Thursday, January 12, 2017

It's coming... And I know it

There was a time I made a promise to marry one of my friends.  I have no doubt he loved me with the majority of his heart.   But I also have no doubt that it wouldn't happen.  I never imagined it wouldn't happen because he'd be gone.  I actually always thought I'd be married before it ever came to fruition.  Joke's on me.  He's passed away and I'm not married.  

Part of me thinks "shit.... You should've just married him... At least you'd have made him happy... Because..." Well because I'm the same as I was when I promised I'd marry him.  I'm not talking money or things. I'm talking heart, soul.  Nothing's actually changed.  I'm still who I am and still dreading a real relationship.  If I'd have married him, well, at least he would've been happy.  I have no doubt.  I could do no wrong in his eyes.  I was fucking perfect.  I'm not fucking perfect. I'm so imperfect that sometimes his vision of me screwed with me. 

Still, there's a lot to be said about someone that thinks you're all that.  Maybe he overlooked my flaws because that's what you do when you're truly in love.  You can't help but make excuses for that person.  But we all make excuses for our friends, right??  I love my friends for who they are even when I don't like certain things about them.   Grams used to say you're in love when you find the flaws endearing.  My friends... Well, I defend them in spite of flaws, I ignore flaws and I love them in spite.  But endearing? 

So my friend, his biggest flaw was he was a drunk.  I cannot even explain to most people how bad.  I've actually never met anyone else as bad.  And I know a lot of drunks.  I didn't find it endearing.  I actually hated it.  It was the only thing that kept him from being perfect.  Not truly perfect, no one is truly perfect.  But it was the only flaw I didn't view as endearing.  I saw it as weakness, ugly, a hurdle, a deadening reminder why I got divorced in the first place.  When I promised to marry him, I did so knowing I'd never marry him.  I just never thought it would be because he was dead.

Truth.  I thought I'd already be married.  I thought I'd already have found the guy who loved me in spite of my flaws and vice versa.  You know. The one who polishes your rough edges and vice versa.   I'm pretty sure now he's been hit by a bus.  Got caught in a cross fire.  Killed in, well who cares.  Just gone.  There's no one that I think was him.  I just figure I've spent most of my life holding out for "gone".

Positive attitude is actually one of my fortes.  I'm always looking at the brightest view, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, never judging anyone for their negatives... Even when that opening often allows them to run their mouths and drum negativity against me ten fold.  I don't care.  I really don't.  A good heart doesn't. Talk your shit because until you've lived my life... Well no one other than me can know who or what I actually am.  I define me.  But if I'm honest, I'm crushed.  Haters happy yet?

There was never a time I was upset because I wasn't married.  When my friend died, I was devastated, because he was one of my closest friends.  I was... Truth be told... Slightly relieved that I didn't have to marry him.  So the closer I get to next month, I know this more and more.  Doesn't make me feel better overall though.  Why?  I thought I'd have been married by now.  Yes I know.  I did though.  I had plenty of options--so... I just never imagined I'd reach next month and be single. 

My friend was an awesome wonderful man, but I couldn't over look his flaw.  Just one.  I'm guessing I'm meant for someone with the same flaws and wonders that I have and someone who's flaws and wonders compliments mine. I have no idea what that is.  I have a really good idea what it isn't.  Who knows?  If you've met me, well, you know I'm truly one of a kind.  There's no one else even close.  At least he knew that.

So I'm trying to cope not with the loss of my friend.  I dealt with that in 2013 to early last year.  I missed him checking in on me.  I missed my friend, but I didn't miss the one.  I thought I'd be missing him the closer next month came.  I'm not.  I'm missing that I thought I'd already be married... to someone else.  I'd apologize to him if I could. I've already done so, made peace with it.  I just haven't made peace with next month I'd have married one of my friends just because I didn't marry someone else.  Didn't marry that one.  So yeah.  Jealous bitches, y'all still jealous???

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