isn't that way and it kind of lacks depth. Well, actually it does lack depth. Friendship should be based on you and the person you might want to be friends with. No one is everyone's cup of tea. I don't really care anymore if someone assesses me incorrectly. It defines who they are, not who I am. The fact is I'm honest, straight forward, don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, and pretty smart overall. I don't care if you call me names or make up stories to drag me down. That's what teenagers do. Perhaps, it's time for some people to grow up and be adults. Don't let anyone else do the assessing for you--assess for yourself. You might be missing out on some pretty cool people.
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