What's meant to be will be...

Lists.  Well, one list.  I used to have a list of everything that I didn't want in a relationship.  My sister and one of my really good friends have insisted that I throw it away--metaphorically.  It was never a written list.  I don't know what I'm doing now.  The list was so much easier.  Of course, I wasn't using it the way I was "supposed" to.  It pretty much became a method of me picking out someone that I didn't want to be with and making sure that something on the list was there to eventually bail.  Now, I'm not working with anything and for someone as logical as me, this isn't working.  I feel like I'm floundering around.

First off, I'm not attracted to many guys, and I'm not just talking about physical attraction.  I'm not attracted to men that are stupid, and I don't usually know this until I've actually talked with them once.  It doesn't take long--a few minutes to know if someone is "smart".  I don't even bother with someone that isn't capable of keeping my attention.  Don't get me wrong.  I was raised by my Grams and I can certainly carry the conversation if necessary.  I know plenty of guys that will tell my friends they are interested and my response is no.  I'm a handful--probably more like two handfuls.  There are very few guys that can "control" that attention.  I can have my stupid conversations with my friends.  I don't require my friends, female or male, to have a lot in common with me.  I have a huge band of interests.  I don't even expect the guy I date to have all the same interests--how boring would that be?  But if he can't keep up and even exceed me in the first real conversation that we have, I have totally lost any interest from that point on.

Of course, the other thing is a guy has to really be able to appreciate that I am a girly girl and a total tomboy at the same time.  I don't think most guys can really appreciate this.  They either want the tomboy or the girly girl--the same package for both seems to confuse most guys.  I also don't play "girl" games.  I will not try to manipulate a situation to my advantage.  I don't have the time to bother.  When I get sick of a game, I stop and just walk away.  I'll admit I have given up on guys just because the minute they start listening to drama women (or men for that matter) who know nothing about me, rather than attempt to defend myself, I just drop the idea completely.  I do not have the time, nor should I or anyone for that matter, to defend myself against false accusations.  Either you want to get to know me and decide for yourself or you don't.  I spent 6 months once begging and pleading with an ex-boyfriend that knew things he was being told weren't true, even told me so, but didn't want to defend me.  I've had plenty of friends defend me that did so because they are my friends, and I don't expect anyone dating me that hasn't got to know me yet to necessarily defend me.  But I do expect them to have the gumption to say they are their own person and they will decide for themselves.  I'm friends with a couple of ex-boyfriends.  They will defend me most ardently to this day.  They know who I am--we just weren't right for each other.  I don't have time for someone that is going to listen to others.  I have become friends with a couple of guys that I walked away from.  They then want to restart dating.  I guess there's a window where this is acceptable.  Most of them let that window close before they come to that conclusion.  But it takes a lot of internal strength to walk away from someone when they decide to hurt you, and giving them a "second" chance, well, sometimes it just doesn't make sense to risk them suddenly listening to other people again.  You can't have a good relationship with someone where you don't believe they've got your back.  If they listened to others once, then you already know that risk is there.  Most people are not as complicated as I am, so most people try to bundle me in a box and usually their box is completely made up.  I don't have the time to be stuffed in a box.

This is probably why I've dated some of the guys I have.  It's really much easier to date someone that you know deep down that you are going to throw out sooner or later.  The list was full of things that I don't like.  It's really easy to find that and date that.  Finding what I actually want.  Well, I don't really have any list.  What's here is it.  I mean it's not that complicated until you realize that I meet like maybe 1 or 2 guys a year tops that meet these requirements.  I think the girly girl, tomboy thing really establishes a major issue most of the time.  Some guys are fascinated by it.  Usually a very bad sign.  Some guys are intimidated by it.  Also a very bad sign.  Some guys listen to other people that are confused and intimidated by it.  Not so good either.  Usually the 1 or 2 fall into one of these 3 categories.  But oh well.  This is where I shrug my shoulders and figure what's meant to be will be.  I'm not sure other women have these problems too.  Maybe, maybe not.  Doesn't really matter.  Each of us is one of a kind even if we share certain similarities.  This blog is probably just about me.

Remember to say thank you my friends...haters gonna hate...

I don't know what it is about December, but I always notice that more bitches, female AND male, have to talk shit about other people.  It's like every single insecurity that they have comes teeming to the top and they totally need to put down people that they are jealous of in order to try and make their teeming mountain of personal issues and shit "less" noticeable.  Not that it works.  We can see that you are doing more ugly shit than normal.  But normal people don't give a shit.  The only people listening are the ones that are doing the same stupid shit you are.  Oh, I know, people like this do not read my blog.  Give me a break, but sometimes this blog is for my readers  who experience the same shit I do.  We all have at least one little feeble minded hater who is so green with envy they can't help but try to talk shit about us.  

Let's face it.  For the most part I've got my life together, and nothing attracts haters more.  I've got a good job, because I have a good work ethic.  It's not that hard to have a good work ethic.  When stuff needs to get done, get it done.  Simple.  It means I've got a roof over my head and I can afford to eat, drink and be merry.  So it's not surprising that jealous and insecure annoys me.  I worked hard to get where I'm at, and I've taken life's punches, picked myself back up, and found the courage to keep trying.  It's called life.  Get the hell over it.  If you are that worried about those of us with our lives semi-together, then you are truly a pathetic piece of shit.   

So, I look a lot younger than I am--good genes and good sense.  This sometimes is a blessing and sometimes a curse.  When it comes to jealous women, well, more curse, but it's not my fault you tried every illegal drug and even though you're 10 years younger than me look like a Mack truck drove over your face, twice.  That's your own fault.  Own it like a bitch instead of an insecure skankapotamus.  I always love when 20 something girls, usually the drug heads that don't realize I would knock them from here to next Christmas, that try to make me feel bad for actually looking younger and try to focus on my couple extra pounds.  Uh, sweetie, you look like you're in your mid to late 30s.  Lay off the random dick and the drugs.  Geez.  I'm in my 40s and I'm damn proud of it.  Sure I may have been a pothead at some point in my life, and I may advocate for it to be legalized.  Most of the potheads I know are too laid back to go all insecure judgmental whore on other women or men.  But yea, sweetie all the coke, crank, meth, whatever has you aging in dog years. You'll be older than anyone you are jealous of by your next birthday.  

One of my friends years ago insinuated it had to do with the bars.  Oh, puh-lease.  I did the non-bar, hanging out with friends at their houses, and doing the neighborhood parties.  Talk about judgment.  Except now all my nosey neighbors were talking about me instead random shits that I only see when I go to the same bars they're at.  You can't get away from the nosey neighbor.  I have one now.  She's a blessing and a curse.  She reminds I never want to be a busy body and at the same time warns me if a random white van has been sitting in the neighborhood.  I'll take it for what it is.  Good to know information and the less she knows about me the better.  

NO, no, no, I do not "need" a man.  I've never understood why a woman without a man has to have something "wrong" with her.  Frankly, I don't even know if I want one.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the idea of being in love again.  But I expect when I look into someone's eyes, not only do I have that feeling of being in love, but that feeling of "I've got you".  There's nothing wrong that I don't look actively.  I do not need to be on some dating website looking day in, day out.  And not having a man doesn't make me some super bitch or a cat lady (can't actually stand most cats--except my nephew's...his are totally cool) or a lesbian or whatever.  What it means is I have standards.  Not even high ones.  I want someone who is smart, sarcastic, attractive to me and the real feeling you get when you really care for someone along with the real look that you get and they get when you look at each other.  I have plenty of friends that have this, so I know it exists.  I'm not a degenerate because I don't have it.  I've never understood why people make excuses for a man who doesn't have a relationship but if you're a woman there must be something wrong with you.  What's wrong with me is that I don't give a shit.  It's not that important.  I pay my own bills and I'd rather be alone than with someone that I don't have that flutter for or that ultimately makes me miserable.  I'm that "ride or die" girl.  I'm not giving that to anyone again that isn't 100% there for me also.  It's not my fault that you are so busy devaluing yourself that the rest of us that are actually holding out for the right one make you even more jealous and insecure about who you are.  You've made the same mistakes that I have when it comes to dating...ah hell, who are we kidding?  You've probably swapped and pulled trains.  Sit down and shut up.  

Now don't get me wrong.  Am I worried about what some jealous little pathetic half pint of a person thinks?  Do you really think that any of us that are comfortable with our lives care?  No, we really don't.  We just get tired of you running your mouths like you're somebody.  If you were actually somebody, you wouldn't have anything to say.  I don't know what's so bad in your life that you really feel the need to put other people down, but here's the difference between you and me.  I don't give a shit what's wrong in your life.  You're not my friend or family.  You're just some random acquaintance that I may or may not even remember your name.  I don't want to know you well enough to talk shit about you and I don't have the time like you to make up random shit just to try and make myself sound better than you.  By running your mouth about me, you've already proven I am better than you.  Thanks.

What are you afraid of?

The holidays are hard on everyone.  Some of us have to deal with being reminded that we are alone.  How we cope with being alone is different for each of us, but there are some similarities too.  If you are like me, you spend more time with friends, more time cooking, more time drinking, and more time trying to avoid "catching" feelings for anyone.  Those of us that are single but have been hurt before tend to be jumpy--we go between wanting to be with someone and wanting to run away.  We want to find the right person, but we don't trust ourselves to choose the right person.  And even if we do trust ourselves enough to take the risk, the holidays actually remind us that we made the mistake before.  It can sometimes be overwhelming.  

In my case, I never wanted to get married.  I left a fiance in the lurch to join the military--literally on a whim.   I just wanted to see the world, live my life, never have anyone telling me what to do or when to do it.  I saw a relationship as a non-starter.  When I started dating my ex-husband, that all went out the window.  I did what a lot of us do when we fall in love; I was that "ride or die" girl.  I had his back no matter what.  Until I caught him cheating on me.  I was devastated and broken.  Someone once said to me that my relationship with him was the biggest mistake of my life.  I actually even felt that way for a time, and even in some ways, I still feel like trusting him was a big mistake.  But then I look at our boys and I know.  It was a great mistake.  I wouldn't have them without him.  I mean sure, I might have had children with someone else eventually, but my boys?  No.  I wouldn't have them.  Without him, they wouldn't exist.  What is meant to be will be.  

But can you count on what is supposed to be will be?  I'm not sure about that.  I wish I could be, but we never really know.  If you believe the basics of quantum mechanics, then it stands to reason that yes, what is meant to be will be.  But only certain points in time are "meant to be".  Pinnacle points in time have to happen--but how they happen, when they happen, in what order--that can vary.  So let's say I was supposed to meet someone but he wasn't going to be ready when I was or vice versa.  Basically we'll call this point A in my life.  I'm supposed to meet this amazing guy who would be the world to me and vice versa.  Now let's say there are 5 of these fixed points in my life and everything else is fluid.  So there's A, and B, C, D, E also.  We like to think that these points would go from A to B to C to D to E.  But that's because our minds work that way.  We see things linearly.  However, in truth these points don't have to happen in that order.  Point E might have been the first point I got to and the rest are occurring in a different order because the time in between these points is fluid.  So point A still has to happen and it doesn't necessarily happen the same way it would have if it had come first.  Yes, I know confusing.  But that's the most basic description.  Meeting my ex might not even have been any of the 5 points.  Seriously.  It might have been that fluid time in between that is trying to get me to one of those points.  

For example, how do you think I ended up living where I do now?   At one point my ex actually wanted to move to the area I live now, 3 years before I caught him cheating.  He wasn't from this area; he had met some people--a band through a friend of his.  My rebound relationship--and the guy turns out to be from near by and he convinces me to move here.  I have never had a sister--but the person that most people know as my sister I met within a year or so of moving here.  Her family was from the same town as my mother's parents.  Her husband, well, remember that fiance I left in the lurch?  Her husband used to babysit him.  Their families owned adjacent farms in Michigan.  I moved north after graduating from Clemson in spite of my sister trying to convince me not to.  Her mother died while I was up there, so I was there to lend support for the funeral.  Then I moved west and I realized that the only place I ever felt like I was home was here.  I came back and I've told my kids I won't leave here again.  

Do I think my "Prince Charming" is here?  I don't know.  I just know that I'm not going anywhere else.  Do I think your prince or princess is where you are?  I don't know that either.  All I know is that every mistake I've made in my life--including my ex--has resulted in me learning something or being there for someone or something.  Of course, that's always all in hindsight.  But every "mistake" I've made led me here, so I have to think that there must be some rhyme or reason behind that.  Fate, God, quantum mechanics, whatever.  So I'm thinking my point A, my Prince Charming, my unicorn is probably a point that couldn't happen when I would have liked it to.  Simple as that.  

Am I afraid of falling in love again?  No.  Am I afraid of trusting someone again like I did my ex?  Yes.  I was all in.  I trusted him implicitly.  That is not something that I have had the ability to do since.  So why?  Well, trust is earned once you've been burned.  But that doesn't mean that I have to push anyone away anymore because well I can't find out if they are trustworthy without giving them the chance to prove themselves.  That applies to friends and even more so to someone that you might want to fall in love with.  Friends develop over time into better friends or people that you wouldn't trust as far as you could throw them.  So the only difference with falling in love is that at some point you decide you are all in.  I wrote in a previous blog that you should find the right amount of crazy for your asshole or vice versa.  How will I know that if I don't take a chance when I meet someone I like?  I won't.  And neither will you.  We have to take a chance or we'll never find out if the person in front of us is the right or wrong person.  

There's an argument that we have no choice when the right person comes along, and yet, all the time in between is fluid.  So even when the right person presents themselves, you, me, anyone of us, has to make the choice to try again.  That's it in a nutshell.  The holidays always, always, always, remind us of our mistakes.  But that is not how it's supposed to be.  So this Christmas try and remind yourself of the things that you've done right or that turned out right even when you think it all went to hell.  Because everything happens for a reason even if it happens differently than expected.  Oh and have a very Merry Christmas!  

2016 Promises in Review and New Year's Promises for 2017

So last year's new year's promises to myself...for my newer readers, I never make resolutions.  I try to keep all the promises I make to others so it just makes more sense to make promises to myself of what I want to do for me.  I've discovered after reviewing those new year's promises last year that I didn't keep all of them.  But I did one hell of a job keeping the more important ones.  So maybe some of the "less" important ones I'll just have to make come true in 2017.  I think I was pretty ambitious given what a shit year 2016 was pretty much for everyone.

So first, what promises did I keep?  More concerts--EPIC SUCCESS!!  Duran Duran.  Seriously.  Who cares what other concerts I made?  I actually saw Rick Springfield and entourage that included Night Ranger and the Romantics.  And I saw a lot more local and regional bands!! Which truth be told is my favorite thing to do over riding my motorcycle.  Love, love, love live music!!  Enjoy my life, even if I don't have someone to share it with.  Well, another success!  I did manage to spend a small fortune on taking friends with me that couldn't afford to do the things that I like to do.  I went to Charlotte for a race, and of course, did Darlington again this year!!  Granted I've kind of decided that if you can't afford to go, I may or may not be willing to foot the bill.  Some people prove to be very, very unappreciative and even weasel out of the things they said they would pay for.  Neither here nor there!  It was awesome!!  I enjoyed every minute regardless because the one thing that I definitely had learned in 2015 was that you decide if someone else is going to ruin your good time.  And no one is ruining my good time anymore when I'm doing something special. Still don't understand why anyone would do this--create drama or an argument to ruin what otherwise would be an awesome memory.  But, I just don't actually care why anymore.  If we need to argue it out, we can do that after we get home and by then guess what?  Who cares?  Because the good times overcast whatever wasn't "right".  More time with friends?  Hell yes!! I went to St Patty's in Savannah with one of my best friends to visit another best friend and his girlfriend!! We had so much fun!!!  By spending more time with my friends, I found out which ones weren't worthy also.  That's good though.  It was a year to spend with real friends--and that means weeding out the less worthy.  There are some friends that I will go out of my way for.  And if you are one of the friends that survived this year and still hear from me fairly regularly, well, count yourself in that group.  I'm a loyal and dedicated friend--but another 2015 lesson--only to those that prove loyal to me.  To those that have been, thank you!!  I love you even if we only talk a couple times a year!!  Less time doing what other people want me to do.  I have spent the last 20 years of my life doing what everyone else wanted to do.  I like to just follow sometimes.  It's easy and I'm not really a picky person, but damn it.  What I learned in 2015 was that some people will take advantage of that to the nines.  Everyone needs someone that respects what they want to do at least once in a while.  I do a lot for others when I can, but I finally learned that doing for myself isn't a damn crime.  This year really helped me redefine those limits.  I'm very proud of myself.  The biggest, most major, beyond epic success?!?!?  Less time with draining people!!   Like I said some people don't hear from me anymore at all.  They don't realize what a drain they can be.  It has to be their way.  Or they are drunks.  Or they just backstab the hell out of other people in front of me which means it's likely they are backstabbing the hell out of me  when I'm not there making sure they are behaving themselves.  WTH.  Well, no, not WTH.  Buh, buh, bye.  So that's 6 out of 10 promises that I have been super at this year!!  YAY ME!!!

What 4 did I miss?  Beach.  Didn't go to the beach once this year.  Who cares?  I went to two races, concerts, rode my motorcycle whenever I wanted.  Hiking.  No, didn't do that this year either.  Okay so those are so minor, plus so easily moved to 2017.  Germany.  Well, Morg is going to be in Germany until the summer....so yes, technically another one easily moved to 2017.  And the final promise, finish my novel.  Well, it's halfway done.  So for someone working full time and living my life my way and working on a non-profit for vets with PTSD.  I'm thinking I've done pretty good getting it halfway.  So moving the completion to 2017 isn't a failure by any means.

So what promises for this year?  Well, let's see.

1.  We'll bunch the superficial ones into one.  Go hiking more.  Go to the beach.  Go to the Joe for the last Red Wings season at the Joe.  Go to a Clemson game in Death Valley.  Go to a bowl game.  Go to my brother's wedding.  Go to more concerts.  Go to Darlington again.  Maybe try Bristol or the Brickyard 400 this year.  Drags in Charlotte or Atlanta.  Roller coasters--another favorite thing.  Maybe this is the year to do Sturgis!!

2.  Visit more friends that live elsewhere.  I have friends in Arkansas, Florida, Tennessee, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Kansas, Hawaii, Italy, Illinois, Wisconsin, California....Let's consider this a success if I get to 3 this year.  Sounds do-able.

3.  So this one.  I've thought about it, a lot.  I don't actually want a bad relationship, but I don't actually want to be alone either.  I got rid of the nightmare list in 2016 I had been keeping for the last decade that seemed more counterproductive to meeting the "right" guy.  Granted with a lot of poking and proding from my sister, and a couple of my best friends.  I now focus on the positives of someone, rather than looking for my way out.  If I need a way out, I don't need to be with "that" guy.  But I also know that I've met a couple guys over the last year that I wouldn't need an "out".  That stupid list was actually hurting more than it helped.  As of February this year, I would've been married.  I've wrote about it before.  One of my best friends wanted to marry me for over 15 years.  Until he died a couple years back.  We had agreed that we would marry for his 50th birthday if we were both still single.  That would be this February.  If he had been the "one", I would've married him one of the several times that he asked.  But, again, maybe that has been counterproductive too.  I always had that fall back plan--my safety net.  Of course, it really hit me this year that net is gone.  I don't want the wrong relationship, and that would've been the "wrong" one, but getting rid of the list.  Well, I've realized the "right" relationship isn't that hard to find.  We make it hard because we keep dwelling on what we don't want--our fears--especially of repeating mistakes or poor choices of the past.  We self sabotage ourselves when something good presents itself because when you take that leap the risk is there, and I am as guilty as anyone else.  But like I stated, dumped that list, and yes, granted a couple of guys that presented themselves were more nonsense than they were worth, but I cussed them out and dropped them faster than the drama they could spew got started.  An awesome side effect to getting rid of the list.  Instead of saying I can date him for a while and that will annoy me more later.  Nope.  Bye.  However, in case you missed it.  I also met a couple guys that have a lot of positives.  I'm not saying that any of the ones that showed potential this year are the "right" one, but I think my odds--just by my own outlook--have gone up exponentially.  So while this is a tall order, and a promise that might be much harder than any of them I made myself last year or any year for that matter, I think I owe it to myself--and my friend's memory.  He thought the sun rose and set in me. While I have always thought that was seriously overkill, and even a bit overwhelming, I have to admit that as intelligent as he was, he couldn't have been completely wrong.  So I promise myself that if the "right" relationship presents itself I will actually be "all in".

That's it.  I think that last one is a doozie, so I think 3 is all I can handle this year.  I wish all my friends a very Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays for my Wicca, agnostic, Jewish, et ales friends, and for all of you a very Happy New Year and best wishes for a very wonderful and fruitful 2017.

Sex can save your sanity?

There's nothing I hate more than being up in the middle of the night for no reason.  There's plenty of good reasons to be up in the middle of the night.  No reason is certainly not one of them.  I'm probably pretty fortunate since this doesn't happen to me very much.  So what to do?  Well, what the hell, I'll write for you.  Now, since there's no reason I'm up, I'm not sure what to write about.  Well, that's probably bullshit.  I've got all kinds of things to write about.  But which subject in the middle of the night?  Well, that's pretty damn simple since earlier today I saw this post about lack of sex being related to mental health issues like depression, anxiety and paranoia.  I can't argue with that.  Sounds "sound" to me, but is it really sound?

First, before you younger girls that have rode more bulls and ponies than a rodeo cowboy, no, sweetie.  It is not a good idea for you to start screwing everything in town.  There are endorphins that release during sex that are the same as the ones when you eat chocolate.  This is caused by oxytocin and it is related to making us feel "happy".  Problem is that the drop from that euphoria is different with sex rather than chocolate.  There's really no guilt from having a little piece of chocolate unless you are unhappy with your weight--and even then I have never felt that guilty after scarfing down a Snickers bar.  However, there is a lot of negative emotions that can follow sex.  Anyone that has ever slept with an ex and then laid there thinking "what the hell was I thinking?" absolutely can understand that.  So random sexual encounters can cause a lot of hidden stress on you.  I used to have a friend that had a lot of random partners.  One, she aged faster than the rest of us for the most part.  But even when she seemed happy there was an emptiness and a bit of jealousy whenever any of our group had a boyfriend.  The negative emotions just aren't worth it.

But still, is there any "science" behind the idea that sex helps you feel more emotionally healthy?  Well, certainly the release of oxytocin is some amount of proof.  Oxytocin is actually a hormone that results in the release of endorphins.  Oxytocin itself is related to child birth--it helps contract the muscles in a woman's abdomen, and for men, it helps with testosterone and sperm release.  But, it's called the "cuddle hormone"?  Yes, because when positive things, like having fun with your dog--assuming you love your dog--can increase the oxytocin also.  Of course, there are all the positives associated with oxytocin, but there is a study that shows that oxytocin release was also released with negative association with men that had "mommy issues"--aka. negative bonding experiences.  The end result is the exact opposite of the "cuddle" reputation that oxytocin normally has.  This is still an emotional hormone released in the brain so it is affected by, no surprise here, your mental state of mind.  It improves your overall feeling, but the euphoria is going to be temporary.  If it is associated with negative response, then the fall from the euphoria is not going to be that good.  Another reason to avoid the random sex partners.

While we're on that whole random thing, keep in mind also that it's different for mentally "healthy" men versus mentally "healthy" women.  Oxytocin affects bonding for both, but again, it affects men differently than it does women.  In recent studies, oxytocin tends to help men identify competitive relationships while it appears to help women become more facilitating.  Another words it makes men more competitive and women more accommodating.  If we are talking about me, who we usually use as example, I'm pretty much happy as a clam when I'm getting laid regularly.  I've stayed in a couple really crappy relationships just for the sex--bending over backwards for someone that wasn't mentally healthy.  After reading the study for this paragraph, I'm thinking there might be a lot of women that do this.  But I've also noticed in those "negative" relationships, that the men have once you want out become desperate to keep you under their thumb.  In hindsight, the competitive nature that is released may actually be cause for that.  There's plenty of sayings--regardless of mental health level that could be associated with the "competitive" streak of oxytocin.  A man wants a challenge?  A man only wants you when you are walking away?  Even in someone that is pretty mentally healthy overall, it also can increase negative responses, bringing back early emotions that may be negative bonding experiences.  There are studies now that show that it may also emphasize all emotions.  It has in some studies been shown to make some too sensitive, too emotionally vulnerable.  It all is going to tend to your mindset.

So is sex actually mentally healthy for you?  Well, yes and no.  If you are in a healthy relationship, absolutely.  If you are working towards a relationship, I would say yes.  If you are in an abusive relationship, it sounds like it might be counterproductive.  If you're just running from random to random, it doesn't sound like it.  It sounds like that the "cuddle" hormone might be reeking havoc whether you're male or female--just the havoc is going to vary from person to person based on your own emotional state.  I don't think anyone could argue against sex being healthy for two people in a good relationship.  But I don't think sex is going to be making anyone insane sane.  :)

Just the right amount of asshole for your crazy....

Do people not date anymore?  I know plenty of people that are happily married that have "date nights".  Seems like having "dates" makes better relationships.  So why is it that some people don't date anymore?  Dating takes work.  I know plenty of people that meet in a bar, hang out in the bar together, go home, have sex and often it blooms into a relationship.  Then next thing you know their relationship is over.  Well, at some point, this has to turn into a real relationship.  Hanging out at the bar isn't what most people view as a relationship.  At some point, they expect the relationship to go somewhere, but after you remove the group, the boose, the noise, the atmosphere, they have really nothing to talk about.  My last relationship started this way and pretty much ended when I no longer wanted to hang in the bar in order to keep the relationship.  Very few of us, male or female, can hang day in and day out in a bar.  But it's where most people meet anymore.  In fact, "dating" experts actually now recommend hanging out in a sports bar once in a while if you're a woman hoping to meet the right guy.  Big change from 20 years ago where they told women to stay out of the bars if you wanted to meet a nice guy.  It's not that nice guys don't go to the bar.  It's that nice guys don't hang out in the bar day in and day out.  And well, nice guys still date, and so do the ones that aren't the type you want to date.  What?  Yes, men and women still date--it's just that dating is difficult.

Why so difficult?  Well, one of you has to actually want to get to know the other person.  A date requires conversation--dinner, lunch, coffee, going to a museum, pretty much even if you go to a movie or some kind of show, you're actually going to have to talk in the vehicle on the way there and the way back.  Talking and getting to know someone else is really pretty difficult for many people.  Alcohol removes these inhibitions.  The fear of saying the wrong thing or being concerned with how the other person views you kind of disappears, but too much interferes with you being able to remember what you are finding out about the other person.  So I'm not saying that you don't have a drink or even go to a bar on a date, but a date does actually require you to focus on the person that you are with, not your friends that just walked in or that greener grass that you haven't had the nerve to show interest in until you had competition for them sitting there "supporting" your ego.  I actually had this happen.  I was supposed to meet a guy--he had asked me to meet him at a local bar and maybe get something to eat later.  I was running late, text him that I would be there just a bit late because of an issue that came up with my kid.  I text him that I'm on my way and he texts back "okay".  Next idiot that texts me "okay" I may just get into my pj's and call it a night.  Why?  I get there and he's chatting up two women.  This didn't bother me.  It was a place where at least half the bar knows everyone in the bar.  Neighborhood place.  So he leans in to my ear and tells me that he's being drowned with their drama.  So no big deal.  I tell him I'm going to wish a friend a happy birthday that is there and I'll be right back.  And I was--didn't take even 3 minutes to say happy birthday and give her a hug and walk back.   I stand there while now only one of the women is remaining chatting him up.  I stand there for my first and a second beer.  Finally, I ask him what's going on, and he shrugs, "she's a lot of drama" he tells me.  I told him fine and that I was going to go sit with my friends and come over when he gets done listening to her.  Eventually it was obvious that he was getting hit on.  Give me a break.  Now don't get me wrong.  I wasn't mad.  There was nothing to be mad about.  Never date more asshole than you can handle--a player, someone that would actually makes plans with one woman and then pick up another--well, spare me the excuses.  Likewise with women.  Drop these types of people immediately.  They aren't dating.  They are using "dates" as crutches to make themselves more "desirable" or to prop up their weak egos by having you as a fall back plan.  You can't get to know someone if they are too weak to have a conversation with you when they ask you out.

Another difficulty is that women don't typically ask men out, and most men while flattered, this still somehow attacks the male ego.  There's some sort of balancing act we women are supposed to tread--one where the guy doesn't feel too afraid to ask and one where we don't become too actively interested.  Don't ask me.  I've asked guys out.  Trust me--doesn't work.  The harder you seem to get, the more interested a man is.  Of course, if they perceive you as too hard to get, then they are too, for lack of a better word, afraid to tell you that they are interested.  Of course, in the reverse, I know plenty of wonderful women that can't understand why they don't get asked out or when they do it's some jerk like I posted in the previous paragraph.  Well, jerks have way more ego--or maybe they've been shot down so much they've become inoculated to it.  Most guys have to feel like the risk of asking in the first place isn't going to be a huge shotgun to the ego.  They don't want to feel stupid anymore than women do.  It's a gamble no matter whether male or female.  You don't know until you try, but if you get burned often enough accepting dates with jerks or being shot down, well, it just becomes that more difficult to want to try to go out with anyone.

But here's the main reason you're not going on dates.  You're not expecting it and/or you're not requiring it for yourself.  "Hooking up" or "hanging out with a group" has taken over the dating concept.  Only it's not dating.  Dating takes work--hanging out doesn't.  Dating means that you want to put your best foot forward and you are presenting yourself as a real possibility.  Hanging out is hoping it all falls together without any work.  Now, here's the funny part--when you date someone that has real potential, maybe "the one" if you believe in that, it does just fall together without much work.  I joke with my friends "all women can be crazy to some level and all men can be assholes to some point, so don't date more crazy than your asshole can handle".  I believe cheating dogs, male or female version, tend to be so crazy or such assholes that they can't get enough of the balance without having more than one.  Don't feel bad that you weren't crazy or asshole enough.  But one thing about those types is they love the "hanging out" and "hooking up" if you let them.  Plenty of outs that way.  Now, here's a shocker--if you are like me--a dating type, someone who genuinely tries to get to know the other person, those types will actually succumb to "dating" just to make you happy--for a time.  So don't think that all of the sudden you start requiring dating time that the person you are dating is actually "dating" you.  You'll figure it out in time if they aren't.  If you're really lucky, they'll let you know like that idiot in the first paragraph did.  Oh and don't think that I didn't at least give him a second chance--a colossal waste of my time, but yea, so no, I'm not immune.  I'm perfectly capable of ignoring my own advice.

Dating is supposed to be something you both like to do.  When we are younger, we are more willing to do things with someone we care about just because they like it.  As we get older, dating really requires us to find someone with common  ground.  Our tolerance for giving up who we are for someone else goes down.  I think this is a reason for a lot of divorces to be honest.  One person is more demanding than the other, so the relationship becomes uneven in one person's mind.  The bigger the asshole or crazy bitch, the more they are going to take and take and take, but if you find the amount of crazy that matches the amount of asshole, well, things balance out.  Start dating to find that match.

Group Think or Broadened Horizons

Let's face it.  I've never marched to the beat of any drum other than my own.  My family while proud of my military service now certainly never wanted me to choose that.  Even when I was in the military I didn't receive accolades for towing the line.  I was an outside the box thinker and that was actually a huge plus in the military.  I've never needed, nor desired, everyone to agree with me.  It occurred to me at a very young age I didn't think like most people.  I liked to form my own opinion about people and things, regardless of "warnings" or negative feedback from others about anyone or anything.  If I liked you, it didn't matter that 10 people I also was friends with didn't like you, and as some can attest to even to this day, I'd give up ten "friends" demanding I not be friends with someone.  I didn't like being bullied as a kid, so it's probably of little surprise that I do not like it as an adult.  Bullied?  Yes, that's what we call it when group think takes over... We also use terms like mob mentality, "mean girls", and fascism. 

Is that a little over dramatic?  No, it's just a slippery slope where once on that slide many people can't, and even a lot of the times, don't want to get off.  Group think starts very simply.  For example, you hang with Joe and Bob.  The three of you all think that the same thing about cheerleaders.  Cheerleaders are all good looking, dumber than a box of rocks, and slutty.  Joe may think the slutty part more than you.  However, Joe is your buddy.  You don't really have any reason to disagree with him.  It is just easier to keep the peace.  Besides, what does it matter if you agree or not.  Eventually Joe has surrounded himself and you with people that either agree with him or just don't want to argue the point.  You start to realize that even the people that won't argue the point, although initially opposed to his idea that all cheerleaders are whores are now mimicking his rhetoric.  That's group think.  You begin to think as the group agrees or acquiesces to.  It is an unfortunate part of human nature.  

Some of us have a pack mentality and we can take that pack mentality to extremes.  Cults are a great example of the extreme. Of course, everyone knows that there is some amount of brainwashing that goes on with cults.  Never happen to us, right?  We're not going to be brainwashed, but that's already happening in the example with Joe and the cheerleaders.  You have given whatever your opinion is or was through consistent feedback supporting, or seemingly supporting, of Joe's opinion.  Joe's opinion has become fact for your group.  That's all fine and dandy.  But who cares about the cheerleaders anyway?  It's just an example.  Yet, I bet you, knowing my readership base, are are always confused by people that burn their neighborhood and loot in protest.  Admittedly, no matter how we look at it, it seems ridiculous.  Nonsensical.  Yet it occurs over and over.  And no, not just blacks.  This has been a common occurrence over centuries, even here in the USA with common white folk in the early 1900s when there were no labor laws to protect the average workers.  But still, even then, completely ridiculous.  Yet as a group begins to anger, it's a proven fact over and over, eventually the anger becomes its own force.  One person throws something--a punch, a chair, a rock, whatever-- and the feeding frenzy begins.  Average everyday human beings turn into piranha.  And no, it doesn't have to be anger about an issue. I'm sure some remember people literally beating the crap out of each other for Cabbage Patch Kids??  A Christmas present for their kids and they literally lost their damn minds fighting over them.  A group can quickly become a mob, especially when they feel like they are the majority or that they all are wanting a limited amount of something.  People have trampled other people to run away from something.  The pack just takes off and pays no attention to what we would normally view as acceptable behavior.  

Well, you're not one of those people, but really?  Ask yourself these questions:  When someone disagrees with you do you immediately ask someone else who agrees with you to "help" you "win" the discussion?  Do you pretty much have only friends who agree with you on pretty much most stuff?  Most people?  I know plenty of very educated people that maintain only people like themselves as friends.  They don't have the ability to make nice with people that don't share their beliefs and opinions.  How am I friends with them?  Because I share some of their opinions, but I can tell you that many of them when they get irate with me over something we disagree on--well, we are never going to be real friends.  Do I care if they don't want to be friends anymore?  No, actually it's a big relief.  I had one friend who literally threaten another friend because they had two different opinions--opposed opinions.  I had a totally different opinion than either of them, but the one "friend" got pissed at me because if I didn't agree with him and in his mind that meant I had to agree with the other friend.  Needless to say, he and I are no longer friends and we had been good friends for a while.  You do not threaten someone just because they disagree with you.  Geez.  But he was so entrenched with like minded friends, other than me, that he couldn't see how anyone could be friends and not agree.  He literally carried his group think with him at all times.  

Am I immune to group think?  I don't think anyone is immune.  You have to actively make the effort to expand your mind and intentionally maintain friends with people who are different than you.  I'm not sure how easy that is for some people.  For those that use the Myers & Briggs system in personality assessment--the overall mix of the 16 personality types seems like you easily would find people like you since Myers & Briggs Foundation shows that is seems like a relatively even mix.  We all know this is ridiculous.  We know that 2% of the population are gifted--you can drop them in the worst neighborhood, in the worst school, with nothing to help them excel--and yet, if they are part of that 2% they will excel.  A system used by many companies, Enneagram Institute's personality indicators divides us into 256 personalities with 9 basic types instead of 16 based on 4 basics.  Now, when we think about that--bam!  Now we understand why it might be easy for some to find people that match them and difficult for others--It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize 256 different personalities would more easily explain why some of us find it difficult to associate with people different than ourselves.  Should we try?  I don't know.  It depends on you.  I always try.  It helps me learn more and I still want to learn something new everyday.  If you have to have that support, can't be open to other people's points of view, need other people to agree with you on everything, then it's probably not for you.  I'd love to tell you to try, but if you are thinking about trying, then don't worry.  You're not one of the people that can't.  You're just one of the people that never thought about it.  It's a step to getting away from being at risk for group think, mob mentality and the negative impacts they can have.  Exchange of ideas and broadened horizons are on the other side of that effort.  Well worth the effort if you can do it.   

And this is how dating ends..

Unquestionable loyalty.  I don't know.  Maybe that's what makes a real relationship.  I have unwavering loyalty for my friends.  I know the makes me pretty bad ass by most standards.  But unwavering loyalty for a partner?  A man?  Well, technically I've done that, rode that pony, and been thrown.   I'm absolutely sure that I know plenty of guys that feel the same way.  I see my girls and my guys, all wishing.   I'm not the only one.

Of course, love just doesn't work that way. I'm not really sure how it works.  I've watched friends, both, dating, each other, fight and argue because others just keep stirring the shit.  You'd think it would've died.  It might've if they hadn't realized someone was screwing their opportunity.  It doesn't matter how.  What matters is they are still together.  It's arguably true that love survives all.  Because all the fuckers trying to end it, jealous or ugly or just looking for entertainment, have no control over true love.

Hahaha... Okay maybe.  Do I believe?  Well I love to.  In true love anyway.  But I don't.  I mean come on.  I'm 40+... Grown children.  I just pray I taught them what is or isn't right they know it when they see it.  My Granddaddy always said you know.  You know it's love.  Of course he was a heavy drinker by today's standards.  Yet, I was supposedly the child of true love.  That didn't actually work for my parents either.  So then, what is true love?

Then you realize love is what you give.  It's not about true anything. Nope.  True love is how you feel. About the "one".  About friends that you think of as family.  About anyone that has always been there for you. As you get older, the odds that the person or persons you meet will always be there for you, well, they are fewer and farther between.  Partially because dedicated are thinner as we get older, I'd argue they were always thin, or we just become more guarded.

So what do we do?  Just keep trying.  It's human nature.  We try.  We want hope; any hope is trying.  If we happen to be in love, then we keep trying.  I lost a really good friend a few years ago.  I was supposed to marry him in February.  But if I really wanted to, if he was really the one, we all know... Well I know.  I would've married him years ago.  There's simple as simple gets.  My life would've been super easy if I had.  He even made that argument.  But I'm a dumbass with heart.

If you ask me if I feel like I failed myself or my boys, well, no.  I didn't. My boys didn't live with a poor example of love.  Okay, granted they didn't live with an example of real love either.... But they get this is their story to write way better than I did.  What I know is being alone is better than less than perfect for me.  What they know is find your unicorn, your perfect, your Gumby, your perfect wand.  It's not that it doesn't exist.  It's just that we fool ourselves with youth and fantasy.  Reality can be amazing when you don't kill it before it gets started or start too early.

What are you really Thankful for?

Thanksgiving.  Happy Thanksgiving.  I'm seeing it a lot today, but have you ever really thought about what you are really thankful for?  I mean besides the most obvious--family, friends, good health, et cetera.  We all have a lot of things that we are thankful for.  But very few of us have really thought about what we are deeply thankful for.  I know, when you read this, you think to yourself like I do, I know what I'm thankful for.  I'm thankful for my boys, for my life, for good friends...But what are we really thankful for?

There's a deeper meaning and lesson to Thanksgiving.  Sure most of us easily picture the first Thanksgiving meal as a friendly meal between the pilgrims and the natives.  Most know that it's because the natives assisted the Pilgrims in growing and cultivating their own food and helping them learn the land.  It's all very simple, right?  Did you know that the Pilgrims were not "Puritans"?  Did you know that the religious zealots that we now know as the Puritans came over after and that less than 25 years later had started a war with the native tribes in the area and were enslaving the natives?  The Pilgrims were separatists--wanting religious freedom from the Church of England.  The Puritans were religious zealots that wanted to impose their religion on others and viewed anyone not practicing their religion as "less" than them and damned.  That Thanksgiving dinner that all of us are taught in school did actually happen.  Between the Pilgrims and the Natives.  And the religious zealots came and ruined that with their extremism in less than 25 years.

Now, think about that this Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving was a day that people of different views, different races and different religious beliefs, came together to appreciate that they were able to work together and learn from each other.  It didn't take long for extremists to come along and ruin everything that they worked for.  What do we have to be thankful for?  We have so much more to be thankful for than just family and friends.  We have all kinds of amazing things in this beautiful country of ours to give thanks for.  We have religious freedom in spite of the Puritan zealots almost ruining it before the country even became colonies.  We have rights that people in other countries can only dream of.  We live however we choose as long as we do no harm to others.  We have the right to speak our opinions without fear of the state coming and arresting us.  We do not have a debtors prison which was common place in Europe only a couple hundred years ago.

I know--that's too deep for Thanksgiving, right?  Yet, that is what Thanksgiving is actually for.  We turned it into a "family" thing and somehow in the midst of that forgot what we are actually supposed to be thankful for.  Thanksgiving is an American holiday--we are supposed to be on this day--thankful for the country that blossomed in spite of severe adversity by the grace and the unity of a the Natives and the Pilgrims that day started what would eventually become this beautiful country.  Sure, be thankful for your family, your friends, the turkey on the table as they were that day.  I'm thankful for my boys, my friends, and all kinds of little things that apply to me only.  But don't forget that this holiday is an American, exclusively American holiday.  A day not just to be thankful for all the people sitting around the table with us, but all that makes America great.  Happy Thanksgiving and everything that it stands for.

True Love...One helluva conundrum....

First thing this morning I wake up to a friend's post talking about wishing "true love" still existed.  I can't help but think it's not that it doesn't exist.  I mean I know plenty of people in relationships that don't actually "love" each other, so it can seem like it.  Still I know people like my sister, who in spite of their ups and downs, that is still really love or one of my best friends who doesn't even believe in "soulmates" or "true love" who married her husband after only 3 months more than 20 years ago.  No matter what she says their relationship is "true love", to him, to her and to anyone that knows them.  Hell, one of my other best friends, she is married to her best friend and they've been happily together since high school. It's not that it doesn't exist.  It's just that I don't think it exists for me.  There I said it.  It simply doesn't exist for me.  My personality makes up 4% of the people on this planet and only 2% of that is female--I'm like 0.08% of the planet.  I don't need someone like me, but figure that the personality that compliments me has to be as rare.  I'm sure I had better odds when I was younger since the dating pool was larger but now?  The odds of me finding "true love" is like looking for a 400 year old shipwreck in the Laurentian Abyss.

For one, as we get older the single pool gets smaller, then gets people that are dismayed, yea let's call it dismayed, at failed relationships and divorces.  The single pool gets muddy with a lot of crap that has nothing to do with anyone other than the person that we were previously with or one previous huge failure in our minds.  If I'm honest, I have spent years with huge character flaws to avoid putting my heart at risk.  This is mostly my own fault if I'm really honest about it.  Not that everyone that I've dated have had huge character or psychological issues.  I just seemed to be picking very poorly.  One of the aforementioned best friends, would tell me that I had a "broke picker".  Maybe.  But in retrospect, I was intentionally picking the failed relationships from the start.  I didn't trust myself to pick a right one, so I would just settle in with the wrongest of the bunch--even when faced with multiple choices.  As we get older, those wrong choices are so much more prevalent it becomes easier and easier to pick the wrong one that even when a right choice presents itself it even feels more "right" to pick the wrong choice.

Yes, I know it sounds like circular logic.  It is.  It's like a merry go round from hell.  I've tried to alleviate this circular logic with FWB at one point.  That was a truly bad idea.  I have established a theory on FWB since and from observation of every single FWB relationship that I have ever known about, I have concluded this is absolutely true.  And truth be told, it's just common sense, although anyone entering into a FWB doesn't ever want to admit--regardless of which of the two in the FWB they are.  What two?  The fact is that whenever you have a FWB there is one that really genuinely doesn't want a relationship and one that actually does and hopes this will lead to it.  Sure, it is probably possible that some FWBs turn into real relationships, but the majority of the time, it is just what it is.  FWB.  One wants a relationship and hopes this might turn into it and the other really doesn't want one and hopes to find a real one while still getting laid.  Sooner or later, it's a recipe for disaster.  It simply doesn't work.

There's even a more ridiculous thing to consider when we think about FWB.  Sometimes we're actually in a FWB "relationship" and we don't even know it or acknowledge it.  The other person is just bidding their time until they find someone or something better.  Or they've just hit a low point--like desperate for sex--and they settle on us.  I know this is true, because yes, I have done it.  I have gotten into a "relationship", okay maybe more than one over the years, with no intention of sticking it out.  Zero, zilch, nada, just so I wouldn't have to sleep alone for a bit.  Eventually the guy would annoy the hell out of me with some habit that I didn't find endearing.  You know that old adage when you love someone you love everything about them even their flaws, well, when you enter into one of these types of relationships where you are just filling the void, eventually those flaws are like nails on a chalkboard.  They snore too loud, they chew too loud, they do this thing with their nose, they sing in the shower...who cares? Something about them annoys you.  With the right person, apparently from conversations that I've had with people that are now with the "right" person, it's not that annoys you--it's that it annoys you that you are with them.

Another one of my best friends used to say everything, pretty much anything, about any girl he dated was annoying as hell.  There wasn't a single thing any woman was ever going to do to make him happy.  He's not the only one.  I've listened to my guy friends enough over the years to know that what they can't stand about one woman is something they will describe as "cute" with the right woman.  And here's a shocker--it's the same for women.  We will overlook and even find an endearing quality in flaws for someone we love--but we can't do it for someone we don't.  I'm guessing it's human nature.  There's no way to truly quantify it other than it seems to be true.  I don't know.  I know I've never understood anyone overlooking cheating.  It does one hell of a number on the psyche when someone cheats on us.  But, I've known people that love someone so much that they will overlook that "flaw" (and yes, that's how they describe it as a flaw) because of love.  I'm not doing it, but it pretty much proves my case.  If they didn't truly love that person, they would be bolting for the door.

Being in love is actually pretty scary for those of us that have tried it before.  It's not something that we want to rush into when it happens again, and the fact is that when you fall in love, no matter how old we are, you just fall.  There's nothing preventing it.   Some of us want that feeling so desperately sometimes that we tell ourselves that we are in love when we know damn well we aren't.  Other times we see we are in love and we tell ourselves we aren't and run away as fast as we can.  I've done both.  Neither are actually smart.  I said I was smart (last blog), but I never claimed to be smart about everything.  Bottom line, the first choice is never working.  We weren't in love to begin with and we knew it.  We just wanted to be.  The second choice, well, no matter how the saying goes that "true love that's meant to be will be"--no, sometimes we screw things up so bad there's no coming back from it.  I've had past relationships where they screwed it up and ones, truth be told, where I have screwed it up.  Sometimes we have to admit there are lines that we can't cross if we truly love someone.  Problem is that most of the time we have yet to admit what those lines are until we've crossed them...and then it's too late.

Is there "true love"?  Of course there is.  All of us see it--we know it exists.  It comes down to does it exist for us?  For those of us that are single, stupid at relationships, self sabotaging, afraid, not willing to be hurt again, or whatever other lame brain excuse we can make for ourselves, does it actually exist for us?  Some people will never have "true love" because they had it once and it's still there for that one person.  I can think of one woman that I think of as one of the biggest manipulative sluts I know--yet, I know something about her that makes that statement incorrect.  She's still head over heels in love with her ex.  Whatever it was that went wrong there--it may or may not repair itself.  I have little doubt he's still in love with her.  But both of them are toxic to anyone else that they date.  They will never have "true love" because truth be told they never will let the "true love" they have go.  If you are like them, still holding onto some past relationship, well, you can never have what eludes you until you let go of what is gone.

Truth be told, most of us that want "true love" are just too scared to actually have it.  It's easier to recognize that feeling and immediately squash it before it gets started.  "Sex is everywhere.  Chemistry isn't."  Chemistry scares the hell out of us and running to the easiest thing is, well, just easier.  But Granddaddy used to say that "the easy route is the coward's route".  I used to think it was a stupid saying.  But when it comes to "true love"?  It's easier to pick the easier wrong choices than the ones that excite us, scare us, make our hearts beat faster.  We know when that heart gets going the risks have just doubled, tripled, multiplied immeasurably.  The risk of being hurt is far more difficult to face than finding a quick piece of ass.  But we will fool ourselves for the quick easy answer than risk ourselves for the scary heart pounding possibly real thing.  The real thing hurts for real when it ends.  The quick answer, well, we can just whine and cry about how it doesn't exist without ever actually getting hurt.  "True love" is not the easy route at first glance, but when it is "true love" it is once you take the leap.  Now that's one hell of a conundrum.

Hooray!!! Dating sucks!!!

Okay, back to blogging about what...dating of course.  So if you are one of my avid readers, you actually know how much I hate dating.  I hate it so much I normally only date guys that I know have an issue that I can walk away from.  Every guy I've dated since my ex-husband I always have that long list of issues that they will not work long term.  Yes, I pretend there isn't but all my best friends know that there is a heinous little list I keep on every single one of them with only one exception.  I have promised that I am not going to do this anymore.  So instead of going into a dating experience, yea let's call it an "experience", picking the potential guy apart, I have gone into it with a different frame of mind.  I look at what I like.  I consider their positives and when I see a flaw that is outside of what I can tolerate, rather than drop that on the "magic list" for ways out later on down the road, I just call it a day.

It's been really, and I mean really, really, easy so far.  First, by eliminating anyone for those faults that I would use as an excuse later, I avoid that entanglement of months or more of my life wasted on someone that I just genuinely wouldn't normally be interested in.  I'm pretty proud of myself there.  Over the last 6 months, I'm so very proud that I have been successful at this.  Honestly.  My mind is far too rational normally and I can easily cut off so-called friends.  It has normally been harder for me to cut off a guy that I've talked to a couple of times until they actually do something that is on the list to me specifically.  A favorite example is when I was in Kansas I dated this guy who was from the outside looking in perfect--great job, former military, very nice looking, but I immediately knew he didn't particularly care for me to have my own opinion.  It went on the list--the other stuff wasn't on a counter list.  Nope, just the fact that he might be good for a while, but not really for anything permanent.  I know a lot of women that would've looked at him as a cash cow--he had money--and focused on that.  I already gave you what I assessed as positives, but a deal breaker, for me anyway, allowing me to have my own opinions, and guess what?  I stayed around for a bit.  Like an idiot.  But was it idiotic?  I mean when I was done with him it was pretty easy to decide that he was never going to allow me to have my own point of view on shit, cuss him out and walk away.  Of course, he would've been eliminated on the first date if I had just cut him off as soon as that flaw hit the "magic list".  So yes, it's been super, super easy to cut anyone off immediately after I realize what flaw would make the "magic list".  Buh,buh,bye.

On the other hand, there was, well is, another side to this stupid promise I made myself.  I promised to only date someone who's "viable".  Now, let's consider this shall we?  "Viable" means that I focus on their positives.  This has been pretty easy too.  All I'm doing is eliminating someone the minute they show me something that would normally go on that "magic list".  So, what exactly is "viable"?  Well, I've been telling myself that it's someone that is what I need and what I actually like.  Okay, first, not to sound like a total smart ass, but that means he actually has to be a very smart guy--not necessarily book smart or formally educated but smart.  I'm interested in all kinds of things and know a whole lot about all kinds of absolutely useless information and I need someone that likewise has that issue to some degree.  They get me.  They make up all of my best friends, male and female, and therefore, if I really want my very best friend, the one that I couldn't live without, it stands to reason that they should have this quality.  So far, congratulate me, I've only had conversations with 2 men total that have gotten passed this stage in over 6 months.  I'm thinking that's not actually half bad.  Now that's not to say that there are not more out there; there probably are that I haven't actually talked to.  I don't expect my friends to be as smart as me, but my best friends do bring this quality to the table.  So far.  Two.  This is not like walking into a strawberry patch and being able to eat myself sick that is for sure.  Hell at this rate, I actually never needed the "magic list".

Of course, the "magic list" if we are really honest didn't exist so that I could eliminate anyone.  It existed because I didn't want to be alone but long term I didn't want to be stuck with anyone that was horrible to me.  Now, well, I guess I don't really care if I'm alone per se.  So it's something that has changed in me.  I still don't want to be hurt, but the un-viable if you spend long enough with them will hurt just as bad as the viable, except the truly viable, the right person, would never hurt us intentionally.  And they certainly would realize and figure out how to make it right if they did.  The biggest problem with the un-viable is that at a certain point you just don't want them to make it right--you just want them to go away.  The biggest problem with the viable--it actually hurts when it doesn't work for whatever reason and regardless of the time invested.  With an un-viable, there's really no time invested that is going to hurt to the core.  It might hurt for a while--it might confuse you for a longer time, but your heart knows it wasn't right and your head was just forcing it.  With viable, your heart is paying no attention and is getting way too excited over what might never work.  No matter how much your mind is telling it shut the hell up, the heart is basically a moron that just jumped on your sleeve and that shit is going to hurt.  Dating an un-viable is like jumping off a cliff with a parachute, a reserve and a safety net to catch you at the bottom.  You already know how it ends before it gets started.  Dating a viable is like jumping off a cliff.  You might go splat at the bottom but your heart is already overruling your mind and you're completely fucked.  It's fly or hit the ground.

Eventually your mind can rationalize anything, but you find yourself knowing that the viable is a lot more effort, a lot more energy and a lot, and I mean a lot, more risk.  If the risk is supposed to be worth the reward, the hardest part about dating anyone that actually excites the heart is that you have absolutely no idea whether the reward is worth it.  There's no way to calculate it like when you play the stock market.  With money you know how much is there to lose when you put it up in the first place.  Of course, one thing is absolutely for sure with the heart.  There's no way of knowing if the risk is worth the reward.  The risk is there no matter what and the more often we find out what we thought was viable isn't going to work, well, I suppose the harder it is to try another viable.  It's really tempting to go back to old patterns of sabotaging myself with an un-viable candidate.  Predictability is nice.  Of course, during this stupid little experiment, the one thing I've learned is that I'd rather be alone than with un-viable.  Hooray.

Again, turn off the moron switch...

The Deplorables are so proud of themselves.  Hahaha.  I didn't like Clinton calling anyone names, but then it didn't seem to phase any of the Trump fans when he said things about people far worse.  Plus, they took it as a badge of honor.  Thing about it is that they won.  I knew one of the two sides would win, and I suppose if I was in a state that my vote could have swung it one way or the other I would have had to sit down and try and decide which was actually the lesser of two evils.  I was fortunate.  I knew my state was landing flat on Trump's side.  My vote wasn't actually going to matter.  No way Johnson could take my state.  I just wanted to send a loud clear message that those of us that were familiar with how this shit works were ready to start voting outside the two parties.  Send the message to clean up their acts.  I'm just as angry as everyone else in this country.  I viewed a Trump victory as a step backwards.  But I viewed a Clinton victory as accepting the abandonment of Americans that resulted in 4 dead.  It was a no win, no win situation.

I did think that if Clinton won, the Trump following would whine and carry on for a while.  I thought this was actually an argument for Trump to win.  If he won, they would feel vindicated and be able to move on.  A Clinton loss seemed to be the easiest way to end the arguing.  Of course, it was supposedly going to be a Clinton win.  Which looked like it would go on and on and on.  Whining that she was a criminal.  Trump screaming how it was all fixed.  Ad nauseum.  A Trump win while scary as hell would probably end the divide sooner.

Well, the hell with that.  The Trump following has been blowing up the social media, FB in particular, like its going out of style.  So glad I didn't bet $100 on my analysis above.  I'm mortified and it's just day one.  Based on what I thought if Clinton won, I'm almost willing to bet now that the gloating will go on until after Thanksgiving.  They don't know how to be gracious.  The Clinton whiners stopped as soon as you pointed it out to them.  Some, and by some I mean a lot, of the Trump voters are still posting shit now.  They don't seem to realize they won.  The worst is the ones that are working it overtime are the same asshats that posted non-stop about the election day in, day out.  They claim it's because they had to put up with the Clinton posts.  What Clinton posts?  Most of them don't know anyone that didn't vote the same way as they did.  I saw anti-Trump posts.  I have friends on that side of the fence.  Some of them got pissy with me, because during this election being in the middle meant you were on the other side.  No I was straddling that fence trying to get both sides to see how they were being used.  Likewise, my anti-Clinton friends were like piranha.  Non-stop bashing Clinton.  I bashed both.  I got yelled at for bashing either.  I got cursed at, threatened and called a slew of names.

So excuse me assholes, but it's time you stop.  ALL of you.  Clinton lost.  Trump is the President elect.  Period.  My message by voting for Johnson was simple.  We are sick of the divide in this country.  Those of us that voted that way did so because we have gone way passed being mad because the politicians don't listen or don't represent us or don't do their jobs.  The people who got into this fight got in on the tail end.  In a year, hell a couple months, it will be business as usual.  I know they don't want to hear it and God knows they probably won't believe it until a year or more goes by.  For those of us that have been disenfranchised for over 10 to 20 years, know exactly what I'm talking about.  We all knew Clinton wasn't change.  And, we all watched Trump carefully.  He looked like taking leaps backwards.  We shall see.  But those of you that are still growling after winning--I'll tell you the same thing I told Obama supporters the last two elections.  You are not helping.  You are making it worse.  You are furthering the divide that started after the Reagans left office and the political scene.  It's been downhill ever since.  And the arguing and dirty politics is now fully engulfed all of us.  Shut up already.  Shake hands.  Start pretending like you hear what the Clinton voter is saying--maybe you'll start actually listening.  Likewise, to the Clinton supporters.  They know what Trump is.  And they don't care.  But you didn't care what Clinton was.  Enough.

We have let them take our country from us.  The rich, fancy Ivy League.  The majority--more than 70% of us are middle class.  No color.  No politics.  Just the guy living next door trying to make ends meet.  Just the lady next door trying to raise her kids.  We don't live in their world and they have no idea what our world is like.  I really hope that Trump can deliver what just over 200K more people than voted for Clinton believe he can deliver.  I think it might be a pipe dream.  Trump ran on divide and it looks like that is still holding strong with a lot of those that voted for him--at least on social media.  I hope I'm wrong.  I'm hoping that he can somehow get everyone on the same page, but based on his following so far, it's going to be a very long and arduous road.

Turn off the moron switch America

America.  The United States of America.  This is 2016, not 1916.  Yet, we still have people in this country that are totally ignorant that there actually are Americans that aren't "white".  Oh yes, they know there are "black" Americans.  They know there are Native Americans and usually in a slightly condescending tone they will acknowledge that the Native Americans are the true Americans.  But not always.  And in fact, not even a large majority.  I'd say a slight majority at best.

First let's start with some real facts.  A large percentage of the workers that built the railroads in the early 1800s were Chinese.  In fact by 1865, approximately two-thirds of the railroad workers in this country were Chinese.  What?  Yes, that's right.  When you watch those television shows like "Hell on Wheels" or western movies that depict the Chinese as a small minority of the workers, it's bullshit.  Chinese AMERICANS out numbered the Irish Americans by double in most cases.  What amazes me isn't that people don't know this.  History is not anyone's favorite class when we are younger which is why we continue to repeat the same mistakes over and over and this is one of those travesties that some "white" Americans love to repeat over and over.   What still never ceases to amaze me is how some "white" Americans assume anyone that doesn't look "white" must not be American.

The Great American Melting Pot for some of the "white" Americans in this country seems to mean that they have totally lost touch with who they really are, where they really come from, and sadly have lost what makes America great.  The majority of "white" America in this country, a large mass majority, are descendant of poor European immigrants.  Back pre-WWII, racism was "white" on "white".  That's right.  Pre-turn of the last century, it was good to be from Ireland or Scotland.  But it wasn't good to be from Italy or France or the Slavic countries.  On the Statue of Liberty is scrolled "give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" and that is where 99% of "white" America comes from--the tired, the poor, the huddled masses longing for freedom and hope.  When "white" Americans look in the mirror, about 1 to 2% can say they come from the rich--amazingly, they generally still are the rich.  That's right "white" America.  The circumstances that keep you middle class or lower are exactly the same as they always have been.  You vote in rich "white" and you keep getting us all screwed.  Just fact especially when you consider that the "white" vote has been 90% of the vote until the new millenia.  It was only the large black turnout in 2012, yes, not 2008, that allowed Obama to be re-elected.  In fact, the minorities vote adds up to around 30% for the 2016 election.  "White" America will still be the majority, but the fact that the minority vote added up is now close to a third of the popular vote seems to scare some of "white" America into following a hateful little silver spoon.  Sadly, it just shows that many never took anything other than being "white" as important.

Really?  Yes, really.  When I get asked what I am, well, years ago I would ignore and dodge the question like the plague.  Now, I tell them straight up to MYOB or I share readily.  I think that is partially because of growth and acceptance within "white" America and also because of the fact that minorities are a larger percentage than ever of the make up of this country.  It's actually quite refreshing overall.  But I'll tell you who still pisses me off the most.  The idiot that looks totally "white" would never be mistaken for black, brown or yellow, or any other shade of skin color that says, "well I don't see what the big deal is and I'm part Native".  Sure you are dumbass.  You don't even know what tribe.  Shut up.  You probably are part black too.  Want to borrow $99 and get a DNA test?  It's infuriating because it's an insult dressed up in "white" trying to justify piss poor behavior of other "whites".  Either you are an "Uncle Tom" at that point or you are a flat out liar.  Anyone that has any relatives that do not look "white" enough know exactly what I'm talking about.  You had to take up for them.  I had "white" family that defended me ardently.  I also had "white" family that insulted me under their breath.  Luckily for me the former was the majority.  I came from an educated family and therefore had a better lot behind me that a lot of minorities in this country.

Going back to that whole Chinese Americans that built the railroads.  Did you know the majority of them stayed?  Built businesses, made homes, raised families?  Some of the Chinese that you come across in this country have been here longer than 60% of the "whites" in this country.  That's right.  About 60% of the majority of this country came over at the turn of the last century, after those Chinese did.  Well, someone said to me, then they would've been mixed by now, "not like the Chinese right off the boat".  Hilarious for multiple reasons.  Most people fly now when they move that long of a distance.  More importantly, there were laws preventing intermingling between "whites" and non-whites.  This is a disaster of "white" America's making.  It was only in 1998 that South Carolina made it legal for a person of less than 95% white to marry a person of more than 95% white.  The actual wording was "white".  I'm not making it up.  It was the last thing on the ballot that year--a change to the state constitution.  Yes, it was in the state constitution.  And no, it's not just a Southern thing America.  Most states have had some version of these laws since the early 1800s.  In fact, Massachusetts still had a version in effect until 2008.  Yep, right up to a "black" President being elected and one of the most "liberal" *cough cough* states in the Union.  Yes, go on and on about how these laws were technically repealed by Supreme Court in 1967.  Yet, that historic vote in South Carolina in 1998 only won by 51%.  "White" America, the one that exists right now didn't create it, but it is "white" America's legacy.  Many of those Chinese Americans that have been here for more than 150 years still speak Chinese.  It's a belief that they can't trust "white" America, so better to remember their own language.  Look at how some of you are following a racist buffoon because he was born with more money than any of us could accumulate in a lifetime.  That "white" America is still alive and well in the USA.  It's the same "white" America that harbored hatred for the American born wops and the krauts and that put Japanese Americans, natural born Americans, into camps during WWII.   It's the same "white" America that screamed and threw rocks at African American children in the 1950s as desegregation was enforced.  It's the same "white" America that spit on me when I refused to answer the question "what are you?"....and that is only 13 years ago.

Oh, but you're not one of them, right?  Not one of "those" white Americans?  Have you posted or liked a meme that tells other Americans to "go home" if they don't like something here in the USA?  Or worse, actually had the audacity to tell someone to "go home" when this is their home?  Have you ever said to someone who didn't look "white" enough to you how good their English is or how great their accent sounds, that they actually sound "American"?  Have you agreed with people as they blame "Mexicans" for taking American jobs?  Have you made stupid comments like you are part Native so you know America isn't like this, but you don't have a single family member that even remotely looks less than "white"?  Guess what?  You ARE one of them.  Your incorrect preconceived notions are just that--incorrect and preconceived.  Not fact.  This is our home just as much as it is yours.  We were born here.  We are sick of you thinking, even sub-consciously, that you somehow are more American than we are just because you are "white" looking.  That's the "white privilege" that anyone that doesn't look "white" is sick of.  It's like you are totally clueless if we are not visibly "black" or "white"  and you have a moron switch that goes off that assumes we cannot possibly be Americans.

Turn that stupid switch off already.  The United States of America is THE Great Melting Pot of the world.  We are the refuge for the tired, used, defeated, poor and we are the hope.  We are made up from centuries of immigrants, whether forced here like the Brits that were sent as punishment for wanting to worship how they chose, the slaves from Africa brought out of greed, the Irish fleeing famine, the Chinese who built the railroads, or the mass exodus of immigrants fleeing royal rule and wars in Europe at the turn of the last century.  Out of the ashes of the defeated, beaten, tired, used and poor of other nations we have risen like a great phoenix.  Even the "illegal" immigrants are more the embodiment of this country than most of us are.  We have become spoiled.  Fat.  Happy.  We loved when everything was good, and when it is good, we are flighty, proud, and full of ourselves.  When things go bad, those poor and hopeless attitudes looking for someone to blame come out, but we are not the poor, used, defeated, huddle masses of the world.  We are still the United States of America.  It's just time some of you realize that isn't just "white" America.  It's all America.  Next time you see an Asian, do not assume they are not American.  It makes you sound like an asshole.  In fact, go home and look in the mirror.  Did you ask because that reflection staring back at you is your version of American?  If so, check yourself.  The person you just insulted might have ancestry in this country going back before yours even decided to come over here in the first place.

The un-wasted vote...

Oh for crying out loud, the same bullshit over and over....The same stories over and over.  Why is it that Clinton fans always give you every bad thing about Trump to keep you from voting for him?  Well, because there's really nothing that good about her.  Why do Trump fans usually list off all the reasons not to vote for Clinton?  Well, because there's really nothing good about Trump.  We all know this.  At least by every poll, even the rigged ones, 65-80% of us want nothing to do with either.  We'd all vote for someone else if we had a better option.  So when the 20% average now says they would vote for Johnson, the 40% of the military, the 40% of the millennials, get screamed at all the bad things about the other two candidates....  Clinton fans scream all the bad things about Trump.  Trump fans scream all the bad things about Clinton.  The one thing they keep convincing me is that I don't need to vote for either.  I'm sick of the yelling.  I'm sick of the divide.  I'm sick of idea that I have to vote for one of two evils that both completely suck.  I know they suck.  You don't have to tell me.  We all know they suck.

So here's my response from now on.  All the positives about Governor Johnson.

Everyone in this country dreams of a time where the American Dream is possible.  Not some rich kid spoil brat version like the other two candidates.  Johnson was a middle class kid struggling to make it through college, so he started his own handyman business to help pay for his classes.  He grew it into a multi-million dollar construction company.  Isn't that what we want for our children?  He is middle class Americans dream come true.  He's a real businessman--with no failed businesses.

Johnson wants to fix the deficit.  He actually took a state, New Mexico, that was behind the eight ball and balanced their budget.  He cut pork bellies, increased infrastructure like schools and roads, and still cut taxes 14 times.  Whoa!! That's not possible the other candidates will tell you.  Oh bullshit.  He left NM after two terms with a $1B surplus.  That's right--SURPLUS.  He might not be able to fix a $20 Trillion debt, but he's got more experience than any other candidate at handling crushing public debt.  

Johnson is the only candidate talking about something that pretty much every single American except those idiots we keep electing to DC wants--TERM LIMITS.  We are sick of them making careers out of screwing us.  Johnson promised NM he would only serve two terms.  In spite of being requested to run for a third term, he kept his word.  He pushed term limits while he was in office to help fight corruption.  Isn't that a great idea?  No wonder the other politicians are so reluctant to endorse him.

Johnson hasn't alienated anyone.  He's white, but he's not a racist.  He's male, but he's very socially straight forward.  He has worked with both sides of the imaginary fence DC has successfully.  He promises to make his administration a mix of the best of the best of Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Independents, et cetera.  Wouldn't that be nice for a change?  It would be nice seeing them get actual work done rather than spewing off at the mouths every other day with the whole country in gridlock and the economy frozen because they won't do the jobs we sent them to do.

Johnson is honest.  He doesn't expect we will agree on everything.  He acknowledges that we don't.  He acknowledges that for this country to move forward in a positive direction we need to get back to compromise.  When we disagree, we are supposed to discuss it.  When the far right or far left have control like they have right now, we accomplish nothing.  Those of us in the middle are getting jammed up in their nonsense.  We can't be proud of the people that we elect.  They are supposed to be there for us, not us being used by them.  Wouldn't it be nice to have someone that we elect that we can believe in?  That we can actually trust?  What a concept!!!

Johnson doesn't have a lot of foreign experience, except as a border state he actually has experience with dealing with Mexico and Mexican authorities and government--so that's not completely true.  Another thing he has real experience with:  Immigration.  All that screaming and finger pointing, and yet the only candidate that has real experience dealing with undocumented (the legal term) immigrants is Governor Johnson.  Amazing right?  Would be nice to have someone that actually knows what he's talking about when it comes to immigration in general let alone some of the fears that have been stoked up.

Johnson does want to promote free trade.  In the meantime, some are calling him an isolationist because he wants us to stop being involved in every military conflict across the planet.  But what he really says is screw with us, and we will respond in kind.  Otherwise, we have our own problems on the homefront that need our dedication and focus on.  Free trade isn't just about improving our ability to build business here in the USA either.  It's also about bringing some of these countries out of the darkness.  Free trade benefits all involved.  No one would know this better than a true self made businessman.  But he also points out that countries in the Middle East that benefit from free trade--Qatar, Saudi, Kuwait and Turkey--are the ones that move towards more democratic thinking.  It should sound familiar to some depending upon your age.  That was how Reagan broke up the Iron Curtain.  The promise of growth and trade is a huge draw.

Johnson won't send our troops willy nilly into a war zone.  He's not a big fan of the conflicts we're involved in right now.  He also knows in this world we cannot isolate ourselves from our closest allies--the UK, Germany and NATO in general.  Oh, and here's a huge plus:  he's not $650M in debt to China like one of his competitors or collecting big donations for a "charity" from other questionable governments.

Johnson believes that if you take guns from any legal persons that only criminals will have guns.  Yes, I know this will upset some with more anti-gun sentiment, but it's because he believes in the Constitution.  A true Constitutionalist.  Which also means that he believes in the First Amendment equally.  The problem with the other two candidates is they both promise to take guns from someone and they both promise to walk all over other Constitutional Rights.  Johnson promises to not violate any.  There's a novel concept that stands with the Founding Fathers' beliefs.

Oh yea, but wait, he's for legalized marijuana.  No way.  Okay, so here's a fact:  This is remnants from the parents of the Silent Generation.  That's right the same generation that created Prohibition.  Look how that worked out.  They created a 20 minute movie "Reefer Madness" to keep the Silent Generation during the Roaring 20s (1920s) from using pot.  If you watch it and know anything about pot, you know it's all fabrication.  The same lies told in that propaganda movie are still the same lies used today to try and keep it illegal.  Let's face it.  Most of those myths have been completely debunked.  It cures more than a dozen forms of cancer.  It reduces epileptic seizures.  It  helps with PTSD and depression.  And since being legalized in a couple of states, those states have actually seen a reduction in illicit drug use--so much for being a "gateway drug".  He used it as a pain killer after breaking his back paragliding.  The prescription drugs made him sick and didn't help.  So that's how he learned of its merits.  But really, it's such a minor thing, especially when more than 68% of Americans think it should be legalized.

The truth is that Johnson represents what most Americans think right now.  Stay out of our bedrooms.  No way in hell is the military sweeping my home without proper warrants signed by a judge who actually has evidence that I might be doing something wrong.  Hell no, we don't want you using nuclear weapons.  We want less taxes.  We want the Federal government to stop wasting money and our time.  We pay a lot of money for those people we elect to represent us and get a job done.  So far all they've done is waste our time, our money and made it like we are here for their personal funding.  We want equality even though we know it's not all the way there, but we don't want it to be turned into a circus that just makes things worse.   Can we believe the other candidates even give a shit about our every day lives?  Please.  We all know they don't.

More importantly, after interviewing the main two candidates more and more newspapers are endorsing Johnson.  It's pissing off the establishments of both parties--it's pissing off both the other candidates.   They are saying its time we vote for a President we can trust, that we can believe in and that a vote for Johnson is not a wasted vote.  A wasted vote is voting for someone you can't believe in just to stop someone else that you can't believe in.


Below are the links to the newspaper endorsements for Johnson to date:

The Detroit News (typically GOP endorser)--video
http://www.detroitnews.com/story/opinion/editorials/2016/09/28/endorse-johnson-president/91254412/

The Chicago Tribune (typically Dem endorser)
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/editorials/ct-gary-johnson-president-endorsement-edit-1002-20160930-story.html

New Hampshire Union-Leader
http://www.unionleader.com/editorials/an-editorial----joseph-w-mcquaid-publisher-a-better-choice-for-president-no-need-to-hold-your-nose--20160914

Winston-Salem Journal (NC)  (typically GOP endorser)
http://www.journalnow.com/opinion/editorials/decision-gary-johnson-for-president/article_7351cdb6-327e-5cf0-b0d2-9bff7ab6d874.html

Richmond Times-Dispatch (VA) (typically GOP endorser)
http://www.richmond.com/opinion/our-opinion/article_b79cc2b6-8ed5-532c-92eb-4a37e779c433.html