Over the years I've always thought I'd be married by now. I mean, honestly, I never planned on actually marrying my friend. Ten years is a long time to make a promise and I just never thought I'd have to. The deal was we'd only marry if I was still single. I simply didn't think 10 years would go by and I wouldn't be. I always thought once my boys were grown I'd have found the right one and settled in, got married and been living the next chapter of my life. Well, obviously as much as I've been whimpering over this in the recent weeks, that hasn't happened. So I'm trying now that I've accepted that it hasn't, well, why not?
Well, my personal favorite that I've heard over the last few weeks--I'm intimidating. Which here's my response: bullshit. It's got nothing to do with that. I know plenty of women that like fishing, are totally redneck, smoke, chew, cuss, dress like women, and there are plenty of memes claiming this is totally awesome. So I'm that girl who loves football, soccer, auto racing, motorcycles, cars, hockey and I dress totally like a girl. I can cuss like a sailor and prefer beer or whiskey. Pretty much still hot according to memes if you fish. So what's the difference? Oh right. The intimidation factor. What's really intimidating? I have my life together. I'm not the damsel in distress. I'm not pretending to like what any guy likes just to make him happy. But guess what? Most of the time this is all lies anyway. I know plenty of women that have told me that they love fishing. Really? Where's your favorite spots in the area? They have no idea or they prefer to fish on a boat. Oh really? Do you own a boat? Nope. Ever owned a boat? Just fish on the side of the lake off the road? Do you fish when you go out with your friends? No. NO. Nope. In fact, the only time they have ever fished is with a man. So here's what actually intimidating about me. I really don't like fishing, and I will say so. I know how. I don't need a man to go fishing. I took my boys fishing when they were younger all the time--until they about drowned me because of a fight they got into on a stream up near the North Carolina border. (Yes, the drowning is an exaggeration...but I was soaked.) I can bait a hook with corn, salmon eggs, sardines, lures, and little live bait (another one of my least favorite things in the world). I really only like to fish to drink beer or sunbathe. Yep, that's it. So you want to know what makes me intimidating? I don't like something--I simply say so.
Imagine that? Just being honest. That's me almost all the damn time--probably too honest as a couple different friends tell me. What's wrong with that? No one ever says being honest is intimidating. But that's really what it is for people that can't be honest. Why am I still single? Well, in hindsight, my stepmother and I didn't get along. My father's relationship with me was damaged for decades. Yes, that's right decades. Eventually Daddy and I made peace and even became close again. But the years we missed? Well, no reason to cry over spilled milk. Yet, in all honesty, it's probably why most guys I've dated seriously have crashed and burned. No one is interfering with my relationship with my boys. Now they are grown men, for the most part, I had always thought I would have a relationship once raising them was completed for the most part. But before that, if a guy didn't get along with my kids, or there were issues that would be bad for my kids or my relationship with my kids, my immediate response was adios, auf weidersehen, bye bye. No child deserves to be cut off from their parents--I don't care who you are, natural parent or not. The last guy I dated seriously liked drama--even dragging his own daughter into the drama once. My boys hated him. He'd brag how much they liked him to everyone--including me (which was laughable)--the whole time my boys all telling me that if I kept dating him they were not going to be around much. They learned to be honest with me because I always tried to maintain a good honest example for them.
So my boys interfere someone once asked? No. They have liked a couple of guys I've dated, but I was cautious that they didn't meet anyone until it got serious when they were younger. As my boys got older, they actually started to worry about me being alone. So most of the time, they are actually happy if I'm dating someone. The only time they aren't happy with the idea is when they observe the guy treating me like crap. Even when I dated someone who's behavior was questionable, the boys rarely observed it when they were younger. I didn't permit that in my boys life. Nothing put someone out the door faster. Is that intimidating? I hope so. When they were younger, I was the only one there for them 100% of the time, and if their needs coming first was intimidating, then so be it.
That's not to say that I don't put my significant other ahead of them when warranted or even ahead of myself. I certainly did that with the last guy I dated seriously and all that got me was a jerk who took advantage of my generosity while accusing me of taking advantage of him (when he didn't even work most of the time), treating me like crap, getting into arguments with my youngest son, my two older sons eventually hating his guts, and more drama than a teenage girl permanently on her period. Does that change that I like to be spoiled and like to do things special for someone I'm with? No. Just means that when someone proves unworthy, then it's time to cut them loose--no matter how much you don't want to be alone. Is knowing when to call it quits intimidating? Maybe. But being alone is way, way better than being miserable.
Am I interested in being a sugar mama, babying a man to the point of almost being his mother, dealing with laziness, or putting up with disrespect or a moocher? A man who said "not just no, but hell no" to a woman acting like that would never be questioned--that wouldn't be intimidating. So why would it be when a woman draws that same line? It shouldn't be. I don't want to be treated like crap and I've accomplished a lot in my life. From my point of view, I deserve the same amount of respect as any man that can say the same. It's not intimidating. It's just putting limitations on how we are willing to be treated.
So, I really don't care what anyone says about "intimidating" anymore. I have a lot of male friends. They aren't intimidated by me. So there's absolutely no way that I'm actually intimidating. There might be men that don't want a woman with her shit together. That's fine. They might not like a woman who has a lot of male friends. That's fine too. I'm not giving up my friends because a guy is too insecure to the point of being controlling. It might even bother them that I know how to change a tire, know how to change my own oil, and actually have an obsession for some sports. In all honesty, I hate changing my own oil and sports are way, way more fun when you have someone to enjoy them with. If being honest and saying when I don't like something is intimidating, oh well. If that's so intimidating, then I'm simply not your cup of tea. I'm probably someone else's refreshing shot of whiskey.
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